She's So Cute!

If you're not my friend on Facebook, you missed the BABY PICTURES that I posted earlier. So in the off chance that you did, check this out!

Isn't she darling? I showed Cassidy and she said "Oh no, she's sick." She's already so concerned so I said that's why we're going to get her soon, to help her get all better.

So, to backtrack, I talked with our agency again today. They gave me the number of the hospital and said I could call and talk to the nurses. They also went over the fees and other info and said we can come anytime! What I wasn't expecting was the length of stay. I was originally told 2 weeks but because she'll still be in the hospital for some time yet, we need to stay 6 weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand- six weeks in Vegas? Where it's hot? Yes please! On the other- that's more money for food, accommodations, all the stuff we need to live. But we are able to afford the agency fees (barely) and we'll make do with the rest. God has brought this baby into our lives and by His grace we'll figure it out. Because LOOK AT HER! Seriously. That chin!

I was able to talk to her nurse for quite a while and she filled me in on everything. Bottom line, she is doing very very well and everyone has fallen in love with her. It sounds like she's getting fantastic care and I am so thankful for that. I can't wait to start bonding with her!

So please pray for us as we make plans. My parents will be driving down with us for the first week and they are letting us keep their SUV, which will be so nice. I am so thankful for their help. Our house and dog are going to be well looked after, and John's dad is going to fill in for him at work. Everything else, well, it'll have to go on without us, which I'm sure it will just fine. I wonder if I'll get homesick, or maybe I'll like Vegas so much I'll never want to leave! I will post lots of pictures (mostly for the sake of the grandparents, who I know are going to go through Cassidy withdrawl) and keep everyone updated regularly. We plan to leave this weekend sometime.

I can't believe this is actually happening!

Is It Monday Yet?

This weekend has been such a whirlwind of emotions. I feel so discombobulated right now (discombobulated is a fun word!) I wasn't able to get a hold of our agency on Friday which was super disappointing because it meant we've have to wait till Monday to know what's going on. We still have no idea about any details. I just want to go get her! Is it Monday yet?

At first I was just plain bummed and just wanted the weekend to be over with, but then I thought that this will probably be our last weekend as a family of 3, our last weekend at home before we leave for Las Vegas, and I wanted to soak it all in. So I did! Saturday was spent at home, mostly getting things organized for baby girl's arrival. We currently had the spare room upstairs which was the future nursery and the office in our downstairs room. Leesa (my sister) is moving into the downstairs room in the fall, so we moved the upstairs stuff downstairs and moved our office space into the family room downstairs. Then I started setting up the nursery. I have the glider, dresser with the change bad and an end table set up. I'm borrowing a crib from my sister-in-law, but we won't need that right away anyway. It was SO exciting to actually start setting it up, knowing that there was a real live baby that would soon be occupying the room! John and I also spent the weekend tossing baby names back and forth. We have agreed on a name and I love it! We even signed cards for our mothers with her name in it and it looks so good with John, Mandi and Cassidy :) Sorry, though! We're not telling until we see her, in the off chance that we decide to change it. Hopefully we can share soon!

Today was Mother's Day (duh) and we had such a great day with family. We spent the morning at church, spent the afternoon with my family and the evening with John's. I am so blessed to have two great families! It was wonderful to not think about the upcoming craziness and just focus on being with family and having fun together. Cassidy made me a sweet drawing and I got a flower and some chocolate as well :) Plus she sang me a happy mother's day song to the tune of Happy Birthday. It doesn't get any better then that! Today felt bittersweet. I loved celebrating with my precious Cassidy but it was hard knowing that my other babe was so far away. Even though we haven't met yet, I feel such a connection to her. 

One of my biggest prayers throughout this process was that when we got a referral, that if it was the child for us that we would feel the same peace we felt when we got the call about Cassidy. I had never been more certain of anything in my life during that time. As soon as we heard about Cassidy, I knew God had meant her for us and it was incredible to see how He had His hand in the whole process. I knew that I was going to need the same confirmation with this one. And, once again, He has given it to me. Both John and I feel with absolute certainty that this baby was meant for us and I have already seen God been working in mighty ways since we found out on Thursday. I did the math and figured out that the birth mother would've gotten pregnant with baby girl in July sometime, which was around the same time we started to begin the adoption process again. This just blows my mind! The whole time we were filling out paperwork, waiting, doing more paperwork, waiting, raising money, waiting, she was already forming and growing and alive! All of my desperate prayers to God were already being answered as she grew in her mother's womb. Amazing. 

All the love, support, prayers and well wishes we've recieved has been overwhelming and wonderful. I couldn't believe how many people took to Facebook to express their joy for us and this morning in church we were bombarded with hugs and promised prayers. I know for certain that your prayers are being heard and we are every so thankful for them. We do have one big prayer request right now. We need her citizenship papers to come before we can bring her back into Canada. Ideally it would great to have them before we head down, but we could also get someone to send them to us if they arrive while we are down there, but if you could pray that the gov't would work fast to get our papers to us. From what they originally told us, they should be here any day.

I'll probably be blogging more now, as we continue to find out more details. We're taking a laptop with us so I'll keep you all updated when we're in the States (and post a picture as soon as I can!) My parents are actually planning on coming down as well, which will be a HUGE help as we are taking Cassidy as well. John's boss is the best boss in the whole wide world and has no problem with John up and taking off with very little notice. My piano families have also been super understanding and have no problem with me having to cancel lessons for the next couple of weeks. 

And yes, Cassidy is very excited! Last night John took her to the park and she walked up to a complete stranger and proudly announced "I'm a big sister!" :) Today she insisted that I change her monkey's poopy bum on the baby's changing table. She's going to be an awesome little helper!

I should attempt to get some sleep (that's been not happening as much either). These darn butterflies in my stomach won't go away :) I don't mind one bit though!

BABY, BABY, BABY OH!

It always amazes me how in seconds your life can be completely changed, either for the better or for the worse...

Thursday afternoon at 3:15 I was doing some last minute tidying, getting ready for my piano student who comes at 3:30. The phone rang. It was John. He had forgotten his phone at home so he was calling me from his bosses number. He usually calls to check in when he forgets his phone. I was happy to hear from him as we hadn't talked all day. After we exchanged hello's he says "So Social Services in Regina called. Somebody picked us. You need to call them right now."
I just about dropped the phone. I think I stumbled through a few "Are you serious?" and one very emphatic "You'd better not be joking!" (I knew, of course, that he wasn't, but I was in a bit of shock.) I looked at the clock. 3:20. I had 10 minutes before my student was coming. We hung up and I dialed the man in Regina, hands shaking. He informed me that a baby had been born mid-March very premature, and had been in the NICU since. The baby was doing really great and was almost ready to be released. The parents had chosen us to adopt the baby. He said all the information about the family and the whole situation were in an email, and we were to read over it and get back to him on Friday. He also said that because this was such a time sensitive situation, the costs were being lowered. In normal circumstances, we would get the referral while the mother is still pregnant and we'd have some time before the baby was born, but in this situation this was obviously not the case.
Tears started streaming down my face as I tried to take in what he was saying. All I kept thinking was "The baby is already born! It's already here!" This was completely not what we were expecting at all. We were warned that we might have very little time between the referral and the birth, but we thought we'd have at least a couple weeks. I hung up with the man in Regina, quickly shot off a few texts to family members to pray, and then my student showed up.
The next half hour was the longest of my life! I'm pretty sure I should reimburse her for the lesson because I don't think much teaching was happening. I couldn't stop shaking and I fumbled over my words. My student must've thought I was going crazy! All I could think about was that email. I needed to see that email.
As soon as she was out the door, I grabbed the computer and opened my email. Attached were several documents about the baby's condition, the parent's medical history and other important details. I opened the first attachment and the first thing I saw were the words baby GIRL! GIRL!!!
I read all the other attachments. It is an extremely sad situation. Both birth parents are homeless and jobless. The mother is 30 and this is her 11th pregnancy. 6 babies were aborted and this makes 5 that she's given up for adoption. The mother is in a wheelchair with nerve damage due to a car accident when she was a teen. Her labor came on so quickly that she ended up giving birth to the baby in an abandoned warehouse, assisted by the father. An ambulance came soon after and rushed them to the hospital. Baby girl weighed 2lbs at birth but has been thriving in the NICU and now weighs 5lbs. Both parents said they wanted their baby so much but they knew they could not give her the life that she deserved. I cried reading all of this. My heart is broken for them. John came home and we went through it all again together, although for both of us, we knew we were going to say yes before we knew details. I want us to be her family. This morning I called Social Services back and said YES!
On the one hand my heart is brimming with happiness but my heart is also broken knowing that my baby is here, alive, but so far away from me. The one thing I was looking forward to with this adoption was being there from Day 1. We missed out on so much of Cassidy's first year, and I was excited to get to do it all right from the beginning. So it was hard for me to learn that Baby Girl has already been alive for 2 months, although at 5lbs she's smaller then most babies at birth. I just want to get to her as quickly as I can.

So...that's where we are now. Our life changed, just like that. I am waiting to hear from our agency with all the details, such as when do we leave, costs, etc. I don't know for sure, but it sounds like we'll be taking off sometime this next week! This is insane!!
I am overwhelmed with God's goodness to us. Cassidy was our perfect Christmas gift and this one is my perfect Mother's day gift. Such gifts.
I promise to keep you updated once I know more about the situation. Please pray for us. Pray for Baby Girl. She is already doing well, so continue to pray that she gains weight and keeps progressing. Pray for her parents. They need it. Pray for us as we have alot to figure out in a short amount of time! Our immigration papers haven't come yet and we need those to bring her home, so pray that the gov't will be speedy in getting those here to us. We are so thankful for all your support. Look what your prayers have already done!

VEGAS BABY!!!

2nd Place or the First Loser

If you read my last blog post, you'll know that we hadn't recieved our monthly Baby Update. This is the first time our agency hasn't been prompt in communicating with us and I couldn't figure out why. I immediately got to thinking that maybe someone was in the process of choosing us, because when we get picked, they inform the "middle man" in Regina who handles all international adoptions in SK and he informs us. I figured perhaps they were the process of communicating with each other and we were just waiting for a phone call! 

John figured that they were just busy.

He was right.

Sometimes I really hate it when he's right.

I got an email today from our agency apologizing for not getting the update sent on time because they've been having a busy month. Darn. BUT she informed me that our profile was shown twice this past month AND that we were the second choice for one of the birth mothers. 

So we were ALMOST picked! I actually wasn't disappointed by this, but I still have butterflies when I think about it (I just read the email like 5 minutes ago and then I came right over here to tell you guys about it. I'm very dedicated to this blogging thing.) I'm not upset that she didn't pick us because I believe that God has the right baby in mind for us, and obviously her baby was not meant to be our baby. But I'm thrilled because it means that someone actually liked our profile enough to consider us to be her baby's parents. That means that (hopefully) someone else will like our profile enough to choose us to be her baby's parents!! 

Every day that goes by is one day closer to our baby being here, and now it feels closer then ever! 

4 Months and No Update?

The end of April officially marks the end of winter in my books and I can't help but breathe a huge sigh of relief. And try not to think about Christmas. Which is harder to do when Cassidy always brings me her Christmas books to read. I think I need to hide those.
The end of April also marked 4 months that we have now been on the waiting list. I have to admit, I was doing pretty good for the first 3. I was anxious, sure, but nothing like how I've been this last month. If I would've written this post a week ago, I'm not sure I would've liked what came off my fingers (and I definitely wouldn't have wanted to subject you, my poor readers, to it.) I was miserable, discouraged and just all around grumpy. I felt like this waiting has been going on and on and I was actually starting to convince myself that this adoption is not going to happen.
A couple evenings ago I poured out all my miserable thoughts on my poor hubby, looking for sympathy. Instead, I got a reality check, which I now see I needed much more. He reminded me that it's only been 4 months. We haven't even been waiting past the projected time they gave us (6-9 months). He reminded me that the longest anyone waited with our agency was 18 months and he said if we were still waiting then, only then would he start to be concerned. 18 months?? It better not take that long!
But his (blunt) replies to my whining were exactly what I needed to hear to help me put things back into perspective. He's so good for me in that way. I get so excited and so emotionally involved right from the get go, with anything in life, and he is so laid back and relaxed about everything. It usually drives me insane, but I need his level-headedness to balance out my impulsiveness. If I had married someone like me, we'd both be a wreck and probably be feeding off of each others anxieties. Sounds like a disaster to me! 
So I feel better then I did a week ago. Still anxious (every time the phone rings I just about have a heart attack) but praying that God helps me take it one day at a time and that I don't miss the beautiful life I have right now.

At the end of every month we've received updates about how many people have viewed our profile. They always have come between the 26th and the 30th. It's May 2 and we still haven't gotten our April update. I emailed them yesterday asking if they had any news for us and have yet to get a response. This is unusual and it has my head spinning. I keep thinking "Well, maybe someone is in the process of picking us right now and they are waiting until they know for sure before they say anything!" I'm hoping I hear from them soon, but until then, we still know nothing. Sigh. At least the grass is turning green!

The Ache Remains

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, which I just learned today. Go figure. Hearing this has made me reflect on my own journey with infertility. I usually don't let myself go there, but I am today. Ironically enough, April is also the month when, 9 years ago, I first learned about my infertility. 

God has brought me so far in these past 9 years. I used to be completely broken, and I can safely say He's done a pretty good job of putting me back together. We have a wooden plaque that my brother brought us from Africa. It says "Jesus is the answer" and it hangs right in our back entrance. This area of the house has alot of traffic and because of that, the plaque has fallen and broken many times. Each time we glue it back together and hang it back up. From a distance, you can't even tell where it cracked, but if you look closely you can see the cracked line running through the middle. This is how I feel. I feel like I am put back together, and that most of the time I (or anyone else) can't tell that I was broken, but there are still the cracks that never used to be there. God has healed me, but I am not who I once was.

My desire to be a mother is gone. It has been satisfied in my sweet, bubbly, energetic 3 year old. I no longer have to look at other mothers in the park and wish that I had my own child to play with. I am beyond thankful for this. Adoption has fulfilled my desire to be a mother. Yet there is one thing adoption hasn't and will never fill. The ache to carry a child. 

For me personally, I know that (barring a miracle, which I fully believe God could do if He wanted) I will never carry a child inside me. Normally I don't feel the ache. It used to be constant and so intense that I thought I would die. Now most days I carry on and don't even think about it. The ache usually only manifests itself if I see a pregnant woman walking down the street, or hear of a friend announcing her pregnancy. I usually, when that happens, push it down as fast as I can before it hits me too hard. Like I said earlier, today I'm letting myself go there and there is a reason why I don't usually do that. Because the ache is still there and if I let it, it can still be just as painful and intense as it was 9 years ago. And I know that the ache will always be there. It's never going to go away. Oh, how I want it to go away. 

I have come to a place of understanding regarding my infertility. I have seen how it was part of God's plan for my life. I have seen how it has opened doors for me to encourage and walk alongside other women struggling with the same thing. It has meaning and purpose in my life and for that I am grateful. I wouldn't be Cassidy's mother if I wasn't infertile and that makes me want to cry more then anything else that I can think of. I would choose her over any biological child I could have. But all of this doesn't mean that I still don't struggle. Maybe when I'm 50 and past the childbearing age I finally won't wish to carry a child inside of me. I can only hope. For now, though, the ache remains.

If you know someone who is walking the lonely road of infertility, would you come alongside them? They desperately need encouragement, hope and love. Pray for them, and tell them you're praying for them. Share a verse with them. Take them out for coffee. I felt alone when I first began the journey of infertility and no one should ever have to feel like that. You can do more then you think you can. It doesn't take much, just a little bit of love.

Sunshine, Baby!

Hello friends! It's a beautiful day today! The sun is shining and spring seems to have finally arrived. Every time we step outside now Cassidy yells "It's SUMMER!" I definitely share her enthusiasm!

We had such a great weekend! I spent most of Saturday in the kitchen making soup for our fundraiser lunch we had yesterday. I need to make soup more often, I forgot how amazing it makes my house smell! We also bought a stroller/carseat combo off the Warman/Osler Buy and Sell for a really good deal. Cassidy and I took the stroller for a spin Saturday night and it is wonderful! Much much better then our old one. Another step closer to baby! We've also started rearranging rooms around. Right now our office is in the downstairs room and our spare bedroom is upstairs. My sister is going to be renting the downstairs room starting this fall and the spare room will be the nursery so we've started figuring out how we're going to rearrange things. I bought a dresser for baby last weekend so that is all set up in the nursery now too. Getting everything set up has made this all feel so much more real! C'mon baby!!

Yesterday was our soup and bun lunch and it was a great time! The soup turned out great and we had a great response. We made $1535! Our church family has been such a blessing to us and we are so thankful to be a part of such a wonderful body of Christ. We are planning on having one last fundraiser and hoping that will put us over the top for finances! I'll keep you posted!

Easter is this coming weekend and I can't wait! Our church joins together with a few other churches and we have a joint Good Friday service on Friday morning. This is my favorite church service of the year. I am always moved to tears as we sing about the cross and the sacrifice Jesus made for us those few thousand years ago. It is something I never want to take forgranted. But of course, the story didn't end with his death, and I love the celebration that comes on Sunday morning as we sing about the resurrection. Hallelujah, God be praised, He's risen from the grave! Both of these services will be held at Sutherland Evangelical Church (110-104th St, Sutherland) and you are officially invited. Jesus died for you and He wants you to accept His gift of salvation. It's never too late.

Get out there and enjoy the sunshine while it lasts! :)