This might be as vulnerable as I've ever gotten on this blog, hang on...
I really actually do not want to be writing this. The last I posted on here was that our adoption has been put on hold and that we were going to enjoy the summer and take a break. Well, we have enjoyed our summer, it's been wonderful and gone by much too fast. I was expecting to feel ready to jump back in to working towards the adoption with renewed energy and determination after a month or so, and for sure by the time summer was over. And I just don't. Not even close. Truthfully, I feel even more defeated then I did when we were told our file was being put on hold.
I have no idea why I'm struggling so much with this. I have felt confused and conflicted. I was so excited at the start, but I think with our file being put on hold I was faced with the reality that there is a good chance this may not happen for us, and I feel like investing all this time and energy into something that might not happen is pointless. We've felt like the reason we have been put on hold is unfair and I've lost a lot of faith in the system all together. Yesterday I cried into John's shoulder and told him that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to adopt again. It has been so hard. I know that we had such good experiences the first two times around and I know very well how hard adoption can be, and yet now that we are experiencing it for ourselves, it's harder then I ever imagined. The thing is, I know deep down in my heart that we are still supposed to do this. Even amidst the confusion and the struggle, to actually say no and move on feels wrong. So many people, family included, have said how perfect our family is the way it is, and I agree. I have struggled so much with my selfish desires of not wanting to grow our family because right now the girls are at wonderful stages that make everything easier. The world seems designed for a family of four. They are both potty trained, sleep through the night, don't need naps. They are both healthy. All of these seem like selfish reasons for not wanting to add to our family but I keep fixating on them.
John has also been struggling with the desire to keep going, but he actually feels more convinced then me that we need to do this. With our other adoptions we were both on the same page, yet I was always more excited then he was (that's just our personalities showing) so the fact that this is the other way around is different too. I trust him and I trust his instincts about it and I feel right now that that is the only thing keeping me from throwing in the towel all together. He has been so amazing through all this. I feel like I can't even put into words how confusing this is for me. John strongly believes that the devil is attacking us and I agree. Last night he made a very good point, which has prompted me to write this post. He said that maybe the reason we've been struggling so much is because we haven't let other people in and asked them to pray for us. I've asked you to pray in the past but in these past few months is when we've been struggling the most and we have not asked for help- at all. So, here I am, asking for help. Please pray for us. I don't even know how to ask you to pray, just pray. If you see me in person, don't bring it up unless I do. I don't really want to talk about it. I didn't even want to write about it. But I'm swallowing my pride because we need people alongside us to pray. We are exhausted and weary. I'm so very grateful for you all who love us and who pray for us, more then I can say.
