I realized it's been a month and a half since I've done an adoption update but...what's to update? Literally nothing has changed since my last update. We had a visit with our worker at the beginning of April and have yet to have another one. This has honestly been super frustrating. We scheduled one tentatively for the end of April, but she had to reschedule. No big deal. We've had to reschedule every other appointment thus far so why should this one be any different? Ha.
So we rescheduled for May 4, a Friday, at 9:15. John decided to take the day off. We wait and wait and she doesn't show up. Again, this isn't unusual that she's late. She's been late to every other meeting we've had. Finally at 10:00 I figure something must be wrong. I try calling her phone at her office, no answer. I try emailing her. I try calling the front desk. Nothing. Finally at 10:30 she calls me back. She had written the wrong day in her planner, she thought our meeting was the next Friday. So we ended up not meeting with her that day. We were so frustrated and so upset, although I was very nice on the phone (I am so non confrontational, I kind of hated that about myself in that moment, but in hindsight, it's probably a good thing I was forgiving in that moment). John felt like he wasted the whole day and we ended up fighting with each other because we were both frustrated. So yeah, not the greatest day, but we apologized to each other and had a wonderful date night that evening :)
So anyway, even though she had written us in for the next Friday, that day didn't work for her either for some reason, so we rescheduled for the 16th, which is today! Yesterday she called and said she had to reschedule again so as of now we are sitting at next Wednesday for our next meeting. I don't even know what to think anymore. I like our worker, she's nice and friendly, but she seems so disorganized. I know she's super busy, and I feel for her, but it's getting a little old to keep being pushed down to the bottom of her priorities. I told John the other day that I just feel like I don't really care anymore. For the first time, I'm wondering if this is even going to happen at all. I feel very meh about the whole thing. I keep telling myself that God has a plan and that His timing is perfect. We weren't ever given a set timeline on how long this process would take and honestly, I'm not even that upset that it's taking so long but it's more like I really just don't care.
I keep thinking about how this is going to change our family. We have a pretty good thing going right now. We've been a family of four longer then we've been a family of three and a family of two. The thought of that dynamic changing was super exciting at first but I think the novelty has worn off and now it just scares me. We really didn't have to uproot our lives too much to make room for our girls. They sort of just fit nicely into our family and of course it changes things, but things didn't change too much, if you know what I mean. I don't think that is going to be the case with this one. This child will most likely have some trauma attached, possible medical needs, might be a different race- all of those things could dramatically change our life! If you had talked to me a couple months ago, I would've said how excited I was for this. I think it's a good thing to be shaken up out of your comfort zone. We want God to stretch us and shake us up a bit. I still want that, but I feel much more frightened of it then I did a couple months ago. I'm not sure why. We've done all the paperwork and are literally just waiting on this last visit to happen, so maybe it's because it's all out of my control that I suddenly feel so apathetic about it.
For anyone else that's adopted, you know this is normal. I've felt this way before. The waiting is draining, and maybe I've just been over analyzing everything too much. We still very much feel like God is leading this whole process. We pray for our future child every night. I'm just finding it so hard to make myself believe that this is really going to happen. Although when I think about it not happening, I get even more scared.
I guess what I really want to say is please keep praying for us. Pray that we will be able to have this last visit. Pray that we will get approved to adopt. Pray for our child that's out there waiting for us. We really want him/her to come home soon. Thank you for reading my blog, even when I write really depressing stuff like this post, haha. I like to keep it real. Hopefully I will have a more optimistic update next time!
