2022 in Review

 Here we are again, another year almost in the books! I love doing these yearly wrap ups more for me then anyone else. A good reminder of how faithful the Lord has been throughout the year

The absolute highlight of our whole year happened in the first month. John and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary back in November 2020. We planned for a big trip but obviously that didn't happen. Finally, in January 2022 we got that trip! We spent a week in Huatulco, Mexico at a beautiful, fancy schmancy resort. We will probably never stay somewhere that nice again so it was so fun to be completely spoiled for a week. It was absolute perfection and the perfect way to kick off a new year.

My parents stayed with the girls. Unfortunately, both girls got covid during our trip, as did my parents but they all recovered nicely. I also got covid a month later and it hit me a little harder but I made a full recovery fairly quickly and I'm so thankful for that.

March was birthday month. Both girls chose parties at home with friends and it was a crazy busy month but so fun! By then all covid restrictions had lifted and it felt so good to have a house full of their friends!

We also got a paper route in March! Cassidy and I currently do it together but the hope is for one day her and Avi to do it. It is quite a large route but mid summer we were blessed to randomly cross paths with some people we'd met once before, who happened to be moving to our side of town and whose son was looking for a paper route! We happily agreed to split our route and I've never been more glad for that then I have been on these cold winter days!

In April, my niece Kendra turned one and we went out to Sylvan Lake over Easter weekend to visit them. We had a great time!

In May the girls had their first ever piano recital! They've been taking lessons for a while now but this was the first time we could gather for a recital. They both did such a good job. They are still both taking lessons and loving it. They have their lessons at school which is super convienent. They also had a track and field day at the end of May. It's been so wonderful to have all of these events again after two years.

We kicked off summer vacation with family camp at Cypress Hills! We've been wanting to do a family camp for awhile and I was looking up different camps in the province and I realized there was one in Cypress Hills. We've also been wanting to visit there, as John had never been and I only went once as a kid. It was so so wonderful! We are already talking about going back next summer. Family camp was so fun and the setting is beyond gorgeous. I kept saying it felt like we were in BC. Cypress is truly a gem in our province. We added a few days on to tent after family camp and boy, that was interesting! It POURED rain the entire time we set up camp. It was a miserable experience but we put our heads down and did it with no arguing, so I'd call that a win! Thankfully it didn't rain the rest of our time there. We can look back and laugh now!

The rest of the summer we spent at home and it was a perfect mix of busy and relaxing. We had a family reunion on John's side, my siblings came out and we spent some time with them, we went to the fair, the girls had a lemonade stand, lots of park visits, and the girls spent two weeks doing swimming lessons in Martensville. Avi finally conquered her fear of going underwater and Cassidy passed her level and improved so much. Another highlight of the summer- both girls attended their own summer camps at Redberry. This was Cassidy's 4th year and the first time for Avi! She just did a two night camp but loved it!

Summer went by too fast, as it always does. The girls started grades 3 and 6 in September. I had a little bit of turnover in my daycare with some kids aging out and adding a new little guy to my crew! We also did something crazy and impulsive and got a puppy! The cutest, cuddliest labradoodle named Oscar. He's currently growing at a rapid rate and I'm kind of terrified of how big he'll end up being! He is such a good boy and we love him so much.

Fall has definitely been the hardest part of our year. Back to school also brought some crazy viruses. September and October were brutal. Every one of my daycare kids were sick, and not just a minor cold. The four of us also got sick in there too. It was mid November before we finally made it through a week of no sick kids. We seem to be over the worst of it (I hope!) and I'm praying for good health from here on out.

We also had quite a few unexpected house expenses which has been discouraging but those are the things that come with being a homeowner, and when it rains, it pours.

A bright spot in a difficult fall season was traveling to Vernon, BC to attend my cousin's wedding and celebrate my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary! It was so wonderful to all be together and the weather was fabulous.

The worst part of this year was saying goodbye to Maya, our dog of 13 years. We put her down at the beginning of December. We all feel her absence and miss her very much. 

We are all looking forward to Christmas and time off from work and lots of good family time. A few things that are coming up next year are a trip to Vegas in April to show Avi where she was born (this has been in the works for quite awhile and we are all so excited!) and a job change for John! More about that at another time! My daycare is as busy as ever and I'm so thankful for these wonderful families I get to work for.

We are so thankful for good health, good friends and family and a good God! 

Our Third Adoption Journey Part 2

 ***Read Part 1 first or this won't make sense!***

Sometimes (a lot of the time), even though you know something is the right thing, that doesn't make it easy. I did eventually come to the place where I knew we needed to close our file. With one email to the social worker, it would be over. We needed that closure. Even though we were still living our life, there was always that possibility that we could get a call at any moment and our life would change. It was just a constant thought at the back of my mind. But I could not make myself write the dang email!! Every day I knew it was something I needed to do, something we both wanted to do, but I kept thinking what if? What if this is a mistake?

Time for another story- the story of the bunk bed. Early in the adoption process, when things were going smoothly, John built a bunk bed. A unique, gorgeous bed. This bed was in anticipation of a third child. Our girls weren't ready to move downstairs and we needed a way to put 3 kids in 2 bedrooms. So a bed was made, and used, and loved. Fast forward to a few months ago, when we knew the third kid wasn't coming but before I sent the email, we decided to sell the bunk bed. Avi was using it and had been asking for her old bed back so we sold it very quickly and it was gone within the week. 

I was still majorly struggling at that point. Struggling to come to terms with the death of my deepest desire. Little did I know, the physical act of the bed leaving the house was the beginning of my acceptance of our new reality. So many people commented on how sad it was that we got rid of the bed because it was so beautiful and John had put so much work in it, which is true, but my initial reaction was relief. I realized that bed was just a constant reminder of the child that would never sleep in it and having it gone allowed my heart to stop being reminded of what never would be and to move forward. It's so hard to explain and such a strange thing to help in my grieving process but it really truly did.

Shortly after that, our social worker emailed us! We needed to update a bunch of things to keep our file active. This was it, the moment I had been putting off. I responded that we would like to close our file. I didn't really go into why because it was hard to explain and I wanted to get this part over with. She called me later that day and I was able to explain a little more why we made this decision. She sounded sad and I felt bad but when I hung up, the peace that overwhelmed me was undeniable. It was done and I did feel confident that we made the right decision.

I want to talk about some of the things that have helped me move from a place of deep sorrow and struggle over a failed adoption to complete peace. I was talking with a friend about our situation and she said something so profound that I still come back to: "I'm sorry the choice was made for you." This was so helpful for me. I was being hard on myself for having such a hard time with this. It wasn't like we had a child already that was ripped from our home, or even that we had put any money into it that was lost. I know people who have had far more traumatic failed adoptions. This comment helped me be gentle with myself. It's hard when a choice that you would not choose is made for you. I let that sink in and instead of beating myself up, I let myself grieve that and that helped in letting go and moving on.

Another neat thing that happened was someone I follow on social media had asked a question about family sizes and was sharing others responses. One lady said something like this: "We have 5 kids but I wish we only had had 2 or maybe 3, but I feel like I can't talk about that. We aren't able to give our kids the travel and educational opportunities we dreamed of." I quite literally burst into tears when I read this. I always wanted a big family and I still think I would choose that if I could, but I again was able to shift my perspective and think about all the advantages that come with having a small family. We can more easily afford actives like dance, gymnastics, swimming, piano. Travel in general is easier and cheaper with less kids. We can hopefully do more of it. We can put aside more money for their education. We have more time and energy to give to 2 children verses 5. There are so many things! I tangibly changed my thinking from "We are missing out on dot dot dot" to "We get to do dot dot dot". I also used this strategy to help me cope with my infertility. It's a game changer!

I am so grateful to be in a place of contentment today. That's not to say I'm always content. The hardest part is understanding why. Why did God allow us to walk this long, very difficult road if we didn't get the baby at the end? That was the only thing that kept me going most days so what was the point? And I still can't answer that, and maybe I never will be able to, but I have to trust that God used this experience for our good and maybe for someone else's good. I'm sharing this because I've learned that their is value in being vulnerable. It brings connection, healing and joy. We are so grateful for all the love and support we've received in all our adoption journeys and we love this little family we've created!

Our Third Adoption Journey Part 1

 It's been a minute...is blogging still even a thing? I don't really care because I have a story to tell. It's one I've been meaning to tell for a while but I haven't been ready until now.  It's a story about our failed adoption.

In January 2018 (almost FIVE years ago??!), we announced on Facebook that we were beginning the adoption process for a third time. I posted a picture of the girls with Avi wearing a "Big Sister" shirt. That picture still makes me sad to look back on. I was definitely being presumptuous but I truly did feel certain that we would be expanding our family again. Leading up to this announcement we had met with a social worker about the possibility of fostering and were given the option to begin a home study towards an adoption. We began praying about it and I had one of those moments where God spoke so clearly to me that adoption was the path we should take. John was on the same page and we felt so in alignment as a trio. So I announced it on Facebook and we started the process.

Everything was going so smoothly at first. We took the courses we needed to take, both online and in person. We began meetings at our house with our social worker to start the home study process. We were meeting about once a month. In June everything came to a halt. Our social worker had some concerns about some methods of discipline we had used in the past and were not against, that the ministry felt we needed to be against, and our file came dangerously close to being closed. Our social worker, who really believed in us, fought for our file to remain open and it did, but we had to do a bunch of extra courses and basically change our opinion on this matter, and our file was put on a hold for 6 months. That was really hard. We felt so discouraged and a little bit discriminated against. We decided to take a break. We put aside all adoption related things for about half a year. Then we picked it back up and did the extra work that was asked of us and around mid 2019, we got the process going again.

This time, things did not move as quickly. Due to under staffing, our social worker had a very full plate and was not able to meet with us as often as before. The home study process became so dragged out. We felt like she kept going over and over the same things and that we were making no progress. It was extremely frustrating and discouraging. We almost quit so many times. The interesting thing was, we never both felt like quitting at the same time. When one of us was feeling low, the other one was feeling more certain then ever that God still wanted us to do this and would encourage the other person, and we would keep going. During this time, God really brought us closer as a couple. We felt so many spiritual attacks, which just gave us more determination that we were doing what God wanted us to do. We really had to rely on prayer and each other and while it was so difficult to walk through, now looking back I can see how pivotal it was in shaping our relationship, both with God and each other.

In February of 2020, we had our final visit! Our home study was done and all we needed to do was meet in person at the office in Saskatoon, review everything, and we would officially on the waiting list! We were so excited! Finally, we made it. We truly felt like we wouldn't be on the list for long and our baby would be home with us. I don't think I need to tell you what happened next...

The world shut down and once everything, the process stopped. No one knew where to go from there. We couldn't go meet in person to review our file so we just had to wait...again. I couldn't believe it, honestly. Why was this so hard? We still felt so strongly that this was God's will for us, so why were we hitting a wall again and again? In July, things had settled down a bit and we were able to go in and meet and we were on the wait list by the end of the month. Our social worker told us we were one of the best families she'd ever worked with and we were confident that we wouldn't be waiting long. John and I made a loose agreement with each other that we would give it a year, but there was no way it would take that long, right?

Covid definitely impacted the movement of kids from foster homes to permanent families. Things were moving slower then usual. As soon as we were on the wait list, we didn't hear a peep. I emailed our social worker about 6 months later, desperate for an update. I just wanted to know in general how things were moving. She didn't really give me a straight answer, she just said she knew the waiting was hard and to just keep waiting. Not helpful. In July of 2021, John brought up our agreement and I pushed back hard. I wasn't ready to close our file. I couldn't believe that our baby wasn't home yet and I couldn't imagine going through all that with nothing to show for it. John was ready to be done, but he didn't push me again. He could tell I wasn't there yet. We did both feel like it didn't hurt to keep our file open. Our life wasn't being daily impacted by this waiting so we kept on keeping on.

We did eventually start to have more conversations about the future. Our girls were getting older and the older they got, the less realistic it seemed to welcome a third child under the age of 3. I knew what we needed to do but still, I pushed back. We needed to close our file and this chapter of our lives. We needed to move forward as a forever family of four. People would often say things like "you are so blessed to have your two girls", and I know those comments came from a place of love, but they were so hurtful to me. Every single day I am very keenly aware of how lucky I am to have them. There's not a moment that I forget the journey to them. I didn't need to be reminded of that, but that didn't mean that what I was going through now, having to say goodbye to the death of a dream of a larger family, didn't matter and wasn't hard. I could be thankful for what I had while grieving what I didn't have. Those two feelings did, and still do, coexist in my heart. Finally though, I also arrived at the same place John had been for a while now. We did need closure. It was time.

To be continued...