The End.

Dec 18, 2014- one for the books! The day we closed the book on adoption #2!

Apparently our agency is different then most because our social worker said with all other adoptions that are finalized after placement, the judge meets with the lawyer in his/her chambers and the parents don't need to be present. For ours, they required that John, I and our social worker all be present in one place together and talk with the judge over the phone. The date was set for Dec. 18 at 11:30 our time (9:30 their time).

Our social worker works at RUH so this morning we met her over there, got some coffee and sat down and waited for the phone to ring. And waited. And waited. I was told to expect a small delay but after a half hour I was starting to feel a bit panicky. Finally the phone rang, but it was our agency. She said that we were the 17th case that morning and the judge was running way behind (apparently she is a bit long-winded!) She said to expect up to an hour of delays. So we went and got lunch and wandered around the new health sciences building. Thankfully our social worker had a slow day and had no problem waiting around with us (amazing lady, she is!)

Finally, at 1:20, the phone rang from Las Vegas. The call took about 10 minutes in total and it was actually really fun! They made us all raise our right hand and swore us in over the phone. I held my hand over my mouth so they wouldn't hear me giggling. How could they really tell if we were actually raising our hands? We all stated our full names and then the judge talked to John and I for a bit and then Michelle, asking her if she recommended the adoption going through. Then, those beautiful, beautiful words- "It is in the best interest of the child to be adopted by John and Mandi Letkeman," (or something like that, I don't remember exactly). There were rounds of congratulations and Merry Christmas and then they hung up and that was it! It all felt so surreal and I giggled some more and Michelle hugged us and then we all went our separate ways, John and Michelle back to work and I drove to my parents, picked up my baby and officially welcomed her to the family with lots of kisses.

The End.

2014, You Rocked

Only 15 days remain in the year 2014. I remember this time last year, as 2014 loomed ahead, fresh and full of promise. I dubbed it the Year of the Baby. We had just finished getting all our paperwork in and were waiting to hear when we'd be officially on the wait list. I had high hopes and dreams for 2014 and it did not disappoint!

Obviously, adopting Aviannah was the highlight of the year, but there were many other good memories, both good and bad, that I don't want to forget from 2014:

- John kicked off the year by turning 31. He's not into birthdays (whatever) but we did sneak in a birthday date.
-went skiing with a group from our church at Table Mountain. It was wickedly cold, but we made the best of it. A friend and I also tried tubing, and were lucky to walk away with no serious injuries (most intense tubing hill EVER!)
-celebrated Cassidy's 3rd birthday with a small get together with family. 
- went to visit baby sheep, pigs and chicks at a family friend's farm. Cassidy loved it.
- in May we got THE CALL, followed by the busiest week ever making travel arrangements, and then a 4 week trip in Las Vegas! 
- enjoyed an extended summer as our summer was just beginning when we got home.
- got to introduce Aviannah to my Grandma Doerksen, who passed away shortly after she met her. Her funeral was the most God honoring service I have ever attended. 
- I directed VBS at our church for the second time. It was busy, tiring and so much fun!
- spent my 27th birthday (August long) at the lake with my family. We had beautiful weather all weekend and the girls did so well! 
- weekend trip to Caronport for the Vanstone family reunion. 
- John and I went with a group from church to a Rider game in mid-August. We took a bus and had such a fun time (didn't hurt that the Rider's won!)
- Fall kicked off with piano lessons beginning up again and with Leesa moving in to our basement room!
- We attended two family weddings in the fall
- in mid-October I started babysitting Levi three days a week. I have really enjoyed having him and am already quite smitten with him!
- December has been surprisingly low key this year. Cassidy's church Christmas program was yesterday and we've been done our Christmas shopping for awhile now. We are enjoying this season and all that it brings.

That's all up till now. Even though there's only 15 days left in the year, they hold lots of excitement! In 3 days we "go" to court (via telephone) to finalize Aviannah's adoption, John's holidays begin next week and of course, there's Christmas gatherings and family time to look forward too! I can't wait!

I feel like I've grown so much this past year, in so many areas. My relationship with God is ever changing, day by day. It's hard to put into words the things He's been teaching me this past year. I think most of all, He's shown me just how much He can do when I hold out my hands before Him, let go of the things I love and want and just trust Him with it all. I still struggle with this, but it's a work in progress and it's amazing to see what He can do when we decide to let Him. Yesterday we went to an evening church service and sang the song "It Is Well." Even though I've sung the words to this song countless times, I was brought to tears at this verse: 
"My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul!"
I can't say it any better then that. My only response is one of immense gratitude and praise to Jesus! Because anything I face in life, whether joy or sorrow, is possible when I remember what Jesus did on that cross for me. How can I do anything else but surrender my life to Him? 

Looking ahead to 2015, I don't have any specific dreams or goals like with last year. I want to keep learning how to be a better wife, mother and most of all a better servant for the gospel of Jesus. I'm excited to see what God has in store for our family! 2015, bring it on!!

9 Months

Time for another montly update! Here's what's new in Aviannah's world

- She weighs 14l bs and is 26 inches long. Tiny but feisty!

- She cut her first tooth last week! She was working on it for months so I'm happy it's finally made an appearance and it looks like another one is on it's way.

- She has mastered sitting, to the point where I feel like I can walk away and she'll be ok. She still falls over sometimes, but usually only if she's been sitting for awhile and has gotten tired

- She LOVES her solids! She eats 3-4 times a day and has tried a variety of different foods. It's great because we're finding she's needing less formula as she eats more solids (which means it lasts longer and we're not spending quite as much on it, that stuff is not cheap!) Yogurt is her favorite, she usually eats a whole container of it before bedtime

- She's started to make more sounds that sound like real words and not just baby babble. She can say "mama," but she only says it if she's upset. Not sure if that's a compliment or not! She also says something that sounds alot like "hey." I think she is trying to say hi because she always says it in response to us saying "Hi!" It's really cute!

- Her favorite games are peek-a-boo, patty cake and being thrown in the air. She also loves dancing and getting tickled.

- She is getting close to crawling. She can scooch around and I've seen her trying to get her legs underneath her so I'm thinking it won't be too long until she's mobile! Rolling is still her method of choice when wanting to get somewhere

Healthwise, she's also doing great. We saw her pediatrican last month and she was pleased with how she's doing.  She had a nasty cold last week, which really scared me. With her lungs being underdeveloped, we were warned to watch her very closely if she developed a cough. She had a bad cough with this cold but thanks to a humidifier and Vicks it only lasted a couple of days. I'm praying that she makes it through cold and flu season without any major problems.

We have been going to the Kinsmen Children's Centre once a month to see an occupational therapist and a physical therapist. They are keeping taps on her development and making sure she's on track for where she needs to be. With preemies, they always track by their adjusted age rather then their chronological age. Adjusted age is full term. Avi was 7 weeks early so they knock 7 weeks off her chronological age, meaning right now she is actually 7 months 1 week. We had our visit at KCC last week and they scored her on a bunch of things then charted it and she is exactly where she should be developmentally for her adjusted age. This was great to hear! It's hard not to compare her to other babies as she's getting to the age most babies are already crawling and standing, but I have to remind myself that even though we say she's 9 months, she's really only 7 months.

So that's really all for now! We're so excited to celebrate Christmas with her this year, and the icing on the cake is that by then, the adoption will be finalized and she'll be a Letkeman! What a great gift!

6 Months Later

Yesterday was 6 months to the day that we met Aviannah for the first time. 6 months ago she was this tiny thing hooked up to wires. I remember tears filling my eyes as I looked upon her face for the first time. I remember the nurse scooping her up and placing her in my arms and her feeling so so tiny. I remember asking John to take a picture because I wanted that moment captured forever. Now I'm sitting on the couch with the laptop on my lap and she's sitting beside me, all by herself, playing with her toys and smiling at me. I don't know how it's already been 6 months and I don't know how it's only been 6 months. Part of me feels like she just got home and part of me feels like I've known her forever!

In case you didn't know, Aviannah's adoption was not finalized while we were in Las Vegas. Our agency required that we have 6 post-placement visits with our home study practitioner, one a month, and if those all went well then we would be able to finalize. We've had 5 visits so far and our last one is booked for December 6th. This week I talked to our lawyer's secretary in Nevada and she sent us the adoption order for us to sign and send back to them. Once they've received the report from our last visit, our lawyer will appear in court on our behalf and the judge will (hopefully!) make us legally Aviannah's parents. I'm so glad that we don't have to travel for this last part and that we can send important documents back and forth via email and fax. I like the 21st century. Oh yes, and of course there's another fee. It's only another $1000. Funny how when you pay a gigantic sum of money like $35,000, $1,000 doesn't seem like anything at all. Money has been tight for us lately, but we'll find a way to pay it of course. There's no turning back now! 

Each time we've had a visit, she always writes up a report and sends it to me to edit it before she sends it to our agency. Each time I read them I'm always so humbled by the wonderful things she says about us. She makes us sound really good. I don't always feel really good. In fact, most times I feel like it's all I can do to make it though the day. I lose my patience with Cassidy. I let her watch too much TV. I forget to bath them. I just want to be alone sometimes. But I do love them. I love them with an intensity that scares me sometimes. And I guess this comes across because she seems to get that part right. 

I can't wait until this is all done and legal. It already feels done. We've been Aviannah's parents for half a year already. A piece of paper isn't going to change that. Sure, it'll change her name and it'll change who has permanent custody of her, but it doesn't change who we are to her and who she is to us. Still though, it's the final FINAL step in her adoption journey. The icing on the cake. And the icing is my favorite part, don't you know!

I get this question alot "Are you going to adopt again?" I usually answer with this "Right now I don't want to, but give me a couple years." I would love more children, I really would. As I've said before, I dread the idea of adopting again now, but I think it's because it's all so fresh. Once we've had a couple years to get used to the idea again, I wouldn't be at all surprised to be found blogging about adoption #3. Of course, everything is up to God. Maybe we'll adopt again in a few years, maybe we'll adopt again next year, maybe we'll never adopt again, who knows? Right now I'm praying about it. I'm praying that God will prepare us for whatever He has in store and that we would be obedient to His voice. I'm looking forward to what's next, but also just really enjoying what's now. God is good, all the time.

8 Months Old

Another month has FLOWN by. Our little turkey is now 8 months old!

She's changed more over this past month then any other month, in my opinion. I love love love this stage. She's so interactive and fun to be around, her little personality is starting to develop and she's not quite as needy. She's one month shy of the age Cassidy was when we adopted her. It'll be fun to compare how she is compared to her sister. Obviously she won't be quite as advanced but I bet I'll see quite a few similarities. 

As of 5 days ago Aviannah was 13 lbs 5 oz and 26 inches long. I can't believe how much she has shot up in length. Her weight gain has stayed around the same percentile this whole time, but in the past 2 months she went from not even being on the charts for length to being in the 20th percentile. Crazy! She might be a tall girl! 

At 8 months old Aviannah can:
-sit for short periods on her own (not enough that I can go to far. I made that mistake today and she was quite upset when she fell backwards on her head, even though it was on very soft carpet)
-roll everywhere (and she's getting pretty good at scooching around too)
-eat solids. She eats twice a day now and likes most things we try with her. Her favorites are rice cereal mixed with her formula, yogurt and apples
-wave (sometimes)
-recognize words. She responds to her name and "baba" (bottle) to name a few.

She still has no teeth, even though she's been working on them for quite a while. Her bottom two are both so close. I'm thinking it's going to be any day now. Everything goes in the mouth so I can tell they are bothering her.

Aviannah is still such a happy girl. She has discovered her voice and delights in making very shrill, high pitched screams as a result. Always when she's happy, though. She never cries, except when she gets hurt or startled. Even if she's fussing, she just makes sad, complaining noises but never all out cries. I thought we lucked out with Cassidy, but it seems we've won the baby lottery two times over. I can tell she's got a temper on her though. She could be a difficult toddler, but I keep telling John her attitude can't be worse then Cassidy's (can it??)

Health wise, she's also doing fantastic. We saw her pediatrician last week and she is very pleased at how she is doing. I'm truly amazed at all she has overcome, but like someone told me once "It's amazing what a little love can do." And we're giving her a lot of love, so I'm sure that has something to do with it! 

This next month should be very exciting, for two reasons. 1. Christmas is coming 2. Aviannah's adoption is getting finalized! Our lawyer sent us an email asking us to call so we can get things rolling. He is hoping to have it finalized by the end of the year! That would be the best Christmas present!! For now, we're thankful for another month with our little sweetheart. She brings us so much joy!

Why We're Celebrating Halloween

Halloween is my least favorite holiday. Growing up, we never made a big deal out of Halloween. We were allowed to wear costumes to school but that was the extent of it. We usually went to an alternative fun night at either our church or one of the other churches in town. John was also raised to not celebrate Halloween. I know many Christians avoid this holiday because even though it originated as a Christian holiday, it was become a holiday of darkness and evil. It's frustrating to see all the scary decorations on houses (our street is especially bad), the horror movies on TV and other things that are associated with darkness.

My mindset as an adult was to just ignore Halloween and wait for it to pass so I could get on with celebrating Christmas. Now that we have kids, however, my thinking is a bit different. As Cassidy is getting older John and I have had many discussions about how we are going to handle different things that will come up in her childhood. One of these things is Halloween.

Lately I've been earnestly praying for more opportunities to live out my faith and to spread the gospel. I've been praying for eyes to see people as Jesus sees them and to not just be open to opportunities to share my faith, but to actively seek out ways to show Jesus' love to people. We are called to go and make disciples (Matt. 28) and be a light to the world (Matt 5). John and I want our girls to have this mindset, to be ready to make the most of every opportunity and to always be looking for ways to show Jesus' love to their friends and to anyone they meet. This is why we're choosing to celebrate Halloween. What better time to be a light then on a day of darkness?

John ordered some special Halloween tracts from Christain Book.com. They have a few activities for kids to do and they clearly explain the gospel in kid-friendly terms. We spent one evening this week taping them to full size chocolate bars. When the kids start coming trick or treating, the girls are going to dress up in their tiger costumes and help hand out candy (well, Cassidy will!) After we hopefully get rid of our load, we're going to head over to Valley Christian Academy for Fun Night and spend the rest of the evening there. We are not participating in trick or treating (for one thing, the girls are too young anyway. We haven't discussed what this will look like in future years) or involving ourselves in anything to do with scary creatures or darkness. We are choosing to be a house of light. This morning we spent some time praying over the kids that will be coming to our door and receiving our treats. Our prayer is that God will use these tracts to plant seeds, spark discussions and hopefully lead some to salvation. 

Instead of trying to ignore Halloween and shut the lights off and hide out in the basement, we are taking advantage of this holiday to be a light. To show the world that Christians can have fun and to show our girls how to take advantage of any situation and use it as a chance to spread God's love. I realize that this is just a small thing, but I know from experience that it's often small things that God uses to bring great glory to His name. We are called to be a light, every day. This is why and how we're choosing to celebrate Halloween. 

Jesus said "I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark."

Thankful Thoughts

I think that, living in a first world country, we take alot of things for granted. Running water, food, a warm bed at night, cars to take us places, and the list goes on and on. I try to remember to be mindful and thankful for all we have here in Canada, but it often goes forgotten until something happens that changes things, like last year when we were under a water advisory in Warman and had to boil all our water for a week. That was an eye opener! It made me realize how lucky we were to have access to water at all. Boiling it seemed like a pain, but at least it was there! 

This week I've been thinking about something else we have in Canada that I often take for granted- healthcare. I and my family have always been blessed by good health. We've had the occasional time where we've needed to go to the walk-in to get antibiotics but nothing beyond that, until now. As most of you know, Aviannah has some health issues that seem very minor, but are still things that need to be followed up on. So far we've seen (or will be seeing) a pediatrician, neurologist, ophthalmologist, physical therapist and occupational therapist. That's quite the list of specialists! I've gotten a small taste of what these visits would be costing if we didn't have coverage and it is kind of ridiculous. We just got her health card 2 weeks ago so up until then we've had to pay for all our visits, but we will be getting everything reimbursed. Never before have I been so thankful for health care. When we met with our agency, they mentioned how lucky we were to not have to worry about the costs. They said a child who requires lots of specialists is often a deal breaker for adoptive parents because they can't afford it, but in Canada that's not even an issue. We spent the afternoon at the Kinsmen Children's Centre yesterday and I was thrilled with the people there and how closely they'll be following up on Aviannah. Right now they don't see any problems, but she is at risk for developmental delays so they want to keep seeing her to watch for any future problems. They also put in a referral for her to a program called Early Childhood Intervention which sounds fantastic. Again, they said she might not even need it, but they want to give us that option just in case. If it wasn't for our healthcare system, we might not have been able to utilize these resources. Of course, I hope that we won't need to down the road, but if we do, they are there and I am so thankful for that! 

Now if only we could find a way to keep it warm here all year round...then Canada would be just about perfect!

Being Thankful and my 7 Month Old

It's Thanksgiving, and so of course I, like everyone else, am taking time to think of things I am thankful for, and I don't have to think very hard. We had a sharing time in church this morning and I shared how thankful I was for Aviannah and for our church family and their vital role in getting her home. I just wanted to extend that sentiment out to the rest of you who read this blog and have prayed and paid our baby home. She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. So from the bottom of my very full heart, thank you. It's amazing to see how many people love her and take interest in her. She is one lucky little girl.

And today she hits another month milestone. Each month seems to come up faster then the one before. Happy 7 months Aviannah!

So far, this month has been the roughest yet. We had gotten into such a nice routine with Avi. She was sleeping through the night, on a good nap schedule and eating bigger amounts and going longer stretches between feeds. Then her teeth decided it was a good time to start causing havoc and all routine flew out the window. Her appetite went down, she started eating smaller amounts more often and waking up at night to eat, she had trouble napping due to fussiness and she's had diarrhea, a bad diaper rash and a cold. It's been so not fun, but it seems there is a lull in the teething. For the last three nights she's slept all night and her happy disposition is back. No teeth have made an appearance, however. I sure hopes she pops 1 or 5 soon!

Other then all of that, she's still doing great! She's rolling both ways and I never find her in the same spot I left her any more. She has decided that she LOVES to talk. Yesterday at my parents house she shrieked and squealed on the floor as we all stuffed ourselves full of Thanksgiving food and today in church she shrieked her way through Sunday school and the service. It's hilarious how vocal she is. Looks like she's going to take after her sister in that regard!

We started on solids this month, and so far she's not a fan. We've tried rice cereal, sweet potatoes and applesauce. Lately it's been going in and staying in but the faces she makes are priceless! We'll keep trying different things and hopefully find something that she likes eventually. I'm having fun with it! She is SO close to sitting on her own. On my lap she can sit for quite a while without help, but she has more trouble on the floor. I'm thinking sometime this next month she'll get the hang out if. She loves toys and grabs on to anything in her reach and immediately sticks it in her mouth. 

She sure keeps us on our toes. Just when we think we have something figured out, she throws us for a loop. It's a good thing she's so cute! I can't believe she's only 5 months away from a year. This week marks 5 months since we met her, and those months have FLOWN by so I'm sure before I know it we'll be throwing her a birthday party. 

Blessing to you all as you celebrate Thanksgiving. We have much to be thankful for.

You're an Overcomer

If you're friends with me on Facebook, you saw that yesterday I posted that we were going to see a neurologist for Aviannah. I don't think I've ever gone into detail about Aviannah's health issues so I figured I'd take the time to explain about some of things that we are presently dealing with and may be dealing with in the future.

Due to being born early, one of the membranes in Avi's brain did not completely form all the way. When she was first born, they thought the entire membrane was missing but after an MRI they discovered that it was only partially missing. This is called Absent Septum Pellucidum (it took me a long time to get that right!) This meant that instead of being severely special needs, she was just at risk for some developmental delays. Of course, it's so hard to tell with an infant how severe the delays might be but they figured it was a pretty mild case. We received all of this information in her referral pacakge and it was a little scary, I have to admit. Even though we already knew we were saying yes to this baby, the fear of the unknown had me worried. They told us that we would need to follow up with a neurologist once we got back to Canada. We met our paediatrician last month and she was very pleased with Aviannah. She said she was doing extremely well and she wasn't expecting, based on her charts, to see such a healthy baby. We already knew she was doing well, but it was nice to get that reassurance from a professional. She put in a referral for us to the neurologist.

I was nervous going into yesterday's appointment. I know that Aviannah is doing great and I haven't seen any signs of delays. She is not doing all the things a normal 6 month old would be doing but she is at 4 months corrected age and they say preemies take at least 2 years or more to catch up. Even with all that, she still seems to be reaching milestones fairly on par! She also seems super smart to me. She responds to her name and to voices of people she knows. My mom talked to her on the phone the other day and she immediately starting babbling when she heard her voice. I could tell she recognized it! She mimics sounds and actions and has no problem grasping toys and putting them in her mouth.

Even with all that, I was scared there was still going to be something wrong. The neurologist asked lots of questions about her development and did an exam, moving her arms and legs and checking if she was using both sides of her body equally (meaning both sides of the brain are working together and at the same pace). He said typically they do an MRI and he was fully expecting to have to do one with her based on her charts from Las Vegas but after doing the exam he said that she was in no need of one. He said this was not the baby he was expecting to see at all. He said she seems right on par with her corrected age and maybe even a bit advanced. He also said that normally he would see her in 3 months, but since we were following up with our paediatrician, there was no need to see her again unless problems arose. 

This was amazing news and I almost started crying right there in his office. I often think back to that tiny, fragile 4 lb baby we met in the NICU, with a nasal canula and wires attached to her. I remember how they told us she would likely need to go home on oxygen and possibly be on oxygen until she was up to 8 years old. I look at her now, a strong, happy 12 lb 6 month old who has no breathing problems whatsoever and I am amazed at what she has overcome. I don't know what lies ahead for her but I know who holds her future. Whatever we face, I know we're not alone. God doesn't make mistakes. It wasn't mistake that she was born early, or that her brain didn't fully form like it was supposed to. He's got an amazing plan for her life and I'm thankful I get to watch it all unfold. She's our perfect little miracle.

6 Months

Today Miss Aviannah is 6 months old. Half a year old.

WHAT? Excuse me while I go in the corner and weep.

Ok, I'm back. I've actually discovered something about having a preemie- I get the rare gift of having a baby longer. Kids seem to grow up way too fast, and the baby stage especially seems to absolutely whiz by. I only got baby Cassidy for 3 months, if that, and that was not enough. At first when we brought Avi home I found myself obsessed with her growth and wanting her to catch up. It was hard to see babies younger then her that were bigger then her. I just wanted to her to catch up as quickly as possible. Now though, I look at it differently. I get a baby longer. And honestly, that is a huge answer to prayer! The number one reason we adopted from the States is because I wanted a baby. I think God understood just how badly I wanted a baby, and how I missed out on so much of Cassidy's baby years, and in His great wisdom He saw fit to bless me with a preemie, knowing that she would stay a baby longer. I may be totally off my rocker, but that's how I like to look at it! Because when it comes right down to it, she's healthy and growing and that's all that matters. She has the rest of her life to be a kid and then an adult. So I'll take my tiny 12 lb 6 month old, thank you very much! 

Still though, I can't believe she's already 6 months old. We've known her for almost 4 months already. The memories of our trip are all still so fresh in my mind that it feels like yesterday. How can we be here already?

Aviannah is just the most fantastic baby. I can't even believe how she's blessed us already. She is SO happy, except when she's not, which is not all that often. But when she's happy, she's HAPPY. She's not a serious baby at all. If anyone even looks in her directions, she gives them the biggest smile you've ever seen. I love watching people's reactions to her smile. She knows she's cute, that girl!

She started rolling over from tummy to back a couple of months ago and hasn't yet figured out back to tummy but she is so close. She hates tummy time now and if I put her on her tummy, she either immediately flips to her back or throws her head down and cries until I take pity on her and roll her back over. What a drama queen!

This past month has been my favorite so far because she started sleeping through the night! GLORY HALLELUJAH AMEN. She has been consistently doing 9-10 hours for a few weeks now. We are all happier because of it. She's put herself on a nice daytime schedule as well. She usually wakes to eat at 6 or 7, goes back to sleep till 10, naps at noon for a good 2 hours or more, naps again around suppertime and then goes to bed at 9. I didn't force a schedule on her at all, she just fell into one all by herself. 

She is eating 3-4oz every 3 hours and is still on a high calorie formula until she starts getting "too fat" (doctor's words). She is definitely not fat yet, although her leg rolls are coming along nicely and she's got cute little indents on her wrists :) The doctor said to wait one more month before starting her on solids, as her adjusted age is a month behind her actual age. I am so excited for that! She just started wearing 3-6 month clothes and is in stage 2 diapers. I packed away her 0-3 month stuff and it was harder then I thought! Mostly because she had some super cute stuff she only wore once. That's how it goes I guess!

Her hair is also starting to come in! It's funny, because looking back on her hospital pictures she actually had a decent amount of hair, but it somehow fell all out and it's just now coming back in again very blonde. The top of her head is fuzzy and I can even make some hairs stand up! 

Things Avi likes: bathtime (she squeals with joy the entire time), watching Cassidy, sleeping on Mommy or Daddy, any kind of attention, the jolly jumper, chewing on her hands, being naked (with a diaper on, of course).

Things Avi dislikes: her carseat, a non-moving vehicle, having to wait for her bottle, tummy time, her swing (she used to love it, but not anymore), anything on her head, loud noises

One really sweet thing she does that I want to remember is every time I feed her, she grabs onto one of my fingers and holds it the entire time. If I pull my hand away for any reason, 
she stops eating, searches for my finger and won't start eating again until she's got it firm in her little hand. It's so sweet, although she may never learn to hold her own bottle!

She also knows how to wave, kind of. If we wave at her she either waves her arm wildly back at us or does a little finger wave. She is at risk for developmental delays but I don't see any of that now. We see the neurologist next week so it will be interesting to see what he has to say!

Happy 6 months baby girl! We sure do love you!

Sweet Child O' Mine

I've heard the comment a few times now that "I don't know if I could adopt because I'm afraid the child wouldn't feel like mine." It's a valid fear. I used to feel the same way. When I first learned I couldn't have kids, I remember sobbing to my mom that I didn't want to adopt, I wanted my own kids. Adopted kids were different, in my naive, 17 year old mind.

Now I know that I was wrong, and I try to tell people that they are wrong too, that blood doesn't matter, how often times I forget that my children don't share my DNA and how those fears fly out the window the second you lay eyes on your child, YOUR child, but I think that unless someone themself adopts, they'll never fully understand how deeply you can fall for a child that isn't "yours." 

It wasn't instant with Cassidy. From the first moment I saw her, I thought she was breathtakingly beautiful and I wanted her, OH I wanted her, but I think I didn't let myself get my hopes up because when we met her we weren't even sure that she would get to come live with us. Only later that evening did we find out that her birth mom had made the decision to give Cassidy to us. We saw her a few more times before she came home for good, but even then I was cautious, even though everything was progressing smoothly. It wasn't until the day we went to pick her up. I remember it like it was yesterday. We had buckled her into her little seat to head home and we had just turned onto Circle Drive and I looked in the rear-view mirror and caught my breath, because I could see a little dark haired head back there. I remember looking at John with wide eyes and saying something like how I couldn't believe this was real, that we were taking her home and we wouldn't have to take her back. Something inside me took over and all of a sudden, she was my baby. It felt as normal as if we were driving home from the hospital with a tiny newborn that I had just birthed. 

It was different with Aviannah. We knew right from that very first phone call that she would be ours. Everything was very cut and dry that way. And it just about killed me, because all of a sudden, I had another baby, a very real and alive baby far away from me, and I wasn't there with her. I remember feeling in shock, like my brain had just gone through some sort of trauma, because one day I was a mother of one and the next I was a mother of two, yet I only had one of my babies with me. There really aren't words to describe it, but it was the same shift that took over when I looked at Cassidy the day we took her home. My heart literally felt broken and incomplete until we were there with Aviannah. I remember how the nurse scooped her up and put her in my arms and how in that moment, my heart was healed again, because we were together. Because she was my baby. 

I don't think I've ever shared this story, but it's my favorite from Aviannah's adoption and it brings tears to my eyes every time. When she was still in the hospital, the social worker would stop by frequently to ask how we were doing and just to chat. One day she was telling me about when they finally knew that we were coming. It took the birth mother awhile to choose a family, so everyone was very excited when she finally did. The social worker said that Aviannah was always very sleepy and they never saw her awake much. She had gone over to Avi's bed and Avi was sleeping and she whispered to her "Your mom and dad are coming for you!" As soon as those words left her mouth, Aviannah's eyes flew open. The social worker said she'd never seen her open her eyes so wide before. "It was like she knew what I said!" she told me. As I think back on it, I think she did know. Just as God was preparing our hearts for her, He was preparing her little heart for us. She was waiting for us, just as we were waiting for her.

I still often look at the girls and think "How did I get so lucky that you get to be mine?" I can't comprehend how even though they were born to somebody else, I get to be their mother. It reminds me of my favorite adoption quote: 
"A child born to another woman calls me Mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." 

I don't know what it feels like to be a mother to a child who grew inside of me and who shares my genes, but I can't imagine that I would feel any different towards that child then I do to my girls. They are, in every way, my children and I blessed to know them. 

Back to Work

"Summer days, drifting away..."

How is it already the last week of summer? I am in mourning. Summer is hands down my favorite season. I love everything about it (except the bugs). For us, life really slows down in the summer. The rest of the year we are so busy and so summer feels like a breath of fresh air, a break that we all desperately need. I don't work during the summer and we spend most evenings sitting around a fire in our backyard, playing at the park and staying up late watching the sun set. Last night Cassidy and I took Maya to the new dog park in Warman (great place!) and then we came back and made s'mores over the fire John made while we were gone. These are the memories I love to hold on to. It feels like this should've been a crazy busy summer, with a new baby and all the adjustments that come with that, but this has been one of the more relaxing summers I can remember. We were home from Vegas mid-June so by the time July hit we were already falling into a nice routine and were able to really soak up summer. I know I'm always going to look back on the summer of 2014 with nothing but fond, happy memories and I'm so thankful for that!

And yet, life goes on. This fall life is going to look quite different for us! I'm still teaching piano, but I'm cutting back a bit. I'm going from 14 students to 11, so not a huge difference but with the baby I can't teach after school when there is no one to watch her. I wasn't sure how we were going to do with losing that little bit of money, but God is good and has once again provided above and beyond! My friend is going back to work from maternity leave at the end of October and has asked me to take care of her little guy 3 days a week. So Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I'll have a 3 and a half year old, a 1 year old and a 7 month old! I am really excited about this, but boy, am I going to be busy! I'll have him from 8-5ish and then have an hour to eat/clean up before I teach piano all evening. I really really hope Aviannah is sleeping through the night by then so I'm at least getting a full nights rest!

*on that note, she is SO close! For 2 weeks now she sleeps from 10:00 till 3:00/4:00 and then till 8:00. A few times she's done the whole night through. I am loving this new routine!*

Another big change is that my sister is moving in with us next weekend! She's going to university for her Education degree but is doing most of her classes online. This is going to be a huge help for us! We are charging her rent, but not alot because we will also get her to help in other ways. She's babysitting for us when we both have worship team practice, she's help with meals during the week and it'll just be fun to have her around! I'm really looking forward to it! 

So wow, this fall is bringing some big changes. And as much as I'm going to miss this beautiful summer season, I'm looking forward to what's ahead. It's already been amazing to watch how much Aviannah has changed over the summer, how she's grown and what she's learned. Still my favorite part about motherhood is getting to witness these babies grow up, and watch them grow into amazing little people despite the million times you feel like you've failed them. It's a privilege and a gift and so I look forward to what's ahead, despite the busyness. Except the cold weather. That's never any fun.

The Battle Between My Head and My Heart

Out of all the different ways motherhood has completely transformed my life, none is quite so bewildering to me as what happens when I leave my children with someone else.

This is how it starts: It's date night. I have been looking forward to this for months. John and I text back and forth "DATE NIGHT" all day long. The day DRAGS by. Cassidy must know it's date night because she is more mischievous then usual. I can't wait to pass her off onto someone else.

5:30: John gets home, showers and we dash off to whichever grandparent's place are babysitting that night. Hugs, kisses, and we're out of there in 5 seconds flat. As we're pulling out of the driveway, John and I are high-fiving each other and singing some version of the Hallelujah chorus. My heart feels like it is soaring high above the clouds. Freedom has never felt so good.

We get to the restaurant. We smile giddily at each other across the table. I hear a kid that sounds suspiciously like mine. I turn to look. And apparently I look alot, because half way through our meal John says something like "You're looking at the kid more then you're looking at me." "Sorry," I say. "It's just that she really reminds me of Cassidy!" All of a sudden I miss my little monster, who is probably being a perfect angel for Grandma.

After the meal, we head to our next destination (movie, walk, ice cream). I look at my phone and resist the urge to text to see how Cassidy's doing. She's fine. If there was a problem, they'd let me know. Enjoy your evening, Mandi. 

The rest of the night I can't stop thinking about Cassidy and how much I miss her, and at the same time I am having such a great time that I don't want to go back to being mom just yet. I can't understand how I can have two extremely opposite emotions at the same time. A battle between my head and my heart. By the time we pick her up, I am overjoyed to see her and usually, the feeling is mutual, which makes me feel all warm and good inside. 

I guess this is what happens when your heart is not your own anymore, when now two little girls have each stolen a large piece of it. When I'm apart from them, I feel free yet incomplete. Today I'm leaving both Cassidy and Aviannah for 12+ hours to go to a Rider game. I've been looking forward to this day all summer, yet dreading it at the same time. I've never left my tiny baby for so long and I'm kind of a nervous wreck about it. In my head I know she'll be fine, so why can't I make my heart believe that? I'm fully expecting to have a great time, but also to be missing my girls like crazy. 

Comes with the title of mother, I guess. And I wouldn't trade it for all the freedom in the world. 

I Seem to Disagree With Everyone Else

There's been some crazy things swirling around social media these days in response to the news that Robin Williams committed suicide. I've been trying really hard to stay quiet and not voice my opinion because it seems everyone else in the world is, but I have been so infuriated by what I've read that I can't keep it in any more. Besides, no one reads my blog anyway, right? (Please don't go viral).

These are some of the main points I see that people are tying to make:
- It was depression that killed Robin Williams, not suicide
- Suicide is not at all selfish
- Suicide is sometimes a natural result of depression.

I completely disagree with all three statements. And I am no stranger to depression. I watched my mom suffer from it for years and I've dealt with it in my own life as well. It is completely debilitating and utterly hopeless at times. My darkest moments, where I myself had suicidal thoughts, are so fresh in my memory that it feels like yesterday, even though it was almost 10 years ago. So I can sympathize with people struggling with depression. And I realize that we as a church, as a body of Christ, as humans, need to be more educated on depression and how we can help those suffering from it.

That being said...suicide is always the wrong answer. And yes, suicide is a choice. Someone tried to make the comparison that when a person dies from cancer, they often actually die from pneumonia, or some other smaller virus that attacks their weakened body due to the cancer. But we say that they died from cancer and in the same way, we can say that when someone commits suicide (if they were depressed), that they died from depression. This makes me so, so, so angry. If you die from cancer, you don't have a choice. Your body betrays you and you die, against your will. Suicide is ALWAYS done by your own hands. Whether it's a gun to the head, a knife to the wrists or by swallowing pills, it is something someone DOES to them self. It does not just "happen." You don't just accidentally swallow a whole pill bottle or pull the trigger. No. It's a choice.

Also, yes, suicide is selfish. I never used to understand what would drive someone to literally take their own life, until I was in that dark place. Then I understood. And it was terrifying. But you think of your family, your friends, the ones that love you. You think about what that would do to them, how it would saddle them with guilt and grief for the rest of their life. At least I did. And for some, that's not enough to make them choose life. I realize sometimes the pain is just so bad and so deep and so dark that you stop thinking rationally and can't see any other options. But our life is not ours to take. That's the thing. The only one that has a right to take a life is God. He gave us life and only He should be the one to take it away. Anytime anyone takes a life, whether theirs or someone else's, they are stealing. When someone commits suicide, they are stealing themselves away from all those that have loved them, invested in them and built a life with them. I can't think of much that's more selfish then that.

I really really don't want to come across as un-sympathetic or un-caring, but I''m scared that if people start believing that suicide isn't selfish or isn't really their choice anyway, that it will start being acceptable, or at the very least tolerable. And it shouldn't be. There are so many that are suffering silently. They need to know that suicide isn't the right answer. We need to point them to Jesus. We need to stop praising celebrities who kill themselves and we need to stand up. Lives are at stake, and unless they know Jesus as their Lord and Savior, people are spending an eternity in hell when they die, no matter how they die.
Harsh? Maybe.
Truth? Absolutely.

5 Months!

Sorry it's been quiet here lately. We've been having a very busy and fun August. I can't believe it's already half over :( 

Today Miss Aviannah is 5 months old! This is also so hard to wrap my brain around. Next month is halfway to a year already! She is definitely tinier then the average 5 month old baby so it still seems like she's so much younger, but she is proving that size doesn't matter and is ripping through milestones these days!

She laughed for the first time a few weeks ago and then didn't really after that. I was lucky enough to catch the first laugh on camera and we tried so hard to get her to do it again, but she wasn't interested. Then this past weekend we were at John's cousin's place and he got her laughing so hard! Again, we got it on camera and since then she hasn't stopped! I was giving her a bath last night and she was laughing so hard that John came in and was like "What are you doing to make her laugh like that?" All I was doing was saying "Hi Avi!" She also thinks it's hilarious when I blow kisses on her tummy. Her laugh is so funny. She doesn't smile very big when she laughs and it's very low sounding and forced. I wonder if it's hard on her lungs to laugh, but she seems to get better the more she practices :)

She also rolled over from tummy to back a few weeks ago, and has done it a few times since. She can't do back to tummy yet, but she can sure wiggle around! In the mornings when I get her from her crib, she is never in the same place that I left her. One thing that we are sad about is that she won't sleep on our chests anymore. If we put her on us on her tummy, she just lifts her head up and immediately tries to roll off of us :) It's pretty cute, but I'm sure going to miss those snuggles.

We borrowed a Bumbo chair from a friend and Avi loves sitting in it. I'm finding she wants to be sitting more then lying down these days. She is also sleeping in longer stretches (HALLELUJAH!). We still put her to sleep in our room and she usually does 4-5 hours, sometimes 6, wakes to eat and then I put her to sleep in her crib for the rest of the night so she doesn't wake to John's alarm. I feel like we need to be moving her to her crib permanently soon but I'm just not ready! I like knowing that she's only a few feet away if she needs us and I know I wouldn't hear her as well if she was down the hall. But she is quickly outgrowing the bassinet so it needs to happen soon. Just one of those harder milestones.

We've done weekend trips these past two weekends and I am amazed at how well Avi has done! Cassidy also, but she's always been good that way. We were camping the first weekend in August and Avi slept so good and was happy the whole weekend long. She loves being outside so all the fresh air must've helped! Then this past weekend at the family reunion, she was also so happy. She sometimes gets over stimulated when she's around big crowds of people but she did great being passed from person to person. I still can't believe how we have two flexible, happy, easy going girls. I can take them anywhere and know that they'll do great and that is such a blessing!

I hope you all enjoy these last few weeks of nice weather! Cassidy is already talking about Christmas. I am so not ready for that yet, but it'll be here before we know it, I'm sure!

Summer Days, Drifting Away...

This has been the best summer that I can remember. July has been filled with playdates, trips to the spray park, evening walks and baby snuggles. And the best is yet to come! Tomorrow is August! 

August is my favorite month, mostly because it's my birthday month (27 on the 4th!) and also because it's a summer month and I love summer! July has been super laid back. We haven't ventured too far from home (read: past Saskatoon) because hello, we needed some serious downtime after the craziness that was May and June. It's been family time, all the time, which is fantastic but I also love to get away and so that's why I'm super excited for August! We have so many fun things coming up!

This coming weekend (August long) we're going to the lake with my family. Friends of ours from church are letting us use their site and camper since they are away. This will be our first time camping with Aviannah. Actually, this will be our first time camping with Cassidy and Aviannah. We stayed in my uncle's cabin at Candle Lake last summer but that doesn't count. I don't even really count staying in a camper as camping but whatever, it's close. We grew up tenting. That's the real way to camp! But considering we have a 3 year old and a 4 month old, this time I will gladly take the camper over the tent! Camping is always exhausting but I'm glad we're doing it with my family and not just the 4 of us. At least we'll have more help that way! And it's my birthday weekend. Which means cake at the lake!

The weekend after August long we're taking a day trip to Caronport for a family reunion on John's side. I spent a few years living in Caronport, although being that I was 2-4 years of age, I don't remember much! My mom told me where we lived so I'm excited to drive by and see how much I remember! I always love getting together with the Vanstone crew so it should be a good time! 

Then, the weekend after THAT we get to go to a Rider game!!!! I haven't been to one in YEARS!! A group from our church is taking a bus down, which will make it even funner! (yes, funner.) Oh my goodness, I am excited for this! And no, we're not taking the girls. Haha. As if. 

We're also hosting a 5 day club at our house for the week after August long, and I think Cassidy will really enjoy that. We've already been working on verse memorization with her so I'm curious to see if she'll be able to memorize verses with the big kids! We also have a wedding we're attending on the 23rd. Weddings are always fun, and a wonderful excuse to buy a new dress (which I did today...)

So yeah, August will definitely be busier but so much fun! Starting in September life is going to look quite different for us (more on that later) so I'm planning to soak up as much as I can in this last month of summer.

Their Stories

Lately I've been thinking about the friends we made during our time at the Ronald McDonald House. I often thought about it, but never did blog about the amazing people we met there. I would love to tell you about them.

We stayed at the Ronald McDonald house for 20 days. We had our own room, very much like a hotel room but the rest of the house we shared with everyone, such as the main sitting areas, kitchen and playrooms. The first few days we kept to ourselves. When John was at the hospital, Cassidy and I would play outside or watch TV. During the day the house was always quiet. One of the requirements of guests was that they spend a minimum of 6 hours at the hospital caring for their child daily. This was to ensure that they weren't taking advantage of the house and using it as a vacation and neglecting their sick child. There were others around during the day however, and it didn't take long for us to start making friends.

We were the only family staying at the house who was there for a happy reason. When we were going over everything with the staff, they mentioned how they adoptive families were their favorites. I quickly learned why. As I got to know other parents, we obviously first talked about our kids and why we were at the house. Their stories were heartbreaking. More then once after visiting with other moms I would go up to my room and cry for them. I couldn't believe the things they were having to endure. It was unimaginable to me and I felt guilty that we were there under such happy circumstances. I mean, yes, Aviannah was in the hospital but she was healthy and just needed a bit of extra care before she was ready to face the world. Her situation didn't even compare to the hell that these other families were going through.

I especially got to know two moms really well. I think about them often and I very much regret not getting any contact information from them. The one mom was there with her husband and their 11 year old daughter. Her 19 year old step-daughter, her husband's daughter, lived in a house trailer in Arizona with her new husband and their 10 month old baby girl. One day, without warning, their trailer exploded. They all survived, but were all hurt terribly. The baby was burnt quite badly and all of her fingers were either completely gone or partially gone. The husband and baby stayed in Arizona in a hospital there, and the wife had to be airlifted to Las Vegas because her burns were so much worse. Her whole body was burnt. The only place that wasn't was the top of her head. They were mostly 3rd degree and some 2nd. When we got to the house, this girl's parents had been their for a month already and looked to be staying for a few more months at least. I got to know this girl's stepmom really well and I was just devastated for them. The story goes so much deeper then what I've said here and I think about them everyday. 

Another mom I got to know well was there with her 18 month old daughter who has leukaemia. Her daughter is actually a twin and this lady's husband was back home in Utah with their other daughter, so the family was separated. My heart broke for this little girl. She always looked so sad and the treatments were rough on her. Her mom was exhausted and missed the rest of her family. The day before we left her mom told me that they had gotten some important tests back. The doctors were optimistic that her cancer was digressing and that she might even be able to go home and continue a less rigorous chemo treatment from home. Instead, they learned that her cancer had gotten worse. Instead of going twice a week for chemo she was now going to have to go in 5 days a week, for more invasive treatments that would be harder on her tiny little body. Her chances of survival had dropped drastically. I didn't even know what to say when she told me this. I'm crying right now as I type this. I wonder how she is doing now. I don't even know how I would find out. These girls were miracle babies. Their parents had tried for years to have children, and were eventually blessed with twins. I know that feeling, the feeling of waiting years for your babies. To have that joy replaced by the tragedy of cancer- I can't imagine and it makes me so so angry.  

There were so many others we met with equally heartbreaking stories. I wanted to share these ones with you and ask if you would please pray for these families. And also, would you please, when you have a chance, support the Ronald McDonald Foundation? They have houses across the world and they become home for many families. 20 days is nothing compared to how long some families stay and these houses are their refuge, their safe place. A place where they can, even for a little bit, forget about the hard things they are going through and relax. Meeting these families reminded me of how cruel life can be, and how much we need Jesus. Life is fleeting, and things can change in the blink of an eye. I'm thankful for a God who doesn't change and I know that whatever trials I have yet to face in this life, I won't be facing them alone. I hope we were able to give some of this hope to the families we met. 

Things that get Lost in the Night

Nights in the Letkeman home have been more eventful and less restful since Aviannah joined our family. But I think last night wins for most eventful yet!

In case you didn't know, I do strange things in my sleep sometime. Often my dreams get blurred with reality and I'm not able to determine which is which. Like the time I dreamt I wasn't wearing pajama pants and I woke up to myself tearing apart my dresser looking for my pants. Or the times (happened more then once) that I woke up and freaked out because there was a man in my bed and a few minutes later realized that I'm married to him and it's allowed :)

So there's some background on my sleep antics. Now to recap about the adventure last night. Aviannah woke around 1:00 wanting to eat. She never wakes up screaming but she always starts out by grunting and squeaking loudly and if I don't respond fairly quickly it turns into cries. So I was pulled from my sleep by the sound of her grunting. I instinctively reached for my glasses on my night stand, only to discover that they weren't there. Another thing you need to know about me is that I'm basically blind without glasses or contacts. My hand has to be practically smacking me in the face before it looks clear to me. So when I couldn't find my glasses in their regular spot I began feeling blindly around on the rest of my night stand. Sometimes they fall on the floor so I checked there too. Then I thought that perhaps when I took my contacts out, I never actually put my glasses on because I went directly to bed after. So I stumbled to the bathroom and checked my glasses case. Nope. Empty.  Aviannah was now crying and I knew I wouldn't be able to see to make her bottle, so I woke the sleeping husband. I explained my plight and he willingly joined in the search for my glasses while I held a very hungry baby. After a few minutes he found them in the middle of our bed, underneath the covers. We figured in my sleep I must've tried to put them on and missed and they ended up in the bed. Weird. Anyway. Fed the baby, went back to sleep. All was well.

I got up once more with her in the night and everything was as it should be. Fast forward to this morning. Aviannah joined me in the bed around 6:30 and we slept for another hour. Cassidy woke and I went to take her to the bathroom. That's when I noticed that my wedding rings were not on my finger! One more thing to know about me- I never ever ever ever ever ever ever take off my rings. Not to shower, not to do dishes, and not to sleep. So I immediately felt a bit panicky when I didn't see them in their usual place. My first thought was that perhaps they, like my glasses, were in my bed. But Aviannah was sleeping in there and I didn't want to wake her, so I very impatiently waited until she stirred then searched the bed like a mad woman. I thankfully found them very quickly, under the covers, just like my glasses were.

So I really have no idea what was going on in my head last night. I have no recollection of dreaming about taking off my rings or my glasses, but somehow they both ended up in the bed. I'm just thankful that my glasses didn't break and that my rings aren't lost! All's well that ends well! And yes, John gets a kick out of my nightly antics. But I'm not the only one who does funny things in my sleep. Like Wednesday night, when I came back to bed after a feeding, snuggled up to him and he growled at me...yeah...

Milestones

Right now Cassidy is watching a movie downstairs, Aviannah is playing contentedly on her play mat and I am watching her from the couch as the warm sunshine is streaming in through the windows...ahhh! Today is a good day!

It feels lately like both girls have been hitting some milestones around here! As I mentioned, we started night training Cassidy a little while back. So far she's been diaper free for 10 nights and... she hasn't wet the bed once! WHAT? I was completely prepared for numerous accidents and multiple loads of laundry but this kid is rocking it! For the first few nights, every time I got up with Avi, I'd also take Cassidy and put her on the potty. The first two nights she would go both times, but after that she'd go maybe once and then one night she didn't go at all! And then the same thing the next night, and the next night. Now I just go into her room, gently wake her and ask her if she needs to go potty. She usually says no and I leave it at that, because I know she can stay dry all night. Of course, this usually means a mad dash to the potty in the morning. She burst in on me this morning and yelled "I need to pee really really bad!" 
I am so proud of her and she is even more proud of herself! Honestly, this is one milestone that I am overjoyed we've finally reached! Considering how hard it was to day-train her, I was not looking forward to the night. She was day trained for a good 6 months before we started on nights. I know some people tackle both at once, but she struggled so much with day training that I didn't want to overwhelm her and I'm so glad we waited. She is obviously ready now, and I know she wouldn't have been ready then. We are definitely waiting longer to start potty training Avi. Live and learn!

We now have a crib in Aviannah's room. I bought some really pretty bedding off the buy and sell on Facebook and the nursery is complete! Last week I started putting her down to nap in her crib because I want her to get used to it before we make the complete switch (she still sleeps in the bassinet in our room). We've been finding that after her 5:00 feeding in the morning, it's difficult to get her back to sleep in her bassinet. She will sleep for maybe half an hour and then fuss, so I bring her into bed to sleep with me. I don't mind this, but I don't really want to get her into that habit either. The other day John's alarm went off at 6 and it woke her, and there was no going back to sleep after that. So lately I've started putting her to bed in her crib after her 5:00 feeding and she will usually sleep at least another 2 hours in there, if not more! I am ALMOST ready to move her into the nursery full time. Almost. It is just comforting to me to know that she is an arms reach away from me and she still seems so little to be out of our room, but I am really loving how well she sleeps in her own room, so we'll see how the next few days play out! I can't believe I'm saying this, but I am already mourning the loss of her babyhood. I packed away her newborn clothes the other day and that was harder then I thought it would be. She's still teeny tiny so it seems ridiculous that I would be thinking about this already, but I know it won't be long and she'll be walking and talking. Although that stage is super fun too! Oh the conflicting emotions!

Speaking of baby, she's becoming not so content on her playmat, so that's all for now! Thanks for reading!

4 Months

Aviannah is 4 months old today! I want to document what she's like at each month so I can remember and since I don't have a baby book yet (gotta get on that) I'm documenting it on here. We arrived home 2 days after she turned 3 months so this is her first month birthday at home!

-She smiles ALOT! Anytime anyone talks to her and smiles at her, they are usually rewarded with a big toothless grin. She saves the biggest smiles for John and I :)
- She is becoming very vocal. If she's happy and fed and dry, she loves to play on her playmat and just talk away. I've been working on teaching her the word "Mom" and it really does sound like she says it sometimes! 
- She can grasp toys with our help, not quite on her own yet, but she loves to hit at the toys that hang down from her playmat and watch them swing back and forth.
- She is starting to respond to her name. She also responds really well to the sound of my voice and John's voice. If someone else is holding her and we are talking, she whips her head around looking for us and when she sees us, she locks on and doesn't take her eyes off us. It's very cute!
- She is usually very content. She cries when she's hungry or wet (but what baby doesn't?) but other then that she's pretty happy most of the time. She does usually have some fussy time in the evening.
- She loves being outside! The fresh air usually makes her pass out.
- She is now eating 2 and a half to 3 oz. most feedings. She is still waking every 3-4 hours at night to eat. 
- She startles easily. If she is asleep and something wakes her, the bottom lip goes out and she screams! I try not to laugh, because the look on her face is too cute!
- She loves loves loves being naked. When she's up on the changing table she is so pleased. 
- She loves bath time. We lay her on a bath mat and put a warm washcloth over her and she is pleased as punch. The last couple times I've let Cassidy be in the bath with her as well and she enjoys watching her big sister.
- She still sleeps alot, but is having more and more awake time. She's started to be routine in when her awake times are. She is not on any kind of schedule yet.
- She is most happiest when she's being snuggled. This makes me happy!

I can't believe she's already 4 months old! Her adjusted age is more around 2 months, but she is definitely growing! We see the doctor again next week and I'm excited to hear what she weighs now. We love life with this tiny little darling!

Confessions

I made a comment yesterday on Facebook about how Aviannah has not cured my baby fever, but only made it worse. I also said how I was sad because she is probably our last baby, since we can't afford to adopt again. At least 5 people piped up and said they'd gladly help support another adoption. This made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but it also stirred up a feeling of panic and slight terror. I've been wrestling with this thought for awhile now and I didn't want to share it because I was afraid of the backlash that might ensue, but after yesterday it's been heavy on my mind, and so I want to confess something to you:

I do not enjoy adopting.

Now. Let me explain. I L.O.V.E my girls. I would do their adoptions over and over again if I had to. I would choose them over any biological children I could have any day. The way they came to us is nothing short of miraculous and I've never stopped marvelling how evident God's hand was in both of their adoptions. I can't wait to tell them the story of how we brought them home over and over again. I have come to a place where I am so thankful that God chose to grow our family through adoption. He has completely wrecked me for the better, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Yet...I really really do not enjoy the adoption process. When we were right in the thick of Aviannah's adoption I remember talking to John one night and I was in tears because I didn't feel passionate about adoption and I thought that was so wrong. I have friends who are passionate about adoption, and it is awesome! I tried really hard to be like them, but I just couldn't. I struggled with this for a while, but I've now come to a place where I am ok with that. You might not understand how I can't be passionate about adoption and yet have adopted twice, but honestly, the only reason we adopted is because it was the only option we had to have children. That may sound completely selfish, but I'm not going to try to sugar-coat it. It's the truth. I never (unless God laid it on my heart, of course) would have considered adoption if I were able to have bear my own children. Some people say they've always wanted to adopt. I never even thought once about it. Please don't take this to mean that I don't care about orphans because I really, really do. I have and will continue to support those who are working so hard to bring one of these children home, because I think that it's biblical and beautiful and I think we all need to take a stake in the orphan crisis.

I feel bad saying all this because honestly, both our adoptions have been almost flawless. We've adopted twice in 3 years. That alone is almost unheard of. Apart from a few bumps in Cassidy's adoption (very minor bumps), we've had no problems. And yet both the adoption processes were very, very stressful for me. With Cassidy's, it was the waiting to get it finalized. She was with us almost immeadiately from the start, but it took over a year before it was final. Learning how to accomodate her birth family was extremely difficult for me. We have a wonderful, wonderful relationship with them now, but it was a long road to get there, and only John knows how badly I struggled with it. With Aviannah's, it was the money and the waiting and all the paperwork. It all came together, but the process really wore me down. These days, I am deliriously happy and it's partly because I have the cutest baby EVER and it's mostly because we are not adopting right now. Really, I can't find words for how happy that makes me. And that's why, when all those lovely people started saying how they'd help us again, my heart sank and I wanted to go curl up in the fetal position in a closet somewhere. Because the thought of adopting again, right now, is too much for me. I can't handle it. I know we're just fresh out of one, and in a few years I might change my tune, but for now, just no. 

I've met many other adoptive parents and I feel like I don't belong in the adoptive community because these people are fighting every single day for their kids, fighting the system and fighting for change, and I just don't have that in me. I'm so glad that they have that passion, because I agree that things need to change. There are too many children without families and that needs to change. Like I said, I will support others who adopt, and who knows, maybe we'll adopt again but it's not my passion, it's not my dream and I've learned that that's ok. For now, our family feels complete. We have some ideas about what we'd like to do a few years down the road, but for now we're fine the way we are.

Please know how grateful we are for the love and support you've shown us. Grateful beyond words. If there's one thing I've learned through all of this, it's that God is full of surprises, and so I wouldn't be surprised if, in a few years, we'll be back at it again. Your show of support for another adoption makes me feel a little less panicked about it and that means everything.

Don't Have a Cow

When I opened my Facebook page this morning, I saw that there's been some excitement in Warman. Apparently a cow got loose and came into town. From what I read (do not quote me on this, and please correct me if I'm wrong) the police and others tried capturing the cow but it became aggressive and was charging at vehicles and people. So they proceeded to shoot the cow and it unfortunately took many shots before it was killed.

Well. You'd think the world was coming to an end. I couldn't believe all the people that were livid over the situation. They raged on and on about how inhumane it was to shoot the cow and how traumatizing for all the people involved and what about animal rights and so on and so forth. It sounded like some teenagers had witnessed it and I admit, that would be scary and I would not want to see something like that, but people!

Its. A. Cow.

Please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks this whole thing is ridiculous. Cows are for food. They are not pets, they are food. I am an animal lover. I love my dog. I think animals are wonderful and make this life a lot more fun. I also think some animals are delicious. Like cows. And it's not even like we live in a place like New York with a bunch of city slickers. This is a farming community! People here know that cows are for food. I do understand that this was an unorthodox situation but all I could think about was how messed up our priorities are. What about the millions of babies who have been and are being aborted? Who's crying foul over that?

For me, the war on abortion feels personal. Because my babies could have easily been aborted. They could have easily been another statistic instead of here in my arms. Between both my girls, 7 of their half-siblings were aborted. 7! There are not words for how I feel about this. I'm not sure what made their birth mothers choose life for Cassidy and Aviannah, but I will never stop being thankful that they did. It often feels like we're fighting a losing battle and that there's nothing we can do, but I believe that God is bigger then even the biggest problems. I often wonder why He doesn't put a stop to things like abortion and poverty and the orphan crisis, but I trust that His ways are bigger then my ways. In the meantime, I will continue to get worked up about abortion. I will continue to be mad about it and look for ways in which I can be a part of eliminating abortion all together.

I will not get worked up about a cow being shot.

Lately

Cassidy has been potty trained for a while but still wore diapers to bed and for naps. She was still waking up wet most mornings and we wanted to make sure she really had the daytime potty training down before we introduced the night. We figured now is the perfect time to do it, since I'm up multiple times during the night anyway! Yesterday she told me "Mom, I don't need to wear diapers to bed anymore," and I was all "Let's do this!" So we bought a waterproof mattress pad and last night she wore panties to bed! Both John and I took her once during the night and both times we were both scared as to what we'd find in her room. But the night was a success! We had told her before we put her to bed that we'd be waking her up to go potty in the night. She waltzed into our room this morning, proudly announced that she had stayed dry and then said "But you guys never came to get me!" So she obviously doesn't remember our little excursions to the potty :) We're off to a good start, hopefully it continues!

Aviannah is growing like a weed! I really can't tell by looking at her because I see her everyday, but most of her newborn clothes are too small and over the past couple days she's increased what she eats. She used to eat 2 oz. every 3 hours and now she is eating 2 and a half to 3 oz. every 3 hours. I'm hoping this means she will soon start sleeping in longer stretches too! I'm not even sad that she's already outgrown some really cute clothes, because I'm just happy that she is growing! She has had such a rough start to life, but she's a fighter! I can really tell that she recognizes John and I. If someone else is holding her and one of us say something she immediately whips her head around to where the sound of our voice came from. She is completely fine with anybody holding her, but it's cute how she locks onto us as if to say "Ok, don't go anywhere now ok?" I've been loving all the smiles, and we've almost gotten a laugh out of her. When she's happy, content and full she just babbles away. I thinks she likes life with us. I like life with her too.

My grandma's funeral was on Wednesday and I can't stop thinking about it. It was the most God honoring and beautiful funeral I've ever been to. There were two things especially that stuck with me. The first was the way that her children spoke about her. Most of my aunts and uncles (there's 12 siblings) did tributes or sang, and it was easy to see the love and respect they had for her. They had nothing but praise for her. My grandma invested so much into her children's lives and loved them uncondionally and they are proof of that today. Seeing this made me think about the kind of mother I want to be, and also reminded me of Proverbs 31:28- "Her children arise and call her blessed." The second was how much of a prayer warrior she was. I always knew my grandma took prayer very seriously, but I don't think I truly understood how seriously until her funeral. My one uncle, the youngest of the 12, mentioned that in the time he lived at home, he didn't remember single day when my Grandma wasn't reading her bible and praying in the morning. A few other siblings re-iterated this. My dad showed us her prayer cards. They were so worn and were crammed full with names (we have a big family!) He showed me how she had stuffed Aviannah's name in where our family's names were written. This brought me to tears. Even in her last weeks, when she was in so much pain, she still made sure the newest family member didn't go un-prayed for. There was nothing more important to her then making sure that all of our family will be in heaven together one day and she never stopped praying for that. I don't know today where everyone stands, but I will continue to pray that that request will be answered in full. I also have to say that I've never been prouder of my dad. He spoke the message at her funeral which I know was not easy for him, but he did it with grace and perfection and his strength amazes me. It was truly a beautiful celebration. Grandma would've been embarrassed with all the attention, but she deserved every beautiful word that was spoken. Her life inspires me to live a better life for Jesus.

Life is just so sweet right now, and my babies are going to grow up too fast so I'm trying to soak in these days as much as I can.