Sweet Child O' Mine

I've heard the comment a few times now that "I don't know if I could adopt because I'm afraid the child wouldn't feel like mine." It's a valid fear. I used to feel the same way. When I first learned I couldn't have kids, I remember sobbing to my mom that I didn't want to adopt, I wanted my own kids. Adopted kids were different, in my naive, 17 year old mind.

Now I know that I was wrong, and I try to tell people that they are wrong too, that blood doesn't matter, how often times I forget that my children don't share my DNA and how those fears fly out the window the second you lay eyes on your child, YOUR child, but I think that unless someone themself adopts, they'll never fully understand how deeply you can fall for a child that isn't "yours." 

It wasn't instant with Cassidy. From the first moment I saw her, I thought she was breathtakingly beautiful and I wanted her, OH I wanted her, but I think I didn't let myself get my hopes up because when we met her we weren't even sure that she would get to come live with us. Only later that evening did we find out that her birth mom had made the decision to give Cassidy to us. We saw her a few more times before she came home for good, but even then I was cautious, even though everything was progressing smoothly. It wasn't until the day we went to pick her up. I remember it like it was yesterday. We had buckled her into her little seat to head home and we had just turned onto Circle Drive and I looked in the rear-view mirror and caught my breath, because I could see a little dark haired head back there. I remember looking at John with wide eyes and saying something like how I couldn't believe this was real, that we were taking her home and we wouldn't have to take her back. Something inside me took over and all of a sudden, she was my baby. It felt as normal as if we were driving home from the hospital with a tiny newborn that I had just birthed. 

It was different with Aviannah. We knew right from that very first phone call that she would be ours. Everything was very cut and dry that way. And it just about killed me, because all of a sudden, I had another baby, a very real and alive baby far away from me, and I wasn't there with her. I remember feeling in shock, like my brain had just gone through some sort of trauma, because one day I was a mother of one and the next I was a mother of two, yet I only had one of my babies with me. There really aren't words to describe it, but it was the same shift that took over when I looked at Cassidy the day we took her home. My heart literally felt broken and incomplete until we were there with Aviannah. I remember how the nurse scooped her up and put her in my arms and how in that moment, my heart was healed again, because we were together. Because she was my baby. 

I don't think I've ever shared this story, but it's my favorite from Aviannah's adoption and it brings tears to my eyes every time. When she was still in the hospital, the social worker would stop by frequently to ask how we were doing and just to chat. One day she was telling me about when they finally knew that we were coming. It took the birth mother awhile to choose a family, so everyone was very excited when she finally did. The social worker said that Aviannah was always very sleepy and they never saw her awake much. She had gone over to Avi's bed and Avi was sleeping and she whispered to her "Your mom and dad are coming for you!" As soon as those words left her mouth, Aviannah's eyes flew open. The social worker said she'd never seen her open her eyes so wide before. "It was like she knew what I said!" she told me. As I think back on it, I think she did know. Just as God was preparing our hearts for her, He was preparing her little heart for us. She was waiting for us, just as we were waiting for her.

I still often look at the girls and think "How did I get so lucky that you get to be mine?" I can't comprehend how even though they were born to somebody else, I get to be their mother. It reminds me of my favorite adoption quote: 
"A child born to another woman calls me Mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." 

I don't know what it feels like to be a mother to a child who grew inside of me and who shares my genes, but I can't imagine that I would feel any different towards that child then I do to my girls. They are, in every way, my children and I blessed to know them. 

Back to Work

"Summer days, drifting away..."

How is it already the last week of summer? I am in mourning. Summer is hands down my favorite season. I love everything about it (except the bugs). For us, life really slows down in the summer. The rest of the year we are so busy and so summer feels like a breath of fresh air, a break that we all desperately need. I don't work during the summer and we spend most evenings sitting around a fire in our backyard, playing at the park and staying up late watching the sun set. Last night Cassidy and I took Maya to the new dog park in Warman (great place!) and then we came back and made s'mores over the fire John made while we were gone. These are the memories I love to hold on to. It feels like this should've been a crazy busy summer, with a new baby and all the adjustments that come with that, but this has been one of the more relaxing summers I can remember. We were home from Vegas mid-June so by the time July hit we were already falling into a nice routine and were able to really soak up summer. I know I'm always going to look back on the summer of 2014 with nothing but fond, happy memories and I'm so thankful for that!

And yet, life goes on. This fall life is going to look quite different for us! I'm still teaching piano, but I'm cutting back a bit. I'm going from 14 students to 11, so not a huge difference but with the baby I can't teach after school when there is no one to watch her. I wasn't sure how we were going to do with losing that little bit of money, but God is good and has once again provided above and beyond! My friend is going back to work from maternity leave at the end of October and has asked me to take care of her little guy 3 days a week. So Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I'll have a 3 and a half year old, a 1 year old and a 7 month old! I am really excited about this, but boy, am I going to be busy! I'll have him from 8-5ish and then have an hour to eat/clean up before I teach piano all evening. I really really hope Aviannah is sleeping through the night by then so I'm at least getting a full nights rest!

*on that note, she is SO close! For 2 weeks now she sleeps from 10:00 till 3:00/4:00 and then till 8:00. A few times she's done the whole night through. I am loving this new routine!*

Another big change is that my sister is moving in with us next weekend! She's going to university for her Education degree but is doing most of her classes online. This is going to be a huge help for us! We are charging her rent, but not alot because we will also get her to help in other ways. She's babysitting for us when we both have worship team practice, she's help with meals during the week and it'll just be fun to have her around! I'm really looking forward to it! 

So wow, this fall is bringing some big changes. And as much as I'm going to miss this beautiful summer season, I'm looking forward to what's ahead. It's already been amazing to watch how much Aviannah has changed over the summer, how she's grown and what she's learned. Still my favorite part about motherhood is getting to witness these babies grow up, and watch them grow into amazing little people despite the million times you feel like you've failed them. It's a privilege and a gift and so I look forward to what's ahead, despite the busyness. Except the cold weather. That's never any fun.

The Battle Between My Head and My Heart

Out of all the different ways motherhood has completely transformed my life, none is quite so bewildering to me as what happens when I leave my children with someone else.

This is how it starts: It's date night. I have been looking forward to this for months. John and I text back and forth "DATE NIGHT" all day long. The day DRAGS by. Cassidy must know it's date night because she is more mischievous then usual. I can't wait to pass her off onto someone else.

5:30: John gets home, showers and we dash off to whichever grandparent's place are babysitting that night. Hugs, kisses, and we're out of there in 5 seconds flat. As we're pulling out of the driveway, John and I are high-fiving each other and singing some version of the Hallelujah chorus. My heart feels like it is soaring high above the clouds. Freedom has never felt so good.

We get to the restaurant. We smile giddily at each other across the table. I hear a kid that sounds suspiciously like mine. I turn to look. And apparently I look alot, because half way through our meal John says something like "You're looking at the kid more then you're looking at me." "Sorry," I say. "It's just that she really reminds me of Cassidy!" All of a sudden I miss my little monster, who is probably being a perfect angel for Grandma.

After the meal, we head to our next destination (movie, walk, ice cream). I look at my phone and resist the urge to text to see how Cassidy's doing. She's fine. If there was a problem, they'd let me know. Enjoy your evening, Mandi. 

The rest of the night I can't stop thinking about Cassidy and how much I miss her, and at the same time I am having such a great time that I don't want to go back to being mom just yet. I can't understand how I can have two extremely opposite emotions at the same time. A battle between my head and my heart. By the time we pick her up, I am overjoyed to see her and usually, the feeling is mutual, which makes me feel all warm and good inside. 

I guess this is what happens when your heart is not your own anymore, when now two little girls have each stolen a large piece of it. When I'm apart from them, I feel free yet incomplete. Today I'm leaving both Cassidy and Aviannah for 12+ hours to go to a Rider game. I've been looking forward to this day all summer, yet dreading it at the same time. I've never left my tiny baby for so long and I'm kind of a nervous wreck about it. In my head I know she'll be fine, so why can't I make my heart believe that? I'm fully expecting to have a great time, but also to be missing my girls like crazy. 

Comes with the title of mother, I guess. And I wouldn't trade it for all the freedom in the world. 

I Seem to Disagree With Everyone Else

There's been some crazy things swirling around social media these days in response to the news that Robin Williams committed suicide. I've been trying really hard to stay quiet and not voice my opinion because it seems everyone else in the world is, but I have been so infuriated by what I've read that I can't keep it in any more. Besides, no one reads my blog anyway, right? (Please don't go viral).

These are some of the main points I see that people are tying to make:
- It was depression that killed Robin Williams, not suicide
- Suicide is not at all selfish
- Suicide is sometimes a natural result of depression.

I completely disagree with all three statements. And I am no stranger to depression. I watched my mom suffer from it for years and I've dealt with it in my own life as well. It is completely debilitating and utterly hopeless at times. My darkest moments, where I myself had suicidal thoughts, are so fresh in my memory that it feels like yesterday, even though it was almost 10 years ago. So I can sympathize with people struggling with depression. And I realize that we as a church, as a body of Christ, as humans, need to be more educated on depression and how we can help those suffering from it.

That being said...suicide is always the wrong answer. And yes, suicide is a choice. Someone tried to make the comparison that when a person dies from cancer, they often actually die from pneumonia, or some other smaller virus that attacks their weakened body due to the cancer. But we say that they died from cancer and in the same way, we can say that when someone commits suicide (if they were depressed), that they died from depression. This makes me so, so, so angry. If you die from cancer, you don't have a choice. Your body betrays you and you die, against your will. Suicide is ALWAYS done by your own hands. Whether it's a gun to the head, a knife to the wrists or by swallowing pills, it is something someone DOES to them self. It does not just "happen." You don't just accidentally swallow a whole pill bottle or pull the trigger. No. It's a choice.

Also, yes, suicide is selfish. I never used to understand what would drive someone to literally take their own life, until I was in that dark place. Then I understood. And it was terrifying. But you think of your family, your friends, the ones that love you. You think about what that would do to them, how it would saddle them with guilt and grief for the rest of their life. At least I did. And for some, that's not enough to make them choose life. I realize sometimes the pain is just so bad and so deep and so dark that you stop thinking rationally and can't see any other options. But our life is not ours to take. That's the thing. The only one that has a right to take a life is God. He gave us life and only He should be the one to take it away. Anytime anyone takes a life, whether theirs or someone else's, they are stealing. When someone commits suicide, they are stealing themselves away from all those that have loved them, invested in them and built a life with them. I can't think of much that's more selfish then that.

I really really don't want to come across as un-sympathetic or un-caring, but I''m scared that if people start believing that suicide isn't selfish or isn't really their choice anyway, that it will start being acceptable, or at the very least tolerable. And it shouldn't be. There are so many that are suffering silently. They need to know that suicide isn't the right answer. We need to point them to Jesus. We need to stop praising celebrities who kill themselves and we need to stand up. Lives are at stake, and unless they know Jesus as their Lord and Savior, people are spending an eternity in hell when they die, no matter how they die.
Harsh? Maybe.
Truth? Absolutely.

5 Months!

Sorry it's been quiet here lately. We've been having a very busy and fun August. I can't believe it's already half over :( 

Today Miss Aviannah is 5 months old! This is also so hard to wrap my brain around. Next month is halfway to a year already! She is definitely tinier then the average 5 month old baby so it still seems like she's so much younger, but she is proving that size doesn't matter and is ripping through milestones these days!

She laughed for the first time a few weeks ago and then didn't really after that. I was lucky enough to catch the first laugh on camera and we tried so hard to get her to do it again, but she wasn't interested. Then this past weekend we were at John's cousin's place and he got her laughing so hard! Again, we got it on camera and since then she hasn't stopped! I was giving her a bath last night and she was laughing so hard that John came in and was like "What are you doing to make her laugh like that?" All I was doing was saying "Hi Avi!" She also thinks it's hilarious when I blow kisses on her tummy. Her laugh is so funny. She doesn't smile very big when she laughs and it's very low sounding and forced. I wonder if it's hard on her lungs to laugh, but she seems to get better the more she practices :)

She also rolled over from tummy to back a few weeks ago, and has done it a few times since. She can't do back to tummy yet, but she can sure wiggle around! In the mornings when I get her from her crib, she is never in the same place that I left her. One thing that we are sad about is that she won't sleep on our chests anymore. If we put her on us on her tummy, she just lifts her head up and immediately tries to roll off of us :) It's pretty cute, but I'm sure going to miss those snuggles.

We borrowed a Bumbo chair from a friend and Avi loves sitting in it. I'm finding she wants to be sitting more then lying down these days. She is also sleeping in longer stretches (HALLELUJAH!). We still put her to sleep in our room and she usually does 4-5 hours, sometimes 6, wakes to eat and then I put her to sleep in her crib for the rest of the night so she doesn't wake to John's alarm. I feel like we need to be moving her to her crib permanently soon but I'm just not ready! I like knowing that she's only a few feet away if she needs us and I know I wouldn't hear her as well if she was down the hall. But she is quickly outgrowing the bassinet so it needs to happen soon. Just one of those harder milestones.

We've done weekend trips these past two weekends and I am amazed at how well Avi has done! Cassidy also, but she's always been good that way. We were camping the first weekend in August and Avi slept so good and was happy the whole weekend long. She loves being outside so all the fresh air must've helped! Then this past weekend at the family reunion, she was also so happy. She sometimes gets over stimulated when she's around big crowds of people but she did great being passed from person to person. I still can't believe how we have two flexible, happy, easy going girls. I can take them anywhere and know that they'll do great and that is such a blessing!

I hope you all enjoy these last few weeks of nice weather! Cassidy is already talking about Christmas. I am so not ready for that yet, but it'll be here before we know it, I'm sure!

Summer Days, Drifting Away...

This has been the best summer that I can remember. July has been filled with playdates, trips to the spray park, evening walks and baby snuggles. And the best is yet to come! Tomorrow is August! 

August is my favorite month, mostly because it's my birthday month (27 on the 4th!) and also because it's a summer month and I love summer! July has been super laid back. We haven't ventured too far from home (read: past Saskatoon) because hello, we needed some serious downtime after the craziness that was May and June. It's been family time, all the time, which is fantastic but I also love to get away and so that's why I'm super excited for August! We have so many fun things coming up!

This coming weekend (August long) we're going to the lake with my family. Friends of ours from church are letting us use their site and camper since they are away. This will be our first time camping with Aviannah. Actually, this will be our first time camping with Cassidy and Aviannah. We stayed in my uncle's cabin at Candle Lake last summer but that doesn't count. I don't even really count staying in a camper as camping but whatever, it's close. We grew up tenting. That's the real way to camp! But considering we have a 3 year old and a 4 month old, this time I will gladly take the camper over the tent! Camping is always exhausting but I'm glad we're doing it with my family and not just the 4 of us. At least we'll have more help that way! And it's my birthday weekend. Which means cake at the lake!

The weekend after August long we're taking a day trip to Caronport for a family reunion on John's side. I spent a few years living in Caronport, although being that I was 2-4 years of age, I don't remember much! My mom told me where we lived so I'm excited to drive by and see how much I remember! I always love getting together with the Vanstone crew so it should be a good time! 

Then, the weekend after THAT we get to go to a Rider game!!!! I haven't been to one in YEARS!! A group from our church is taking a bus down, which will make it even funner! (yes, funner.) Oh my goodness, I am excited for this! And no, we're not taking the girls. Haha. As if. 

We're also hosting a 5 day club at our house for the week after August long, and I think Cassidy will really enjoy that. We've already been working on verse memorization with her so I'm curious to see if she'll be able to memorize verses with the big kids! We also have a wedding we're attending on the 23rd. Weddings are always fun, and a wonderful excuse to buy a new dress (which I did today...)

So yeah, August will definitely be busier but so much fun! Starting in September life is going to look quite different for us (more on that later) so I'm planning to soak up as much as I can in this last month of summer.

Their Stories

Lately I've been thinking about the friends we made during our time at the Ronald McDonald House. I often thought about it, but never did blog about the amazing people we met there. I would love to tell you about them.

We stayed at the Ronald McDonald house for 20 days. We had our own room, very much like a hotel room but the rest of the house we shared with everyone, such as the main sitting areas, kitchen and playrooms. The first few days we kept to ourselves. When John was at the hospital, Cassidy and I would play outside or watch TV. During the day the house was always quiet. One of the requirements of guests was that they spend a minimum of 6 hours at the hospital caring for their child daily. This was to ensure that they weren't taking advantage of the house and using it as a vacation and neglecting their sick child. There were others around during the day however, and it didn't take long for us to start making friends.

We were the only family staying at the house who was there for a happy reason. When we were going over everything with the staff, they mentioned how they adoptive families were their favorites. I quickly learned why. As I got to know other parents, we obviously first talked about our kids and why we were at the house. Their stories were heartbreaking. More then once after visiting with other moms I would go up to my room and cry for them. I couldn't believe the things they were having to endure. It was unimaginable to me and I felt guilty that we were there under such happy circumstances. I mean, yes, Aviannah was in the hospital but she was healthy and just needed a bit of extra care before she was ready to face the world. Her situation didn't even compare to the hell that these other families were going through.

I especially got to know two moms really well. I think about them often and I very much regret not getting any contact information from them. The one mom was there with her husband and their 11 year old daughter. Her 19 year old step-daughter, her husband's daughter, lived in a house trailer in Arizona with her new husband and their 10 month old baby girl. One day, without warning, their trailer exploded. They all survived, but were all hurt terribly. The baby was burnt quite badly and all of her fingers were either completely gone or partially gone. The husband and baby stayed in Arizona in a hospital there, and the wife had to be airlifted to Las Vegas because her burns were so much worse. Her whole body was burnt. The only place that wasn't was the top of her head. They were mostly 3rd degree and some 2nd. When we got to the house, this girl's parents had been their for a month already and looked to be staying for a few more months at least. I got to know this girl's stepmom really well and I was just devastated for them. The story goes so much deeper then what I've said here and I think about them everyday. 

Another mom I got to know well was there with her 18 month old daughter who has leukaemia. Her daughter is actually a twin and this lady's husband was back home in Utah with their other daughter, so the family was separated. My heart broke for this little girl. She always looked so sad and the treatments were rough on her. Her mom was exhausted and missed the rest of her family. The day before we left her mom told me that they had gotten some important tests back. The doctors were optimistic that her cancer was digressing and that she might even be able to go home and continue a less rigorous chemo treatment from home. Instead, they learned that her cancer had gotten worse. Instead of going twice a week for chemo she was now going to have to go in 5 days a week, for more invasive treatments that would be harder on her tiny little body. Her chances of survival had dropped drastically. I didn't even know what to say when she told me this. I'm crying right now as I type this. I wonder how she is doing now. I don't even know how I would find out. These girls were miracle babies. Their parents had tried for years to have children, and were eventually blessed with twins. I know that feeling, the feeling of waiting years for your babies. To have that joy replaced by the tragedy of cancer- I can't imagine and it makes me so so angry.  

There were so many others we met with equally heartbreaking stories. I wanted to share these ones with you and ask if you would please pray for these families. And also, would you please, when you have a chance, support the Ronald McDonald Foundation? They have houses across the world and they become home for many families. 20 days is nothing compared to how long some families stay and these houses are their refuge, their safe place. A place where they can, even for a little bit, forget about the hard things they are going through and relax. Meeting these families reminded me of how cruel life can be, and how much we need Jesus. Life is fleeting, and things can change in the blink of an eye. I'm thankful for a God who doesn't change and I know that whatever trials I have yet to face in this life, I won't be facing them alone. I hope we were able to give some of this hope to the families we met.