It's God

Lately I've been feeling thankful for something. Something that I never thought I'd be able to think about without feeling despair, let alone thankfulness. I've been feeling thankful for my infertility.

The other day I was playing with my girls and I was struck with the thought that if I were able to have my own babies, these babies would not be a part of my life, and since then I've been thinking how thankful I am that I wasn't able to have my own babies. To not know Cassidy and Aviannah, to not kiss their sweet faces a million times a day, to not see their smiles or feel their warm hugs, to not be able to celebrate their birthdays and watch them grow right before my eyes are things I can't even fathom. I wouldn't trade them for anything, not even a pregnancy.

This April marks 10 years since I found out I wouldn't be able to have children. That day feels like a lifetime ago and yet I can drag up the memory of that day easily. I don't even recognize that girl anymore. If I could go back in time and tell her that 10 years later she'd be glad and thankful for her infertility, she would've thought I was crazy. And, like anything in my life, all glory goes to God. I am positive that I would not be in this place, feeling this way, without him. It's God who brought me through those first few dark years with tenderness and patience. It's God who heard my many desperate pleas for a child. It's God who gave me the most incredible man as my husband, someone who loved and wanted me despite my "situation." It's God who restored joy in my heart and allowed me to hope again. It's God who changed my heart from being completely against adoption to seeing how completely and utterly redeeming adoption actually is. And it's God who brought my babies home to me. Nature intended them for someone else, God intended them for me.

After we brought Aviannah home, I said "This is it. We're done," all the while knowing that maybe eventually my heart would soften to the idea of adopting again. Not surprisingly, it has. There's a yearning to adopt again growing inside of me. It started small, but it's growing something fierce. Most of my thoughts these days are consumed with the possibility of adding to our family. I've started praying, asking God to show us if there's another child out there for us. John doesn't feel the same way I do and I know I can't even begin to consider it unless we're on the same page so I'll wait and pray and see what happens. If there's anything I've learned in this 10 year journey, it's that God's plans are far better then my own.