Why I Think Valentine's Day is Awesome

Let's be honest. Valentine's Day gets a bad rap. Every year around this time my news feed on Facebook starts filling up with anti-Valentine's Day posts, mostly from single people. I get it, I really do. Valentine's Day is completely aimed at couples. It's about love, romance, mushy cards and chocolates. I was single once, remember? I remember looking at the lovey dovey couples around me and wishing I had someone to share that special day with. Now that I do, I still try to be sensitive to those that don't. We've all been there.

**Story: One year at Millar, I received a beautiful bouquet on Valentine's Day. My heart was pounding so hard as I opened the card and wondered if there actually was a guy that had noticed me and sent me flowers. Um, yeah. They were from my parents. Sorry Mom and Dad, but it was kind of a let-down!**

This is my 2nd Valentine's day as a parent and I must say that I have never appreciated it more as I do now. Now, all of a sudden, Valentine's Day becomes a reason to go out on a date. And, as you parents know, once you become parents that just doesn't happen as much anymore! When we were dating, every time we were together was considered "a date." Newly married, we tried to make a habit of going out on a date once a week. Then along came baby, and all of a sudden we were lucky if we could manage once a month. And that's why I think Valentine's Day is awesome. If nothing else, it's an excuse to go out on a date. I don't care any more if I get flowers or candy, or a mushy card. If I can get an evening away with no kid in tow, that is the best Valentine's Day ever in my mind!

*Disclaimer: I love my kid. But you know how it is!

Tell Your Story

I have a vivid memory from my pre-teen years. I don't remember my exact age, probably around 11 or 12. I remember being in our church looking at the bulletin board and seeing a poster. The picture on the poster was of a woman huddled up in a corner with the saddest look in her eyes. It was a poster for infertility. It stated a statistic of the percentage of woman who suffered from infertility and a number to call for help. I remember thinking it was an awfully high number and that I was so glad that that woman wasn't me.

Fast forward 4-5 years. That woman was me. 

Never in my wildest dreams would I, at the impressionable age of 12, have imagined that the woman in the poster would become me. That her story would become my story. When I first found out, I was in shock (obviously) and then I very quickly withdrew. I chose not to talk about it. I chose to suffer in silence. Every night for months I cried alone to God, because I felt that He was the only one I could talk to. As far as I could see, no one else was going through what I was going through, and therefore no one else could understand the intensity of my pain. I'm not trying to say that God wasn't enough. He was and He is. But I honestly believed that I was alone, humanly speaking. I didn't talk about it with my parents or my friends. That summer was unbearable for me. I lost myself in a hole so deep that I couldn't see the light any more. 

That fall I went to Millar and it was there that I first told my story. Each student is paired up with a mentor for the year. The first year students got third year mentors. My mentor happened to also be my hall leader and we hit it off from the very beginning. She stood with me in the parking lot as I watched my parents drive away on that very first day, trying to hold back the tears. I remember a couple months into the school year thinking "I need to tell her. I need to tell her." I was literally drowning. I had pressed it down so deep that it was consuming me. I felt like if I didn't tell someone I would burst. And yet, telling someone absolutely terrified me. I was scared of what they would say. I was scared that I would come across as weak and someone to pity. Eventually it got to the point where I just didn't care any more. I knew I would be a mess. I couldn't even bring it to mind without bursting into tears. I was still extremely fragile. I remember picking the time I was going to tell her and feeling sorry for what I was about to put her through! 

I barely squeaked out the words "Can I tell you something?" before bursting into tears. I blubbered my way through the rest of my story and she just sat and listened. I don't even remember what she said. I do remember that she held me and let me cry. And I remember that right there, in that small dorm room, healing began.

I am so different now. I don't like to think back and remember those days but when I do, I never fail to be completely amazed at where God brought me from. After I told my mentor, I began to tell others. Close friends at first, people I knew I could trust, then I started talking about it with my family, to the point where it even came up in conversation sometimes. I have another vivid memory of sitting in a restaurant with my mom, my sister and my aunt. We started talking about how funny it would be if my mom were to be a surrogate for me and how she could write a book and would call it something like "I'm Pregnant with my Grandchild," and we were laughing! All out, tears flowing down our face, laughing! This was the first time since that day in April when my world came crashing down, that I was able to talk about it without crying, and that I could actually LAUGH about it! I remember thinking right there "Someday, I'm going to be able to use this story as a testimony of God's goodness."

2 years ago I shared my story publicly for the first time. I stood up in front of a packed church and I cried as I shared things that not many people knew. Even my parents heard pieces of the story they had never heard before. I made myself vulnerable because I knew how telling my story brought about healing. I saw how God used the experience to draw me closer to Him and I wanted to bring Him glory by sharing it with others. I wanted other to know that they were not alone. 

Since I've started telling my story, I've seen something miraculous happen. I would get emails from friends, or from acquaintances who would share with me that they too were going through the journey of infertility. Sometimes friends would email and tell me that they had a friend struggling, and would ask if I would talk to them. And I realized, for the first time, that I wasn't alone. There were other women out there, hurting just like I hurt. And I knew that I had to keep telling my story, for them. To help them, to encourage them, to let them know that they were not alone. 

So tell your story. We all have one. Tell it, for you never know how it might help someone else. Someone could be going through something that you've already gone through. Give them hope. Because you never know, a day might come when you feel alone, like no one else understands. And that's when someone might tell you their story.

It's the Little Things

Lately it's felt like life has been put on hold. It seems like everything is hinged on the phrase "when the adoption is over." Especially things involving money.

I'm not a big spender. Never have been. We never had a lot of money growing up and I was taught to be smart with the money I did have. This has carried into my adulthood. I go clothes shopping for myself once in a blue moon. I find unless I can get something for a good deal, I don't want to spend the money on it. That being said, we do like to spend money on outings, as a family or just John and I. We like to treat ourselves once and a while. Since we've been saving for the adoption though, we've made ourselves cut back and only spend money on the necessities (groceries, gas, you know, the FUN stuff).

Especially lately, this has been hard. My parents and brother are leaving in a few weeks to go to Belize to visit my sister. If we were not saving for the adoption, we would be going too. I am sad about this. Of course, I want a baby more, but I am sad to be missing out on the memories they will be making (and the hot weather). Plus I just miss my sister.

I feel bad saying this stuff. I am beyond grateful that God has led us to adopt again and that we are in a place where we ARE able to put money away towards it. I know how blessed we are. Especially today.

Lately God has been bringing little things into our lives to help us lighten the load. Last week a man in our church received a $100 grocery card as a gift, and he passed it on to us. My sister-in-law was cleaning out her freezer and had more hamburger meat then they knew what to do with, so she gave a bunch to us. I have so appreciated all of these gestures. I've realized that some people can't give straight out of their pockets, but helping in ways like this is just as good! Today we received another very special blessing! Our youth pastor has a ski trip planned for this Sat for the youth and anyone else who wanted to join. We so badly wanted to go, and it wasn't even going to cost that much. We talked it over and decided as much as we wanted to, we should just say no this time. Today we were approached by a lady in church who asked us if we liked to ski. I said yes, and she said she wanted to pay for us to go skiing this Saturday.

I cried right there. It's not like this ski trip was a once in a life time opportunity, but it was something that I thought would be fun and I truly believe that God likes to give us gifts to make us happy. He used this person to give us a wonderful gift. It made my day and now I'm really looking forward to Saturday!

So I guess I'm trying to say thank you. Thank you for lightening the load for us. Thank you for praying for us and for our baby. Thank you for being the body of Christ to us in a real way.

Finally...an update!

Every day I check our email hoping for an update! I figured today might be the day, since it's been exactly a month since we've been waiting. And lo and behold! An update from our agency! (Seriously, I love them.)

Our profile has been presented once this month and they are hoping to have some new birth parents in soon so we can be presented again, was the word I received. I honestly didn't know what to expect, but hey! One family has looked at our profile! That's pretty exciting!

We had a joint fundraiser with two other adopting couples last Friday and it was a great success! We didn't have as big a turnout as we were hoping, but we got a lot of silent auction items and people were very generous with the offering. We each made $800. It's hard when you need such a huge sum of money and you put so much effort into fundraising and come out with just a small chunk each time, but John reminded me before the evening started that it's more money then we had at the beginning of the night. So true! It was a great evening where God was worshipped and really, how can we ask for more then that? 

I honestly believe that if this adoption is God's will for us, the money will come. He will provide. He has been so faithful to us and we must be faithful to Him in return. 

I can't believe we've already been waiting for a month. That flew by! I already can't wait to hear what this next month has in store for us! 

Moments Like These

Cassidy has always been a stellar napper. She's two months shy of 3 years old and she still takes a 2 hour nap everyday. She has always been good at putting herself to sleep but lately she's been having some trouble going to sleep on her own.Thankfully it didn't take long to find a solution to the problem. I leave her alone for about 30-45 minutes and if she is still not asleep, I go in, kneel beside her bed and gently rub her stomach and sing Jesus Loves Me to her, over and over, until she falls asleep. It works like a charm, every time.

And I love it.

I love that she wants me to sing to her  
I love that her favorite song is about how much Jesus loves her.
I love that when I start to sing, she lays completely still and just stares at me.
I love watching her try so hard to keep her eyes open so she can keep looking at me, but slowly and surely they grow heavier and heavier until they close.
I love watching her after she's fallen asleep, seeing her mouth twitch into a smile and wonder what she's dreaming about.
I love those quiet moments in the dark, where I'm forced to be still and just be with her.
I love the most that in those quiet moments, she still seems like my baby and not the big girl she is growing into, much too fast for my liking.

Like everything else in life, these moments in her room, just me and her, will surely come to an end. So I'm going to enjoy them while I can. And even though she won't remember them, I always will.

I Take It Back

So we've officially been on the waiting list since the end of December. Almost a month now. I remember back when we were up to our necks in paperwork and I kept thinking "I can't wait until we're on the wait list. Just waiting will be so much easier then filling out what seems like all the forms in the world."

I take it back.

My dear husband told me the other day that I am the most impatient person he knows. While I think this may be a teensy bit of an exaggeration, it's probably not far from the truth. I've never been good at anything involving patience. And this? Waiting for a phone call telling us that someone out there wants to give us their baby? Um yeah. This involves more patience then has ever been required of me. But that's the beauty of Christ. He takes us through situations that He knows we can't handle on our own, then through our weakness we become strong through His strength, His power. 

**Disclaimer: If you call me on the phone and I sound a tiny bit disappointed, please don't be offended. I love getting phone calls, but every time the phone rings I can't help wonder if it's THE ONE!

It really does feel nice that right now, nothing is required of us. We have no forms to send in, no payments to make, no nothing. It's funny because up until a few weeks ago, I was communicating with our agency almost daily, at least 3 times a week and since we've been on the wait list, there's really been nothing to discuss so I haven't talked to them in 2 weeks and it feels like forever! We should be getting an update on who's been viewing our profile in a couple weeks and I can't wait for that! 

I keep telling myself that a month is a very short amount of time, and I never expected that we would hear anything in a month. I'm hoping by summer we'll at least have a date set, but even then I'm trying not to get my hopes up. It doesn't help that every. single. day. Cassidy asks me if we're getting our baby today. She knows we have to go on a trip to pick it up and this morning she told me "Mom, Daddy's at work but we can take Auntie Leesa's car to go get our baby!" (We're storing my sister's car in our garage while she's in Belize). Thankfully I just have to tell her that we're not getting the baby today and she is satisfied with that answer. 

I didn't really have a point to this post, but it feels good to get my feelings out into words and I know many people who appreciate me keeping them in the loop. I am just appreciative of anyone who reads my ramblings! So yes, nothing new to report right now. I am already dreaming of the day when I get to tell you all when our baby is due! 

No Turning Back

"I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back,  no turning back"
...Ok, yes that is true but the words in my head go something more like this: 
"Oh we have sent down our very first payment, no turning back, no turning back!"

Up until now in this whole adoption process, we haven't put a whole lot of money into it. There's been small fees for pieces needed for our home study, ordering and sending our books, yada yada, but that's all been costs we've been able to pay for out of our main bank account, not our savings, where all the money we've been fundraising and getting as gifts for our adoption has been going.

But NO MORE!

Today I wired down our first official payment. OOOH! This payment is actually one of the smaller installments but it was big enough that we had to dip into our savings. All of a sudden, this all feels very real. We have actually invested a good chunk of money into this adoption. Money that we have worked hard to raise and that others have generously given out of their own pockets. BUT! It's going to be worth it! Oh, is it ever going to be worth it!!

I have to say that so far I am super impressed with the agency we've chosen. Choosing an agency was actually the most stressful part of this entire process (to date). I talked to a lot of different people, researched online, got references from other people and we prayed hard that God would lead us to the right agency. What an amazing answer to prayer! I was nervous when we decided to go with Premier Adoption because no one else in SK had ever worked with them. They were super excited to take us on board and expand their clientele and from the first conversation I had with them, I just felt like it was right and so far it has been! 
We do most of our communicating through email and I am always blown away at how quick they are to respond to my emails. I will usually get a response either hours later, or early the next morning. The one time I had to wait 3 days, they apologized profusely. They are always eager to answer my many questions and the biggest thing I like about them is, even though we've never met in person, they seem genuinely excited for us. We're not just another client, but they really seem to care about our situation. 

We got an email from the caseworker assigned to our case the other day. Now that our profile is active, she will be contacting us monthly to keep us up to date on who's been viewing our profile and if there's any change we should make or things like that. We are also on the website! There is a page of all the waiting families for birth mothers to view and we are right at the top! First thing they see! 

I'm just full of excitement these days! Every once and a while I'll stop and think "I wonder if someone is looking at our book right now!" That is an incredible thought. Right now, as I type these words, someone could be choosing us for their baby!! Please continue to pray for us as we wait, that we would have patience and that the right family would be led to us. Also keep praying for our finances to come in. We're over half way there but still have a ways to go. 

As always, thanks for reading! 

P.S. Cassidy is very aware that we are raising money to get a baby and most of the bank tellers now know her by name. Today I told her we were making a trip to the bank (3rd one this week) and she says "Yay!! We get to buy our baby today!" She's going to be so confused when she learns where babies really come from! But for now, if she wants to think we buy them at the bank, I'm gonna let her! Ah, sweet innocence...