The Battle Between My Head and My Heart

Out of all the different ways motherhood has completely transformed my life, none is quite so bewildering to me as what happens when I leave my children with someone else.

This is how it starts: It's date night. I have been looking forward to this for months. John and I text back and forth "DATE NIGHT" all day long. The day DRAGS by. Cassidy must know it's date night because she is more mischievous then usual. I can't wait to pass her off onto someone else.

5:30: John gets home, showers and we dash off to whichever grandparent's place are babysitting that night. Hugs, kisses, and we're out of there in 5 seconds flat. As we're pulling out of the driveway, John and I are high-fiving each other and singing some version of the Hallelujah chorus. My heart feels like it is soaring high above the clouds. Freedom has never felt so good.

We get to the restaurant. We smile giddily at each other across the table. I hear a kid that sounds suspiciously like mine. I turn to look. And apparently I look alot, because half way through our meal John says something like "You're looking at the kid more then you're looking at me." "Sorry," I say. "It's just that she really reminds me of Cassidy!" All of a sudden I miss my little monster, who is probably being a perfect angel for Grandma.

After the meal, we head to our next destination (movie, walk, ice cream). I look at my phone and resist the urge to text to see how Cassidy's doing. She's fine. If there was a problem, they'd let me know. Enjoy your evening, Mandi. 

The rest of the night I can't stop thinking about Cassidy and how much I miss her, and at the same time I am having such a great time that I don't want to go back to being mom just yet. I can't understand how I can have two extremely opposite emotions at the same time. A battle between my head and my heart. By the time we pick her up, I am overjoyed to see her and usually, the feeling is mutual, which makes me feel all warm and good inside. 

I guess this is what happens when your heart is not your own anymore, when now two little girls have each stolen a large piece of it. When I'm apart from them, I feel free yet incomplete. Today I'm leaving both Cassidy and Aviannah for 12+ hours to go to a Rider game. I've been looking forward to this day all summer, yet dreading it at the same time. I've never left my tiny baby for so long and I'm kind of a nervous wreck about it. In my head I know she'll be fine, so why can't I make my heart believe that? I'm fully expecting to have a great time, but also to be missing my girls like crazy. 

Comes with the title of mother, I guess. And I wouldn't trade it for all the freedom in the world.