***Disclaimer*** This post is more for my sake then anyone else's. I love writing. Writing is healing for me. It helps me see things more clearly. That's why I'm writing this. But if you find you can relate to what I'm saying, please let me know! It's a good feeling to know that I'm not alone!
God's been doing some crazy things to my heart lately.
I think He's been doing this for a while now, but I only started recognizing it a couple of weeks ago. During Thanksgiving weekend our church had it's annual missions conference. We went Friday night, missed Saturday night and went again Sunday morning. I'm still trying to process that weekend. The words the speaker shared were powerful, convicting, and hard to here. They were straight from the mouth of God,
We were challenged to love our neighbors better, to be seeking out the lost and to be seeking out God.
I struggle with the seeking out God part. God and I have been on a crazy journey together and I love Him with all of my being but I really struggle with picking up my Bible. It's always been hard for me. I never seem to know what I should read and most of the time I feel like I'm just reading it because I know I should and if I make it through my daily reading, I'll be good to go for the rest of the day. I know it's not supposed to be like this. And it's not always like that, but 90% of the time it is. I feel like a failure. I feel like I let God down most days.
I also struggle with the loving my neighbor part. I'm a stay at home mom and I don't get a lot of interaction with people over 3 feet tall. It's mostly just me and Cassidy, all day long. I miss being out in the workforce where I can live out my faith in a tangible way and maybe even strike up a conversation with someone about it. I feel like I'm failing at loving my neighbor. Yet lately God's been showing me that right now, in this moment, my job is to be showing His love to Cassidy. So I'm pouring my everything into that right now, praying with all that I am that one day she'll make the decision to accept Christ as her Savior.
I used to be pretty content in my walk with God. I knew I wasn't perfect, but I went to church and I didn't swear and I was nice to people and I prayed. I knew what God did for me and I was thankful. I still do all these things but I don't feel content, per say. I've been feeling a great burden in my heart for those that don't know Jesus. I've been downright saddened by comments on Facebook that people have made, such as "I'm going to hell anyway, may as well enjoy the ride," or just other bitter comments that make it very obvious they are hurting and angry at God, or that they just want nothing to do with Him whatsoever. This has been literally breaking my heart lately and since Thanksgiving weekend I've realized that God is changing something in me. I always pray to me more like Jesus, and I think He's been answering my prayers without me being fully aware of it. He's helping me see how He sees the world. He's breaking my heart for what breaks His.
So I'm going to keep on reading my Bible, even when I don't want to. I'm going to keep on praying to be more like Jesus, because I'm an unfinished work. I'm going to keep looking for opportunities to love others and share the gospel with them. And I'm going to keep on keeping on, loving Jesus and looking like Him as best I can. Because even though it's hard sometimes, and even though I feel like I fail on the daily, His grace lifts me up again and sets me back on my feet and says "Keep going. Look to the cross. I am with you. I love you."
So thankful for that marvelous, infinite, matchless grace.
I feel a huge amount of 'God doing something' lately in my life and primarily I've found it terrifying. I opened the Bible one day and realized that it speaks of a different kind of Christianity than I've ever experienced before. Our lives on this earth are for no other purpose - no other purpose - than to bring as many people as we can to Him. We are hear to spread the gospel, period. I remember when we were in high school and the phrase 'Preach the gospel to all the world, and if necessary, use words' was used over and over. But it's not right. It's not Biblical. We need to share the reason for the hope we have (because if we count on our 'niceness', most of us are screwed - I know a lot of atheists who are much 'nicer' than I know how to be, but that's not the point.) We are saved by grace, but we need to talk about it. I've been thinking more about my legacy to my daughters, and it's not just about THEM accepting Christ, it's about creating disciples who will share the gospel also. That's why they were given to me - for His sake, not mine. And that scares me. It's heavy, and it demands a lot... Because firstly, if my daughters are going to grow up sharing the gospel, they need to see me do it first. I need to be spreading the good news, and doing 'for the least of these', or how will they ever take my faith seriously? I keep thinking about this, and true to form, Satan has stepped over what God has been trying to teach me, and has distracted me from continuing to read the Bible... No doubt what is going on. There's a battle raging. There's my spiritual rant for the day...
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