Life Lately

I figured it's high time I'd update all 5 of you who read my blog on what we've been up to lately. I'm shaking my head in disbelief that it's already April, the snow is (hopefully) gone and Easter is over. I'm so looking forward to summer and green grass, long walks and late evenings spent at the park.

My grandparents, who spend every winter in Texas came home last week. They always make the rounds and visit my aunt and uncle and cousins in BC first before they get back to Saskatchewan. This time they brought my 18 year old cousin Jen back to stay with us for a few days. We hardly ever get to see them and we had such a great time with her! She flew back this morning and I remembered again how much I hate goodbyes. In a perfect world, I would have all the people I love close to me. Unfortunately that's not very realistic but it does make reunions more special. I think it's so neat how age gaps get smaller the older you get. I'm 9 years older then Jen and I remember when she was born and playing with her as a baby. I remember her and her little sister begging to play with Leesa and I when they were a bit older and how we sometimes got annoyed with them and didn't want them hanging around. And yet now, I feel like we're more on equal ground. We're both adults and have developed a really neat friendship. I'm so thankful that she was able to visit.

On a not so pleasant note, Aviannah is sick again. She got her first bad cold back in December and since then, she's managed to pick up every little bug that passes by. Every time she gets sick she always gets this nasty cough that sounds so awful. Especially after her stint in the hospital in February, I get so nervous anytime I hear that horrible cough. John took her to the walk in yesterday and thankfully her lungs are clear this time and it just seems to be a bad cold. They prescribed her a puffer which will help keep her airway clear. She seems to be slowly on the mend. At least this time she's still eating and drinking. Unfortunately, because of all these colds she hasn't slept through the night since before Christmas (and she was doing it since August before then.) I've heard a few times "Oh, just you wait. One day you'll miss those middle of the night cuddles." I was thinking about that last night at 3:30 as I was rocking her back to sleep and I thought "Maybe some people do, but I sure won't!" I was cold, beyond exhausted and all I could think about was my nice warm bed a a few feet away. John helps with the night shifts which I'm so thankful for. Yesterday I said to him "One day, we will all sleep all night long one night, and then the next night, and then every night after that. It WILL happen!" I think I was trying to convince myself more then anyone else! There's lots that I will miss about the baby stage but being up in the night will NOT be one of them!

The girls both got vaccinated last Wednesday. Neither of them had been weighed or measured in awhile so I was excited to see where they were at. Cassidy, at 4 years, weighs 37 lbs (80th percentile) and is 39 inches (40th percentile). Aviannah, at 1 year, weighs 15 1/2lbs (5th percentile) and is 28 inches (15th percentile). Considering Avi wasn't even on the charts for the first half year of her life, the nurse said she's doing very well. I often worry about her size, especially since she doesn't really seem to enjoy eating and it's all I can do to get a decent amount of food in her sometimes, but the nurse reassured me that she's doing great considering her situation. I think she'll always just be a petite girl and there's nothing wrong with that!

There's so much coming up that I'm looking forward to. One of Cassidy's grandmas paid for swimming lessons as a birthday present and that starts in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to doing that with her. She is also registered for preschool in September. It's just a block over from our house and she'll go 2 afternoons a week. She is so excited and keeps asking when she gets to go. I'm so excited to see how she'll thrive in a school setting. She's always been such a smart girl and loves learning new things and making new friends. Before that though, we have summer to look forward to! In July I'm running in a 5K with a group of friends and my best friend is getting married in Winnipeg. I'm in the wedding and I'm really looking forward to it! In August I'll be directing VBS at our church again and John and I are planning a trip to Bamff to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary (what??) I've never actually stayed in Bamff, just driven through, and I'm so looking forward to it! Hiking, hot springs and enjoying time alone with my husband...sounds divine. 

I hope you all had a great Easter weekend with your loved ones. I was once again brought to tears as I was reminded of the horrible things Jesus endured on the cross, just because he loved us, and I couldn't keep the smile off my face as we celebrated the fact that He didn't stay dead, that He rose again and lives today! Life is worth the living just because He lives!

It's God

Lately I've been feeling thankful for something. Something that I never thought I'd be able to think about without feeling despair, let alone thankfulness. I've been feeling thankful for my infertility.

The other day I was playing with my girls and I was struck with the thought that if I were able to have my own babies, these babies would not be a part of my life, and since then I've been thinking how thankful I am that I wasn't able to have my own babies. To not know Cassidy and Aviannah, to not kiss their sweet faces a million times a day, to not see their smiles or feel their warm hugs, to not be able to celebrate their birthdays and watch them grow right before my eyes are things I can't even fathom. I wouldn't trade them for anything, not even a pregnancy.

This April marks 10 years since I found out I wouldn't be able to have children. That day feels like a lifetime ago and yet I can drag up the memory of that day easily. I don't even recognize that girl anymore. If I could go back in time and tell her that 10 years later she'd be glad and thankful for her infertility, she would've thought I was crazy. And, like anything in my life, all glory goes to God. I am positive that I would not be in this place, feeling this way, without him. It's God who brought me through those first few dark years with tenderness and patience. It's God who heard my many desperate pleas for a child. It's God who gave me the most incredible man as my husband, someone who loved and wanted me despite my "situation." It's God who restored joy in my heart and allowed me to hope again. It's God who changed my heart from being completely against adoption to seeing how completely and utterly redeeming adoption actually is. And it's God who brought my babies home to me. Nature intended them for someone else, God intended them for me.

After we brought Aviannah home, I said "This is it. We're done," all the while knowing that maybe eventually my heart would soften to the idea of adopting again. Not surprisingly, it has. There's a yearning to adopt again growing inside of me. It started small, but it's growing something fierce. Most of my thoughts these days are consumed with the possibility of adding to our family. I've started praying, asking God to show us if there's another child out there for us. John doesn't feel the same way I do and I know I can't even begin to consider it unless we're on the same page so I'll wait and pray and see what happens. If there's anything I've learned in this 10 year journey, it's that God's plans are far better then my own.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl

Today marks one year of life for our little Aviannah. Today marks her very first birthday!

I'm trying so hard to find the words to express how I feel about today and there just aren't words for it. Aviannah is my hero. The mere fact that she's alive is a miracle. Even though I wasn't present when she made her way into the world a year ago, I can't help but imagine what it would've been like. How scared her sweet mother must've been when she realized that the baby was coming, too soon and too fast. How panicked her father must've been when he realized the ambulance wasn't going to make it in time and he was going to have to deliver her. How easy it would've been for them to not call an ambulance, to birth her and then just throw her away and be done with it. Because, really, what were her chances of living anyway? And yet, they chose life. I think about that every day. I think about how those first few days must've been the hardest, must've been when she had to fight the most, fight to breathe and fight to live. I think about the nurses and how they took her in as if she was their own, how they became her stand in parents in a way. I think about one of the social workers from our agency who visited Aviannah on a regular basis, who took time out of her days to just sit and love on her, because she needed that. (We still send this wonderful lady pictures and updates of Avi and like a proud grandma, she shows them off to all her family and friends). I think about how anxious everyone was for Aviannah's mother to pick a family for her to belong to, and how relieved everyone seemed when we finally got there. I remember how the nurses cried when we left. That little baby had wormed her way into their hearts and I know they found it hard to let her go. 

And here we are, at her first birthday! She's a completely different baby then she was then and I'm so thankful for the crazy ways that God has already been at work in her life. It's obvious that He's got great plans for her and I'm just thankful that I get to be along for the ride. 

Here's a glimple of Aviannah at a year:

- she does not sleep through the night anymore, that can change any day now!

- she army crawls like a pro! She knows how to crawl normally but she's so fast at the army crawl that she much prefers that way. 

- she has 4 teeth and is working on some more. Anything and everything goes in the mouth.

- she says "Mama" and "Dada" all the time and babbles constantly. Typical girl!

- she prefers to feed herself with her fingers but will tolerate us putting food in her mouth. Her favorite foods are sweet potatoes, creamed corn, yogurt, prunes, strawberries and squash. 

- she loves it when her big sister gives her the time of day and laughs so easily for her.

- she is not pulling herself up yet (we haven't even had to lower her crib mattress!). She's very content just to watch all the activity around her, although I can tell now that she moves around effortlessly she's more motivated to do things.

- her "soother" is her two middle fingers on her right hand. If she's not getting what she wants right away, the fingers go in. Pretty cute!

- she's got a temper on her. She usually doesn't cry but if she gets offended about something, she lets you know!

- she loves being outside and doesn't even seem to mind the cold.

- she waves hello and bye bye

- she smiles at every single person she sees and everyone in response comments on how big her eyes are!

- she is happy happy happy!

There's probably much more that I could say but that's all I can think of right now. She's just one tiny ball of joy and delight. Every time I pick her up and she smiles at me I feel like the luckiest person in the world. 

Happy Birthday, baby girl!

Here's to many, many more!

Sick!

What a rollar coaster these last 2 weeks have been.

What started as a cold for Aviannah turned into a bad cough. She was diagnosed with a chest infection and inflamed tonsils and we were sent home with antibiotics. Over the next 5 days she did not get better. I was a wreck. We were barely sleeping and I just felt so helpless. She wasn't eating and was losing weight and she was just miserable. I didn't know what else to do for her. I took get back to the doctor on Thursday and this time they tested her oxygen levels which were low. Not low enough that it was noticeable but low enough that she wasn't expelling enough air which can cause problems. The doctor told me he was going to call the hospital and that they would likely send an ambulance for her. As soon as he left, I started crying. Partly because I was scared but mostly because I was so relieved. Finally someone was going to help her in ways that I couldn't.

We rode the ambulance to the ER which was actually pretty cool and waited a few hours in peds ER then she was admitted and we've been here for 2 and a half days now. We're going a bit stir crazy but honestly I'd way rather be here then at home. At least here if something goes wrong she gets ummeadiately attention and since we've been here she's improved a lot! Today she's been more agitated. The nurse comes in every few hours to take her temp (up the bum) and suck snot out of her nose, both of which she hates, so she has started crying everytime she sees them. She does not like her nasal canola and tries to pull it out but she's overall been so good!

John and I have also felt so well taken care of! My parents have been watching Cassidy and today she's going to John's parents for the night. We miss her terribly and we also think she has RSV too. She's been coughing since Wednesday and my mom said yesterday she was running around and then couldn't catch her breath for a few minutes. She keeps asking when we all get to be together again. I wish I could be in two places at once. My parents have also been bringing us food and this morning my dad came to sit with Avi and John and I drove out to Warman to get some more stuff. We got home to find Leesa, who is also sick, cleaning our house from top to bottom! I have not had time to give it a good clean since this awful sickness so that was such a blessing! It will be so nice to go home to a clean house. We've had family visit and countless people letting us know they are praying. We feel so loved. This very much feels like de ja vu from the hospital stay in Vegas, but better because we're home!

The biggest blessing by far though is our room. We have a very private room tucked away in a corner with no windows and a small door. We have a bathroom with a shower, a very comfy couch and a tv. I walked around the ward and checked out the other rooms and they are about half the size of ours with no privacy and many rooms have more then one patient in them. We got lucky to snag this one! We could get kicked out at anytime depending if there's a higher needs kid that comes in so we're enjoying it while we can!

If all goes well we can hopefully go home tomorrow! We love you all and are feeling the prayers!

10 Months

Here I am, posting another monthly update, shaking my head in disbelief. I can't believe our tiny little Aviannah is only 2 months shy of her 1st birthday!

Actually, I think she's very aware of the impending milestone because she sure seems to be determined to grow up these days. She's still not crawling (so close!) or pulling herself up but boy oh boy! I'll get to that in a second.

This month has been absolutely nuts. Christmas season is always busy, plus we had the added business (and bonus!) of working to finalize her adoption. Dec. 18 was the day she became a Letkeman, and ironically enough, it also was the day she decided to get sick. She got a horrible cough that kept getting worse and by the 21st we were so worried that we drove her in to RUH at 1 in the morning (so thankful for Auntie Leesa who stayed behind so we didn't have to drag a sleeping Cassidy in as well). Thankfully it was just viral but it took her quite a while to kick it. She basically didn't eat anything for 2 days which had me super worried but thankfully she liked Pedialyte so we were able to keep her hydrated. She was on the mend by Christmas time but it took a good 2 weeks for her to get back to her normal eating habits. I think this is the reason that she has stopped sleeping through the night. She's eating like a horse lately, and I'm guessing she's going through a growth spurt plus making up for the period that she was sick. Maybe I'm wrong on both accounts, but whatever the case she's not sleeping through the night anymore and it. sucks. Anyway, we survived Christmas and Aviannah survived her cough and we're all doing well now!

Aviannah, like I mentioned before, is determined to grow up. She has just recently started regularly holding her own bottle. She used to do it every once and a while but now she actually PREFERS to feed herself then have us feed her. What?? We have gotten into the habit of giving her a bottle before each nap time and bedtime (we also did that with Cassidy and she grew out of it, so here's hoping Avi will too!) and we're finding she eats way more this way then she did when we would feed her. Sometimes though, I just want to cuddle with her and give her her bottle. She will have none of it! Seriously, it's ridiculous! I tried just today and she fought and squirmed so much that I eventually gave up, laid her down and handed her the bottle and she was happy as could be. She also will not cuddle. She doesn't even sit still on my lap anymore. She is either reaching for something or trying to roll off. This kid does not sit still. If she's on the floor, she's moving. She's mastered using her arms to get her around without having to get her legs up under her and she uses that method or rolling to go where she wants. I can't believe how resistant she is to being held. She prefers to play on the floor then to sit on my lap and play. This change seemed to happen so fast and I'm not ready for it! Good grief, she's still my baby! Where does she get off thinking she doesn't need to sit with Mama anymore? (I am really really glad she's developing so well and enjoys her play, I am. But I miss cuddles.)

Her vocals seem to have exploded over the past month. She babbles constantly and it's the cutest thing! There's been quite a few times where we can tell she's trying to repeat what we're saying! She already says "Mama", "baba" (what we call her bottle) and "hey". I can tell she's trying to say "dada" too. I think we're going to have an early talker. She is a girl, after all!

Her hair is coming in nice, mostly on top. I got it into the tiniest ponytail last night and she didn't seem to mind at all! She still loves solids and is just starting to be able to handle things that aren't pureed. Up until a few days ago she would gag and puke on anything that wasn't baby food, but she's been doing good with little chunks of real food these last couple of days.
She cut her second tooth the other day and now has both bottom teeth. She can also stand unassisted if she has something to hold onto, like the couch or her exersaucer. She's getting really strong. The OT and PT were concerned that she wasn't using her left side as much as her right but just recently I've seen her start using both sides equally. She saw the OT and PT last week and they saw it as well and said that she's making great progress so that's great!

This is definitely my favorite age so far! I love how her personality is coming out more and more and how interactive she is. Seeing her interact with her world and discover new things is my favorite part of parenting. I remember marveling at how wonderful it was to watch Cassidy get so excited over a mud puddle, or a pinecone on the ground, or a plane in the sky. I love seeing the world through a child's eyes. It forces me to stop and appreciate things that I otherwise wouldn't have. I often think back to where Jesus says we must become like little children to enter the kingdom of heaven. I have a better understanding of what He means by that the more I watch my children grow. I love their sweet innocence and childish wonder.

That's all for now! Time for me to start thinking about birthday parties (sniff)

Happy New Year

Hello 2015!

This morning I mentioned on Facebook that this will be the first year since we got married in 2010 that we are not pursuing an adoption of any kind. I've been thinking on that some more and I really can't believe that we've been in the adoption trenches for 4 years!
We got married in November 2010 and finished off that year just being newlyweds and adjusting to marriage. (I still feel like I'm adjusting to marriage, but I also still feel like a newlywed. Guess that's a good thing!)
Janurary 2011 we hit the ground running and applied to adopt domestically through Saskatchewan. We were not given much hope that anything would result of that, but we figured it was a good place to start. In February we heard of a pregnant young lady looking to give her baby up for adoption privately. Her parents were friends with John's parents so they passed on our names to her but we didn't think much of it, as our marriage was a bit of a struggle at that point. Actually our whole first year was pretty miserable, but that's another story for another time. We heard that she had a baby girl on March 30 and had decided to keep her. We figured that was the end of that.
The next few months we didn't actively pursue anything. We sold our trailer and moved to Warman which kept us busy enough. In the fall once we were settled in our new place, we started researching different countries that might be an option for us. We decided that even though it was outrageously expensive and a huge step, we would try to adopt from the United States. We got an application to an agency and began filling it out. It sat on our kitchen table for a few days and then on Nov. 20, exactly one week after our 1st wedding anniversary, we got a phone call. You know that baby I mentioned before? Turns out her mom had made the decision to give her up for adoption after all and we were one of the couples she was deciding between. (Sorry if you know this story, but I know I haven't blogged it before). One week later we met Cassidy Breanne Adele Boone. She was beautiful and perfect and I fell in love. That night we talked to her birth mom on the phone for quite a while and she decided to let us be Cassidy's parents.
Well...life just went nuts after that. December was madness with figuring out what the next steps were, getting baby items plus the usual busyness of Christmas. My aunt also passed away that month. Emotions were definitely running high. On Dec. 26 Cassidy came home. So 2011 started with an adoption application and ended with a baby!
2012 started with us as new parents. Cassidy transitioned into our home so nicely. I was worried that it would be hard on her since she was 9 months old but she did amazingly. We spent that next WHOLE year trying to get her adoption finalized. It was a long road with lots of bumps, some bigger then others, and it was stressful to say the least. Her birth family still wanted to maintain a relationship with her and I struggled with trying to respect that and intense fear that they were going to take her away from us. My heart was in agony. On one hand I was overjoyed that I finally got to be someone's Mommy and on the other hand I was scared it wasn't going to last. 2012 came and went and Cassidy still was not a Letkeman.
I had high hopes for 2013 and thankfully, our prayers were answered and in March the adoption went through. Relief does not even begin to describe how we felt. We had already decided that once her adoption was done, we were moving full speed ahead into adoption #2. I was terrified. Cassidy's adoption had really done a number on me and I didn't know if I could handle another one like that. But we didn't want an only child. So I gave it to God and in July we pulled out that application from 2011 and started down the road of international adoption. This story you know, if you've been reading my blog. We ended 2013 on the wait list and 2014 was dubbed the Year of the Baby.
2014 lived up to that title and Aviannah came home in June. We spent the rest of the year having monthly visits with our social worker and the year ended with her adoption getting finalized.
So...that brings us to 2015! Just recapping all that has me exhausted! So what now? I have no idea. I'm relieved that we are not currently in the adoption process. I need a break. I am in love with my girls and I can't imagine our family any different then it is right now. When we first brought Avi home I thought I would never want to adopt again. I was so done, but already my heart has been softening to the idea. We've decided that we're not going to pursue anything for the next couple years unless God tells us otherwise. If he drops another baby into our laps Cassidy-style, fantastic! If not, fantastic.

I have grown to love not knowing what's around the next corner in life. It forces me to trust God and to let go. It makes life more interesting and I always love a good surprise! I also love the fresh start of a new year. I know that January 1st is just another day and God gives fresh starts every day but there's just something about looking back and reflecting on the year gone by and seeing a whole new year in front of you, full of promise. I have no idea what lies ahead but I can be excited about it and here's why- I walk with a God who never changes. He was the same last year as He is this year. Nothing in life is certain except Jesus. And that's why I can walk into a new year unafraid. Whatever this year brings, whether joy or sorrow, I know that I am God's child and He is my Savior and that will always be enough for me.

Hello 2015!

The End.

Dec 18, 2014- one for the books! The day we closed the book on adoption #2!

Apparently our agency is different then most because our social worker said with all other adoptions that are finalized after placement, the judge meets with the lawyer in his/her chambers and the parents don't need to be present. For ours, they required that John, I and our social worker all be present in one place together and talk with the judge over the phone. The date was set for Dec. 18 at 11:30 our time (9:30 their time).

Our social worker works at RUH so this morning we met her over there, got some coffee and sat down and waited for the phone to ring. And waited. And waited. I was told to expect a small delay but after a half hour I was starting to feel a bit panicky. Finally the phone rang, but it was our agency. She said that we were the 17th case that morning and the judge was running way behind (apparently she is a bit long-winded!) She said to expect up to an hour of delays. So we went and got lunch and wandered around the new health sciences building. Thankfully our social worker had a slow day and had no problem waiting around with us (amazing lady, she is!)

Finally, at 1:20, the phone rang from Las Vegas. The call took about 10 minutes in total and it was actually really fun! They made us all raise our right hand and swore us in over the phone. I held my hand over my mouth so they wouldn't hear me giggling. How could they really tell if we were actually raising our hands? We all stated our full names and then the judge talked to John and I for a bit and then Michelle, asking her if she recommended the adoption going through. Then, those beautiful, beautiful words- "It is in the best interest of the child to be adopted by John and Mandi Letkeman," (or something like that, I don't remember exactly). There were rounds of congratulations and Merry Christmas and then they hung up and that was it! It all felt so surreal and I giggled some more and Michelle hugged us and then we all went our separate ways, John and Michelle back to work and I drove to my parents, picked up my baby and officially welcomed her to the family with lots of kisses.

The End.