You're an Overcomer

If you're friends with me on Facebook, you saw that yesterday I posted that we were going to see a neurologist for Aviannah. I don't think I've ever gone into detail about Aviannah's health issues so I figured I'd take the time to explain about some of things that we are presently dealing with and may be dealing with in the future.

Due to being born early, one of the membranes in Avi's brain did not completely form all the way. When she was first born, they thought the entire membrane was missing but after an MRI they discovered that it was only partially missing. This is called Absent Septum Pellucidum (it took me a long time to get that right!) This meant that instead of being severely special needs, she was just at risk for some developmental delays. Of course, it's so hard to tell with an infant how severe the delays might be but they figured it was a pretty mild case. We received all of this information in her referral pacakge and it was a little scary, I have to admit. Even though we already knew we were saying yes to this baby, the fear of the unknown had me worried. They told us that we would need to follow up with a neurologist once we got back to Canada. We met our paediatrician last month and she was very pleased with Aviannah. She said she was doing extremely well and she wasn't expecting, based on her charts, to see such a healthy baby. We already knew she was doing well, but it was nice to get that reassurance from a professional. She put in a referral for us to the neurologist.

I was nervous going into yesterday's appointment. I know that Aviannah is doing great and I haven't seen any signs of delays. She is not doing all the things a normal 6 month old would be doing but she is at 4 months corrected age and they say preemies take at least 2 years or more to catch up. Even with all that, she still seems to be reaching milestones fairly on par! She also seems super smart to me. She responds to her name and to voices of people she knows. My mom talked to her on the phone the other day and she immediately starting babbling when she heard her voice. I could tell she recognized it! She mimics sounds and actions and has no problem grasping toys and putting them in her mouth.

Even with all that, I was scared there was still going to be something wrong. The neurologist asked lots of questions about her development and did an exam, moving her arms and legs and checking if she was using both sides of her body equally (meaning both sides of the brain are working together and at the same pace). He said typically they do an MRI and he was fully expecting to have to do one with her based on her charts from Las Vegas but after doing the exam he said that she was in no need of one. He said this was not the baby he was expecting to see at all. He said she seems right on par with her corrected age and maybe even a bit advanced. He also said that normally he would see her in 3 months, but since we were following up with our paediatrician, there was no need to see her again unless problems arose. 

This was amazing news and I almost started crying right there in his office. I often think back to that tiny, fragile 4 lb baby we met in the NICU, with a nasal canula and wires attached to her. I remember how they told us she would likely need to go home on oxygen and possibly be on oxygen until she was up to 8 years old. I look at her now, a strong, happy 12 lb 6 month old who has no breathing problems whatsoever and I am amazed at what she has overcome. I don't know what lies ahead for her but I know who holds her future. Whatever we face, I know we're not alone. God doesn't make mistakes. It wasn't mistake that she was born early, or that her brain didn't fully form like it was supposed to. He's got an amazing plan for her life and I'm thankful I get to watch it all unfold. She's our perfect little miracle.

6 Months

Today Miss Aviannah is 6 months old. Half a year old.

WHAT? Excuse me while I go in the corner and weep.

Ok, I'm back. I've actually discovered something about having a preemie- I get the rare gift of having a baby longer. Kids seem to grow up way too fast, and the baby stage especially seems to absolutely whiz by. I only got baby Cassidy for 3 months, if that, and that was not enough. At first when we brought Avi home I found myself obsessed with her growth and wanting her to catch up. It was hard to see babies younger then her that were bigger then her. I just wanted to her to catch up as quickly as possible. Now though, I look at it differently. I get a baby longer. And honestly, that is a huge answer to prayer! The number one reason we adopted from the States is because I wanted a baby. I think God understood just how badly I wanted a baby, and how I missed out on so much of Cassidy's baby years, and in His great wisdom He saw fit to bless me with a preemie, knowing that she would stay a baby longer. I may be totally off my rocker, but that's how I like to look at it! Because when it comes right down to it, she's healthy and growing and that's all that matters. She has the rest of her life to be a kid and then an adult. So I'll take my tiny 12 lb 6 month old, thank you very much! 

Still though, I can't believe she's already 6 months old. We've known her for almost 4 months already. The memories of our trip are all still so fresh in my mind that it feels like yesterday. How can we be here already?

Aviannah is just the most fantastic baby. I can't even believe how she's blessed us already. She is SO happy, except when she's not, which is not all that often. But when she's happy, she's HAPPY. She's not a serious baby at all. If anyone even looks in her directions, she gives them the biggest smile you've ever seen. I love watching people's reactions to her smile. She knows she's cute, that girl!

She started rolling over from tummy to back a couple of months ago and hasn't yet figured out back to tummy but she is so close. She hates tummy time now and if I put her on her tummy, she either immediately flips to her back or throws her head down and cries until I take pity on her and roll her back over. What a drama queen!

This past month has been my favorite so far because she started sleeping through the night! GLORY HALLELUJAH AMEN. She has been consistently doing 9-10 hours for a few weeks now. We are all happier because of it. She's put herself on a nice daytime schedule as well. She usually wakes to eat at 6 or 7, goes back to sleep till 10, naps at noon for a good 2 hours or more, naps again around suppertime and then goes to bed at 9. I didn't force a schedule on her at all, she just fell into one all by herself. 

She is eating 3-4oz every 3 hours and is still on a high calorie formula until she starts getting "too fat" (doctor's words). She is definitely not fat yet, although her leg rolls are coming along nicely and she's got cute little indents on her wrists :) The doctor said to wait one more month before starting her on solids, as her adjusted age is a month behind her actual age. I am so excited for that! She just started wearing 3-6 month clothes and is in stage 2 diapers. I packed away her 0-3 month stuff and it was harder then I thought! Mostly because she had some super cute stuff she only wore once. That's how it goes I guess!

Her hair is also starting to come in! It's funny, because looking back on her hospital pictures she actually had a decent amount of hair, but it somehow fell all out and it's just now coming back in again very blonde. The top of her head is fuzzy and I can even make some hairs stand up! 

Things Avi likes: bathtime (she squeals with joy the entire time), watching Cassidy, sleeping on Mommy or Daddy, any kind of attention, the jolly jumper, chewing on her hands, being naked (with a diaper on, of course).

Things Avi dislikes: her carseat, a non-moving vehicle, having to wait for her bottle, tummy time, her swing (she used to love it, but not anymore), anything on her head, loud noises

One really sweet thing she does that I want to remember is every time I feed her, she grabs onto one of my fingers and holds it the entire time. If I pull my hand away for any reason, 
she stops eating, searches for my finger and won't start eating again until she's got it firm in her little hand. It's so sweet, although she may never learn to hold her own bottle!

She also knows how to wave, kind of. If we wave at her she either waves her arm wildly back at us or does a little finger wave. She is at risk for developmental delays but I don't see any of that now. We see the neurologist next week so it will be interesting to see what he has to say!

Happy 6 months baby girl! We sure do love you!

Sweet Child O' Mine

I've heard the comment a few times now that "I don't know if I could adopt because I'm afraid the child wouldn't feel like mine." It's a valid fear. I used to feel the same way. When I first learned I couldn't have kids, I remember sobbing to my mom that I didn't want to adopt, I wanted my own kids. Adopted kids were different, in my naive, 17 year old mind.

Now I know that I was wrong, and I try to tell people that they are wrong too, that blood doesn't matter, how often times I forget that my children don't share my DNA and how those fears fly out the window the second you lay eyes on your child, YOUR child, but I think that unless someone themself adopts, they'll never fully understand how deeply you can fall for a child that isn't "yours." 

It wasn't instant with Cassidy. From the first moment I saw her, I thought she was breathtakingly beautiful and I wanted her, OH I wanted her, but I think I didn't let myself get my hopes up because when we met her we weren't even sure that she would get to come live with us. Only later that evening did we find out that her birth mom had made the decision to give Cassidy to us. We saw her a few more times before she came home for good, but even then I was cautious, even though everything was progressing smoothly. It wasn't until the day we went to pick her up. I remember it like it was yesterday. We had buckled her into her little seat to head home and we had just turned onto Circle Drive and I looked in the rear-view mirror and caught my breath, because I could see a little dark haired head back there. I remember looking at John with wide eyes and saying something like how I couldn't believe this was real, that we were taking her home and we wouldn't have to take her back. Something inside me took over and all of a sudden, she was my baby. It felt as normal as if we were driving home from the hospital with a tiny newborn that I had just birthed. 

It was different with Aviannah. We knew right from that very first phone call that she would be ours. Everything was very cut and dry that way. And it just about killed me, because all of a sudden, I had another baby, a very real and alive baby far away from me, and I wasn't there with her. I remember feeling in shock, like my brain had just gone through some sort of trauma, because one day I was a mother of one and the next I was a mother of two, yet I only had one of my babies with me. There really aren't words to describe it, but it was the same shift that took over when I looked at Cassidy the day we took her home. My heart literally felt broken and incomplete until we were there with Aviannah. I remember how the nurse scooped her up and put her in my arms and how in that moment, my heart was healed again, because we were together. Because she was my baby. 

I don't think I've ever shared this story, but it's my favorite from Aviannah's adoption and it brings tears to my eyes every time. When she was still in the hospital, the social worker would stop by frequently to ask how we were doing and just to chat. One day she was telling me about when they finally knew that we were coming. It took the birth mother awhile to choose a family, so everyone was very excited when she finally did. The social worker said that Aviannah was always very sleepy and they never saw her awake much. She had gone over to Avi's bed and Avi was sleeping and she whispered to her "Your mom and dad are coming for you!" As soon as those words left her mouth, Aviannah's eyes flew open. The social worker said she'd never seen her open her eyes so wide before. "It was like she knew what I said!" she told me. As I think back on it, I think she did know. Just as God was preparing our hearts for her, He was preparing her little heart for us. She was waiting for us, just as we were waiting for her.

I still often look at the girls and think "How did I get so lucky that you get to be mine?" I can't comprehend how even though they were born to somebody else, I get to be their mother. It reminds me of my favorite adoption quote: 
"A child born to another woman calls me Mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." 

I don't know what it feels like to be a mother to a child who grew inside of me and who shares my genes, but I can't imagine that I would feel any different towards that child then I do to my girls. They are, in every way, my children and I blessed to know them.