Our Journey to Cassidy (Part 1)

I always get really nostalgic this time of year, and it's not for the reason you think. From the end of November to the end of December in the year 2011 was the whirlwind month where we went from finding out we were going to become parents to actually becoming parents! As I was reminiscing about that time, I realized I have never shared Cassidy's adoption story on this blog. I started this blog to chronicle our 2nd adoption journey, and I have briefly touched on aspects of our 1st adoption, but never in detail. I did write a note summarizing the story on Facebook as it was unfolding, but there's so much more I could say now. I figured maybe you'll enjoy the read, but at the very least I will have it written down for one day when the details aren't so clear in my brain (I still feel like it was yesterday. Maybe I'll always feel that way.) I love Cassidy's story. It's so different in every way from Aviannah's, and yet it's so obvious in both their stories how God orchestrated every single step. I'll never get over it.

So...I guess her story goes back to our wedding day, November 13, 2010. We both had previously discussed that we wanted to get started on the adoption process as soon as we were married. We had no idea where, what, when, how to even begin but the one thing we fully expected was that it was going to take a LONG time. We waited until the honeymoon and the business of the Christmas season was over, then in January we started researching. I immediately became utterly overwhelmed as I looked into different countries, prices, agencies, etc. At this point I didn't have a network of other adoptive parents to tap into for advice so I felt completely on my own and lost. We made an appointment at the Adoption Support Centre of Saskatchewan (in Saskatoon). This appointment was the a huge help for us. She explained about private, domestic and international adoption and gave us many different options and encouragement! I specifically remember her talking about private adoption, and that sometimes an adoption happens by way of word of mouth. A pregnant woman may hear about a couple looking through adopt, and is able to, with the help of lawyers and social services, give her baby to them without the baby having to go in the system. She told us not to get our hopes up, that that scenario is extremely rare and almost never happens. (cue foreshadowing!)

So we left that meeting and immediately applied with the Ministry of Social Services to be put on the list to adopt domestically through the gov't of Saskatchewan. We requested 1 and under and were told that this could take 10+ years or might never happen because most people request that age bracket. (We are still on the list, and nope, haven't heard a thing in almost 5 years). But we applied anyway, trusting that if this was the means to our child, God would make that happen. In February we got an email saying we were officially on the list. Easy peasy! I have to also interject here that we had a rough first year of marriage, and that's putting it lightly. Bringing children into our at that time very fragile marriage was the last thing either of us wanted, but we still wanted to be proactive in the hopes that things would get better with our marriage (which they very much did!) 

In March of 2011, something interesting came up. John's parents went out with a couple that they used to attend church with. They hadn't really seen much of each other and were getting together to catch up. (I hope that's correct, that's how I remember it but correct me if I'm wrong, because I know you both are reading this!) John and I came up in conversation and they mentioned how we were newly married, and also how we planned to adopt. This couple then told John's parents that their daughter was pregnant and was looking to give up her baby for adoption. They asked if they could give her our names. John's mom called me that night and after talking about it, we agreed. I was excited, John was not. He was not ready and in hindsight, neither was I but who was I to say no to a baby? I felt that this was something we could not pass up. We both assumed she was newly pregnant and we'd have some time to prepare if she chose us. Well, we were wrong! She was due that month. We didn't hear a thing about it again until after the baby was born and we learned that it was a girl and that her birth mother decided to keep her after all. Honestly, we were both relieved. We were not ready and this was best. I do remember still feeling a twinge of disappointment and I recall very vividly driving to work the next day after hearing the news and praying that this baby girl would be loved, no matter what. That whoever she ended up with would provide her with all the love and care she deserved. I didn't even know her name. 

Life went on. Our marriage slowly started improving. We enjoyed a lovely summer together in which we sold our trailer in Osler and bought a house in Warman. We loved our new-to-us home with 4 bedrooms and a park right outside our back fence. Perfect for starting a family! In August we again heard some news regarding Baby Girl (you know, the one mentioned above?) Apparently her birth mother had decided to move to Regina and had left the baby, now 5 months old, with her grandparents in Saskatoon (different set of grandparents then the friends of John's parents). These grandparents had actually been pretty much raising the baby at that point anyway. We learned that the other set of grandparents (John's parents friends) were pushing their daughter to give her baby up for adoption, as it seemed she wasn't ready to parent her child at that point. Again, our names were brought up to her. At this point, I felt much better about it. We had a much more child friendly home and were a bit more stable then 5 months ago. John still wasn't ready and I knew we both had to be on the same page. By God's grace, again nothing came of that initial conversation. We moved on. Again. 

November came and we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary! One week later exactly, on November 20, John's mom phoned us. She said that Sylvia (her friend and baby's grandmother) was wanting to speak with us. I said that was fine, and later that evening Sylvia phoned. Unlike the other phone calls, this one changed our life. She told us that their daughter had finally made a decision and was ready to give her baby girl up for adoption. She was still living in Regina, and baby girl was still in Saskatoon and she wanted to meet with us the following weekend. John and I said that yes, we would meet with her. We hung up the phone and I remember my very first thought being "What is he thinking?" I looked at him and saw something different in his eyes then the two previous times this baby girl had been mentioned to us. Was it...excitement? Hope? Was I just seeing what I wanted to see? I asked him what he thought. "Yes," he said. I started shaking and we both dropped to our knees and prayed right there. He told me after we finished praying that he had asked God at one point for a year of marriage before any children came along. Remember the date I mentioned earlier? This phone call came one week after our first anniversary. I don't believe in coincidences. 

Part 2 coming soon...

Bye Bye Summertime

It`s been 3 months since I've been on the blog. Definitely not intentional, and I don`t know if I'll pick it up at all. When I started I was writing more for you then me, to keep you updated on our adoption journey. Now I'm writing more for me then you, so I can look back here later and be reminded of what life looked like then. I suck at keeping a journal and typing is WAY better, faster, and neater then writing so this blog is my journal, I guess!

Summer 2015 is over! It was awesome and I really do feel like I made every moment count. Summer is my favorite season and I always find myself in a period of mourning when it's over, but I don't this year! Believe it or not, I am looking forward to fall. I went through both girls clothes yesterday and traded summer clothes for fall clothes and it made me almost giddy, thinking about cozy oversized sweaters, boots and scarves. You will NEVER find me wishing for winter though. I hope we get a nice long fall this year.

This summer was absolutely wonderful! My favorite thing about summer this year was the free evenings. During the school year I teach piano Wednesday and Thursday nights and Tuesday night is worship team practice at church. Mondays and Fridays we intentionally leave open but they always fill up too. Our church doesn't run worship teams through the summer and I don't teach then, so that left all our evenings open and it. was. glorious. Every night after supper John and I would be like "So what are we doing tonight?" That we even had that option was so refreshing for me! Next week both worship teams and piano starts up again so this is my last week of freedom and I am making it count! 

Some highlights from this summer:

-My sister, some friends and I did a 5K at the beginning of July. It wasn't your typical run, it was chalk full of obstacles and foam! It was called Foam Fest and it was SO much fun! I am not a runner at all, so this was perfect for me, as there was an obstacle every 100 feet or so and we just enjoyed it as a group and didn't worry about doing it fast. Definitely doing it again next year!

-I was a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding at the end of July. She lives in Manitoba so I was out two weekends in a row, for the bachelorette, then we all drove out for the wedding. I so enjoyed the wedding weekend, especially the night before when us girls spent the night at her place. We've lived apart for a few years now and I've missed her so much and being able to spend time talking face to face was wonderful! The wedding was beautiful, the weather was HOT and I never danced so hard in my life! 

- During August long weekend we went to a nearby beach for the day. We never did do an overnight camping trip this year, so we figured we needed to squeeze at least one day in at the beach. It was the perfect day for it and the girls had so much fun in the water and the sand. 

- I directed VBS for the third year at our church mid-August and it was a blast! That week was also a scorcher and our church has no air conditioning but we all survived, no one got sick, and we had a great turnout. I'm especially excited because my parents invited their neighbor's son (non Christian family) who came and had a great time, and his family has been in church every Sunday since then! My biggest goal was to reach the community and even that one family coming has made it all worth it!

-And the BIGGEST highlight of the summer came at the end! John and I will be celebrating 5 years of marriage in November (what?) so we wanted to do a special trip. We decided to go to Banff during the summer, when the weather would be nicer. I've never been and John hasn't since he was a kid so we were both excited! We left the girls with my parents for the first chunk and John's parents for the last day. We were gone 5 days which is the longest we've ever left either of them, so I was definitely nervous but they did so awesome and we had the best time. We hiked and ate and walked and ate and spelunked (highlight!) and biked and ate and shopped and slept and it was just wonderful! We also got along so well and didn't argue the whole week! Not that we argue a lot anyway, but I was impressed with how well we got along. We talked about our honeymoon and where we were then and now and we really have changed alot in 5 short years. It really does get better every year and I'm so thankful that I have such an amazing husband to do life with!

So that was summer! Now it's fall, and along with that comes more change! Cassidy starts preschool next week (2 afternoons a week) just down the street from our house. Tomorrow morning we go to meet her teacher. She is ecstatic about it and I am too! I'm pretty sure I won't cry on that first day, but I guess we'll see! I can't wait to see her grow and flourish over this next year! Avi is THIS close to walking (she's been taking a few steps today) so I have no doubt she'll soon be busier then ever. Levi comes two days a week and he is so much fun to have around. Leesa has been living with us for a year and is starting her 2nd year of university. She is such a big help to have around. I'm kinda hoping she'll stay forever! (mmkay sister?) 

That was a big update, but that's where we are now! Who knows when I'll get around to blogging again, so thanks for reading and see you when I see you!

Little of This, Little of That

I've decided that I'm not that great at this whole blogging thing. It was easier when I had something to blog about (ie: adoption process) but even though that's done I still want to make sure I'm posting periodically. Especially for those that are interested in following our daily goings on but that I don't see on a regular basis. One of our caseworkers from our agency, who was basically Aviannah's second mom until we got there, keeps in touch via this blog which I think is so cool! 

I am just so in love with life right now. I feel like it's never been better, and I'm not trying to sound braggy. Actually I wake up every day feeling so humbled and undeserving of this beautiful life God has blessed me with. Having to fight so hard for my children has made me more aware of how amazing it is that they are actually here and that is sure a blessing in disguise, especially on those days when they are driving me CRAZY! (yes, those sweet faces are not all that innocent!)

I think the weather has greatly improved my mood of late. It feels like we've already had one month of summer and it's not even June yet! I love that all we need to get out the door is shoes. No jackets, no snowsuits, no mitts and toques and scarves. It's glorious! 

Our back gate goes directly out to a park, which I can see from the kitchen window. It's practically our backyard. Cassidy calls it "our park". John even oils the swings and waxes the very slow slide! This year I've started to let Cassidy play at the park by herself. Often she wants to go out but I can't leave the house because Avi is napping so I open the back gate, leave it open, go over a few rules and she's good to go! It's been absolutely wonderful. There are always other kids playing there so she gets to go and make friends and I get some time to do housework or relax inside with a sleeping baby. Bliss! The first few times I was super nervous but she does so well and has followed our instructions to the letter. Actually I'm more worried about someone seeing her by herself and calling CPS on me because apparently that is the thing to do these days. Dumb, isn't it? I refuse to let myself live in fear of what someone else will do and I want her to learn independence and have some freedom so I'm fighting against these fears and doing what I think is best for her (and praying of course. Lots of praying.) She loves it, we love it. Everybody wins!

Speaking of Cassidy, I can't believe how grown up she's getting. She is very proud to be 4 and announces it to anyone and everyone she meets. "Hi, my name is Cassidy and I'm 4!" This girl is not at all shy, which I think is great! I was very shy as a kid (shocker right?) and I always hated being that way. She is so excited to start preschool in the fall and I'm anticipating she will do great! She is a sponge and soaks everything up that she hears. She's taking swimming lessons and I just about burst with pride when I watch her listening so carefully to her teacher and trying everything asked of her, even if it makes her nervous. She's the biggest goof ever and the stuff that comes out of her mouth keeps us laughing constantly. She's also got a big attitude but I've definitely seen her maturing over the past few months and temper tantrums are few and far between these days, thank goodness! She's just the best. Every year gets better and better!

Aviannah is doing great! She finally, for a month now, has started eating good! It has always been a struggle to get her to eat alot, and with her already small size it caused me a great deal of stress. Around the beginning of April we switched from formula to whole milk and she loved it and started drinking twice what she usually did. Along with that, her eating of solid foods greatly improved. Before she would maybe eat 2 meals a day, and not a big amount. Now she's eating at every meal, plus 1 morning snack and a before bed snack. She doesn't always eat alot at a time, but she is a small person so I imagine she gets full pretty fast. She still takes a bottle and I have no plans of weaning her anytime soon. She can drink from a sippy cup but she doesn't prefer too and she still needs to catch up so we let her eat and drink whenever she wants. I know she won't be on the bottle forever and she's getting much needed calories from it right now and that's what's important! She is turning into quite the little person. She speedily gets around by crawling and loves to get into mischief. Whenever we tell her "no" she gives us this impish grin and I can't help but smile, even though I'm trying to be stern. She's cute and she knows it! She has a temper too and doesn't like it when she doesn't get what she wants. She's still addicted to her middle fingers on her right hand. Every time I pull them out of her mouth she gets very mad at me so I'm not worrying about that right now either. I can tell she badly wants to keep up with Cassidy and Levi. I'm guessing in a few more months she'll be walking. 

Just this week I've finally got back into a regular routine of working out. I was doing so good last year, then we got the call and went to Las Vegas, then I had a new baby, then Levi started, and I could just never carve away the time, and honestly, I didn't care to. I'm running a 5K and am a bridesmaid in a wedding, both in July, and I want to get in better shape. I'm being more careful about what I eat and doing my workout when Avi naps in the morning, that way I still get the afternoons when all 3 are resting. It's only been a few days but I'm already finding I have more energy and just all around feel better. It helps that we are not housebound and can actually get outside and go for walks! 

So that's our life lately! Still busy (it's taken me all morning just to get his written) but still happy!

A Hamster Tale

We bought Cassidy a hamster for her birthday. We took her to the pet store and let her pick the one she wanted. She picked a cute brown one and appropriately named her Cinnamon. We set her up in her cage in the kitchen and she happily adjusted to her new home. She was so nice, she let us hold and handle her and she never tried to bite us. Cassidy loved to sit at the cage and talk to her. One night after we were letting Cassidy pet her she didn't latch the door. The next morning she was gone. John heard her under the stove, pulled open the stove drawer and there she was! She had to have fallen off the shelf to get out but she seemed fine. Thankfully Maya was asleep in our room and didn't realize what had happened. About a week later the girls were in bed and John and I were downstairs watching TV when we heard a sudden racket upstairs. John went up to investigate and discovered Maya with Cinnamon in her mouth, shaking her like she was a toy. She dropped her when she saw John and the hamster hobbled to safety under the stove. We got her out. She was bleeding and shaking but still alive. We put her back in her cage and hoped for the best. She stopped eating and just laid in her corner. She seemed to be dying a bit more every day. I felt sick over it. I wanted to put her out of her misery but couldn't bring myself to do it. Last night, 3 days after the attack, Cinnamon died. John disposed of the body, the cage is back in the garage and it's like she never existed. 28 days.   We could only keep her alive for 28 days. Thankfully our track record with kids is better! Also thankfully, Cassidy doesn't seem too upset over it. She's already asking when we can get another one. I think we'll take a break before we attempt that again. Dogs and hamsters don't mix.
RIP Cinnamon.
It was nice knowing you.

Life Lately

I figured it's high time I'd update all 5 of you who read my blog on what we've been up to lately. I'm shaking my head in disbelief that it's already April, the snow is (hopefully) gone and Easter is over. I'm so looking forward to summer and green grass, long walks and late evenings spent at the park.

My grandparents, who spend every winter in Texas came home last week. They always make the rounds and visit my aunt and uncle and cousins in BC first before they get back to Saskatchewan. This time they brought my 18 year old cousin Jen back to stay with us for a few days. We hardly ever get to see them and we had such a great time with her! She flew back this morning and I remembered again how much I hate goodbyes. In a perfect world, I would have all the people I love close to me. Unfortunately that's not very realistic but it does make reunions more special. I think it's so neat how age gaps get smaller the older you get. I'm 9 years older then Jen and I remember when she was born and playing with her as a baby. I remember her and her little sister begging to play with Leesa and I when they were a bit older and how we sometimes got annoyed with them and didn't want them hanging around. And yet now, I feel like we're more on equal ground. We're both adults and have developed a really neat friendship. I'm so thankful that she was able to visit.

On a not so pleasant note, Aviannah is sick again. She got her first bad cold back in December and since then, she's managed to pick up every little bug that passes by. Every time she gets sick she always gets this nasty cough that sounds so awful. Especially after her stint in the hospital in February, I get so nervous anytime I hear that horrible cough. John took her to the walk in yesterday and thankfully her lungs are clear this time and it just seems to be a bad cold. They prescribed her a puffer which will help keep her airway clear. She seems to be slowly on the mend. At least this time she's still eating and drinking. Unfortunately, because of all these colds she hasn't slept through the night since before Christmas (and she was doing it since August before then.) I've heard a few times "Oh, just you wait. One day you'll miss those middle of the night cuddles." I was thinking about that last night at 3:30 as I was rocking her back to sleep and I thought "Maybe some people do, but I sure won't!" I was cold, beyond exhausted and all I could think about was my nice warm bed a a few feet away. John helps with the night shifts which I'm so thankful for. Yesterday I said to him "One day, we will all sleep all night long one night, and then the next night, and then every night after that. It WILL happen!" I think I was trying to convince myself more then anyone else! There's lots that I will miss about the baby stage but being up in the night will NOT be one of them!

The girls both got vaccinated last Wednesday. Neither of them had been weighed or measured in awhile so I was excited to see where they were at. Cassidy, at 4 years, weighs 37 lbs (80th percentile) and is 39 inches (40th percentile). Aviannah, at 1 year, weighs 15 1/2lbs (5th percentile) and is 28 inches (15th percentile). Considering Avi wasn't even on the charts for the first half year of her life, the nurse said she's doing very well. I often worry about her size, especially since she doesn't really seem to enjoy eating and it's all I can do to get a decent amount of food in her sometimes, but the nurse reassured me that she's doing great considering her situation. I think she'll always just be a petite girl and there's nothing wrong with that!

There's so much coming up that I'm looking forward to. One of Cassidy's grandmas paid for swimming lessons as a birthday present and that starts in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to doing that with her. She is also registered for preschool in September. It's just a block over from our house and she'll go 2 afternoons a week. She is so excited and keeps asking when she gets to go. I'm so excited to see how she'll thrive in a school setting. She's always been such a smart girl and loves learning new things and making new friends. Before that though, we have summer to look forward to! In July I'm running in a 5K with a group of friends and my best friend is getting married in Winnipeg. I'm in the wedding and I'm really looking forward to it! In August I'll be directing VBS at our church again and John and I are planning a trip to Bamff to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary (what??) I've never actually stayed in Bamff, just driven through, and I'm so looking forward to it! Hiking, hot springs and enjoying time alone with my husband...sounds divine. 

I hope you all had a great Easter weekend with your loved ones. I was once again brought to tears as I was reminded of the horrible things Jesus endured on the cross, just because he loved us, and I couldn't keep the smile off my face as we celebrated the fact that He didn't stay dead, that He rose again and lives today! Life is worth the living just because He lives!

It's God

Lately I've been feeling thankful for something. Something that I never thought I'd be able to think about without feeling despair, let alone thankfulness. I've been feeling thankful for my infertility.

The other day I was playing with my girls and I was struck with the thought that if I were able to have my own babies, these babies would not be a part of my life, and since then I've been thinking how thankful I am that I wasn't able to have my own babies. To not know Cassidy and Aviannah, to not kiss their sweet faces a million times a day, to not see their smiles or feel their warm hugs, to not be able to celebrate their birthdays and watch them grow right before my eyes are things I can't even fathom. I wouldn't trade them for anything, not even a pregnancy.

This April marks 10 years since I found out I wouldn't be able to have children. That day feels like a lifetime ago and yet I can drag up the memory of that day easily. I don't even recognize that girl anymore. If I could go back in time and tell her that 10 years later she'd be glad and thankful for her infertility, she would've thought I was crazy. And, like anything in my life, all glory goes to God. I am positive that I would not be in this place, feeling this way, without him. It's God who brought me through those first few dark years with tenderness and patience. It's God who heard my many desperate pleas for a child. It's God who gave me the most incredible man as my husband, someone who loved and wanted me despite my "situation." It's God who restored joy in my heart and allowed me to hope again. It's God who changed my heart from being completely against adoption to seeing how completely and utterly redeeming adoption actually is. And it's God who brought my babies home to me. Nature intended them for someone else, God intended them for me.

After we brought Aviannah home, I said "This is it. We're done," all the while knowing that maybe eventually my heart would soften to the idea of adopting again. Not surprisingly, it has. There's a yearning to adopt again growing inside of me. It started small, but it's growing something fierce. Most of my thoughts these days are consumed with the possibility of adding to our family. I've started praying, asking God to show us if there's another child out there for us. John doesn't feel the same way I do and I know I can't even begin to consider it unless we're on the same page so I'll wait and pray and see what happens. If there's anything I've learned in this 10 year journey, it's that God's plans are far better then my own.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl

Today marks one year of life for our little Aviannah. Today marks her very first birthday!

I'm trying so hard to find the words to express how I feel about today and there just aren't words for it. Aviannah is my hero. The mere fact that she's alive is a miracle. Even though I wasn't present when she made her way into the world a year ago, I can't help but imagine what it would've been like. How scared her sweet mother must've been when she realized that the baby was coming, too soon and too fast. How panicked her father must've been when he realized the ambulance wasn't going to make it in time and he was going to have to deliver her. How easy it would've been for them to not call an ambulance, to birth her and then just throw her away and be done with it. Because, really, what were her chances of living anyway? And yet, they chose life. I think about that every day. I think about how those first few days must've been the hardest, must've been when she had to fight the most, fight to breathe and fight to live. I think about the nurses and how they took her in as if she was their own, how they became her stand in parents in a way. I think about one of the social workers from our agency who visited Aviannah on a regular basis, who took time out of her days to just sit and love on her, because she needed that. (We still send this wonderful lady pictures and updates of Avi and like a proud grandma, she shows them off to all her family and friends). I think about how anxious everyone was for Aviannah's mother to pick a family for her to belong to, and how relieved everyone seemed when we finally got there. I remember how the nurses cried when we left. That little baby had wormed her way into their hearts and I know they found it hard to let her go. 

And here we are, at her first birthday! She's a completely different baby then she was then and I'm so thankful for the crazy ways that God has already been at work in her life. It's obvious that He's got great plans for her and I'm just thankful that I get to be along for the ride. 

Here's a glimple of Aviannah at a year:

- she does not sleep through the night anymore, that can change any day now!

- she army crawls like a pro! She knows how to crawl normally but she's so fast at the army crawl that she much prefers that way. 

- she has 4 teeth and is working on some more. Anything and everything goes in the mouth.

- she says "Mama" and "Dada" all the time and babbles constantly. Typical girl!

- she prefers to feed herself with her fingers but will tolerate us putting food in her mouth. Her favorite foods are sweet potatoes, creamed corn, yogurt, prunes, strawberries and squash. 

- she loves it when her big sister gives her the time of day and laughs so easily for her.

- she is not pulling herself up yet (we haven't even had to lower her crib mattress!). She's very content just to watch all the activity around her, although I can tell now that she moves around effortlessly she's more motivated to do things.

- her "soother" is her two middle fingers on her right hand. If she's not getting what she wants right away, the fingers go in. Pretty cute!

- she's got a temper on her. She usually doesn't cry but if she gets offended about something, she lets you know!

- she loves being outside and doesn't even seem to mind the cold.

- she waves hello and bye bye

- she smiles at every single person she sees and everyone in response comments on how big her eyes are!

- she is happy happy happy!

There's probably much more that I could say but that's all I can think of right now. She's just one tiny ball of joy and delight. Every time I pick her up and she smiles at me I feel like the luckiest person in the world. 

Happy Birthday, baby girl!

Here's to many, many more!