Our Third Adoption Journey Part 2

 ***Read Part 1 first or this won't make sense!***

Sometimes (a lot of the time), even though you know something is the right thing, that doesn't make it easy. I did eventually come to the place where I knew we needed to close our file. With one email to the social worker, it would be over. We needed that closure. Even though we were still living our life, there was always that possibility that we could get a call at any moment and our life would change. It was just a constant thought at the back of my mind. But I could not make myself write the dang email!! Every day I knew it was something I needed to do, something we both wanted to do, but I kept thinking what if? What if this is a mistake?

Time for another story- the story of the bunk bed. Early in the adoption process, when things were going smoothly, John built a bunk bed. A unique, gorgeous bed. This bed was in anticipation of a third child. Our girls weren't ready to move downstairs and we needed a way to put 3 kids in 2 bedrooms. So a bed was made, and used, and loved. Fast forward to a few months ago, when we knew the third kid wasn't coming but before I sent the email, we decided to sell the bunk bed. Avi was using it and had been asking for her old bed back so we sold it very quickly and it was gone within the week. 

I was still majorly struggling at that point. Struggling to come to terms with the death of my deepest desire. Little did I know, the physical act of the bed leaving the house was the beginning of my acceptance of our new reality. So many people commented on how sad it was that we got rid of the bed because it was so beautiful and John had put so much work in it, which is true, but my initial reaction was relief. I realized that bed was just a constant reminder of the child that would never sleep in it and having it gone allowed my heart to stop being reminded of what never would be and to move forward. It's so hard to explain and such a strange thing to help in my grieving process but it really truly did.

Shortly after that, our social worker emailed us! We needed to update a bunch of things to keep our file active. This was it, the moment I had been putting off. I responded that we would like to close our file. I didn't really go into why because it was hard to explain and I wanted to get this part over with. She called me later that day and I was able to explain a little more why we made this decision. She sounded sad and I felt bad but when I hung up, the peace that overwhelmed me was undeniable. It was done and I did feel confident that we made the right decision.

I want to talk about some of the things that have helped me move from a place of deep sorrow and struggle over a failed adoption to complete peace. I was talking with a friend about our situation and she said something so profound that I still come back to: "I'm sorry the choice was made for you." This was so helpful for me. I was being hard on myself for having such a hard time with this. It wasn't like we had a child already that was ripped from our home, or even that we had put any money into it that was lost. I know people who have had far more traumatic failed adoptions. This comment helped me be gentle with myself. It's hard when a choice that you would not choose is made for you. I let that sink in and instead of beating myself up, I let myself grieve that and that helped in letting go and moving on.

Another neat thing that happened was someone I follow on social media had asked a question about family sizes and was sharing others responses. One lady said something like this: "We have 5 kids but I wish we only had had 2 or maybe 3, but I feel like I can't talk about that. We aren't able to give our kids the travel and educational opportunities we dreamed of." I quite literally burst into tears when I read this. I always wanted a big family and I still think I would choose that if I could, but I again was able to shift my perspective and think about all the advantages that come with having a small family. We can more easily afford actives like dance, gymnastics, swimming, piano. Travel in general is easier and cheaper with less kids. We can hopefully do more of it. We can put aside more money for their education. We have more time and energy to give to 2 children verses 5. There are so many things! I tangibly changed my thinking from "We are missing out on dot dot dot" to "We get to do dot dot dot". I also used this strategy to help me cope with my infertility. It's a game changer!

I am so grateful to be in a place of contentment today. That's not to say I'm always content. The hardest part is understanding why. Why did God allow us to walk this long, very difficult road if we didn't get the baby at the end? That was the only thing that kept me going most days so what was the point? And I still can't answer that, and maybe I never will be able to, but I have to trust that God used this experience for our good and maybe for someone else's good. I'm sharing this because I've learned that their is value in being vulnerable. It brings connection, healing and joy. We are so grateful for all the love and support we've received in all our adoption journeys and we love this little family we've created!