It's God

Lately I've been feeling thankful for something. Something that I never thought I'd be able to think about without feeling despair, let alone thankfulness. I've been feeling thankful for my infertility.

The other day I was playing with my girls and I was struck with the thought that if I were able to have my own babies, these babies would not be a part of my life, and since then I've been thinking how thankful I am that I wasn't able to have my own babies. To not know Cassidy and Aviannah, to not kiss their sweet faces a million times a day, to not see their smiles or feel their warm hugs, to not be able to celebrate their birthdays and watch them grow right before my eyes are things I can't even fathom. I wouldn't trade them for anything, not even a pregnancy.

This April marks 10 years since I found out I wouldn't be able to have children. That day feels like a lifetime ago and yet I can drag up the memory of that day easily. I don't even recognize that girl anymore. If I could go back in time and tell her that 10 years later she'd be glad and thankful for her infertility, she would've thought I was crazy. And, like anything in my life, all glory goes to God. I am positive that I would not be in this place, feeling this way, without him. It's God who brought me through those first few dark years with tenderness and patience. It's God who heard my many desperate pleas for a child. It's God who gave me the most incredible man as my husband, someone who loved and wanted me despite my "situation." It's God who restored joy in my heart and allowed me to hope again. It's God who changed my heart from being completely against adoption to seeing how completely and utterly redeeming adoption actually is. And it's God who brought my babies home to me. Nature intended them for someone else, God intended them for me.

After we brought Aviannah home, I said "This is it. We're done," all the while knowing that maybe eventually my heart would soften to the idea of adopting again. Not surprisingly, it has. There's a yearning to adopt again growing inside of me. It started small, but it's growing something fierce. Most of my thoughts these days are consumed with the possibility of adding to our family. I've started praying, asking God to show us if there's another child out there for us. John doesn't feel the same way I do and I know I can't even begin to consider it unless we're on the same page so I'll wait and pray and see what happens. If there's anything I've learned in this 10 year journey, it's that God's plans are far better then my own.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl

Today marks one year of life for our little Aviannah. Today marks her very first birthday!

I'm trying so hard to find the words to express how I feel about today and there just aren't words for it. Aviannah is my hero. The mere fact that she's alive is a miracle. Even though I wasn't present when she made her way into the world a year ago, I can't help but imagine what it would've been like. How scared her sweet mother must've been when she realized that the baby was coming, too soon and too fast. How panicked her father must've been when he realized the ambulance wasn't going to make it in time and he was going to have to deliver her. How easy it would've been for them to not call an ambulance, to birth her and then just throw her away and be done with it. Because, really, what were her chances of living anyway? And yet, they chose life. I think about that every day. I think about how those first few days must've been the hardest, must've been when she had to fight the most, fight to breathe and fight to live. I think about the nurses and how they took her in as if she was their own, how they became her stand in parents in a way. I think about one of the social workers from our agency who visited Aviannah on a regular basis, who took time out of her days to just sit and love on her, because she needed that. (We still send this wonderful lady pictures and updates of Avi and like a proud grandma, she shows them off to all her family and friends). I think about how anxious everyone was for Aviannah's mother to pick a family for her to belong to, and how relieved everyone seemed when we finally got there. I remember how the nurses cried when we left. That little baby had wormed her way into their hearts and I know they found it hard to let her go. 

And here we are, at her first birthday! She's a completely different baby then she was then and I'm so thankful for the crazy ways that God has already been at work in her life. It's obvious that He's got great plans for her and I'm just thankful that I get to be along for the ride. 

Here's a glimple of Aviannah at a year:

- she does not sleep through the night anymore, that can change any day now!

- she army crawls like a pro! She knows how to crawl normally but she's so fast at the army crawl that she much prefers that way. 

- she has 4 teeth and is working on some more. Anything and everything goes in the mouth.

- she says "Mama" and "Dada" all the time and babbles constantly. Typical girl!

- she prefers to feed herself with her fingers but will tolerate us putting food in her mouth. Her favorite foods are sweet potatoes, creamed corn, yogurt, prunes, strawberries and squash. 

- she loves it when her big sister gives her the time of day and laughs so easily for her.

- she is not pulling herself up yet (we haven't even had to lower her crib mattress!). She's very content just to watch all the activity around her, although I can tell now that she moves around effortlessly she's more motivated to do things.

- her "soother" is her two middle fingers on her right hand. If she's not getting what she wants right away, the fingers go in. Pretty cute!

- she's got a temper on her. She usually doesn't cry but if she gets offended about something, she lets you know!

- she loves being outside and doesn't even seem to mind the cold.

- she waves hello and bye bye

- she smiles at every single person she sees and everyone in response comments on how big her eyes are!

- she is happy happy happy!

There's probably much more that I could say but that's all I can think of right now. She's just one tiny ball of joy and delight. Every time I pick her up and she smiles at me I feel like the luckiest person in the world. 

Happy Birthday, baby girl!

Here's to many, many more!