Confessions

I made a comment yesterday on Facebook about how Aviannah has not cured my baby fever, but only made it worse. I also said how I was sad because she is probably our last baby, since we can't afford to adopt again. At least 5 people piped up and said they'd gladly help support another adoption. This made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but it also stirred up a feeling of panic and slight terror. I've been wrestling with this thought for awhile now and I didn't want to share it because I was afraid of the backlash that might ensue, but after yesterday it's been heavy on my mind, and so I want to confess something to you:

I do not enjoy adopting.

Now. Let me explain. I L.O.V.E my girls. I would do their adoptions over and over again if I had to. I would choose them over any biological children I could have any day. The way they came to us is nothing short of miraculous and I've never stopped marvelling how evident God's hand was in both of their adoptions. I can't wait to tell them the story of how we brought them home over and over again. I have come to a place where I am so thankful that God chose to grow our family through adoption. He has completely wrecked me for the better, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Yet...I really really do not enjoy the adoption process. When we were right in the thick of Aviannah's adoption I remember talking to John one night and I was in tears because I didn't feel passionate about adoption and I thought that was so wrong. I have friends who are passionate about adoption, and it is awesome! I tried really hard to be like them, but I just couldn't. I struggled with this for a while, but I've now come to a place where I am ok with that. You might not understand how I can't be passionate about adoption and yet have adopted twice, but honestly, the only reason we adopted is because it was the only option we had to have children. That may sound completely selfish, but I'm not going to try to sugar-coat it. It's the truth. I never (unless God laid it on my heart, of course) would have considered adoption if I were able to have bear my own children. Some people say they've always wanted to adopt. I never even thought once about it. Please don't take this to mean that I don't care about orphans because I really, really do. I have and will continue to support those who are working so hard to bring one of these children home, because I think that it's biblical and beautiful and I think we all need to take a stake in the orphan crisis.

I feel bad saying all this because honestly, both our adoptions have been almost flawless. We've adopted twice in 3 years. That alone is almost unheard of. Apart from a few bumps in Cassidy's adoption (very minor bumps), we've had no problems. And yet both the adoption processes were very, very stressful for me. With Cassidy's, it was the waiting to get it finalized. She was with us almost immeadiately from the start, but it took over a year before it was final. Learning how to accomodate her birth family was extremely difficult for me. We have a wonderful, wonderful relationship with them now, but it was a long road to get there, and only John knows how badly I struggled with it. With Aviannah's, it was the money and the waiting and all the paperwork. It all came together, but the process really wore me down. These days, I am deliriously happy and it's partly because I have the cutest baby EVER and it's mostly because we are not adopting right now. Really, I can't find words for how happy that makes me. And that's why, when all those lovely people started saying how they'd help us again, my heart sank and I wanted to go curl up in the fetal position in a closet somewhere. Because the thought of adopting again, right now, is too much for me. I can't handle it. I know we're just fresh out of one, and in a few years I might change my tune, but for now, just no. 

I've met many other adoptive parents and I feel like I don't belong in the adoptive community because these people are fighting every single day for their kids, fighting the system and fighting for change, and I just don't have that in me. I'm so glad that they have that passion, because I agree that things need to change. There are too many children without families and that needs to change. Like I said, I will support others who adopt, and who knows, maybe we'll adopt again but it's not my passion, it's not my dream and I've learned that that's ok. For now, our family feels complete. We have some ideas about what we'd like to do a few years down the road, but for now we're fine the way we are.

Please know how grateful we are for the love and support you've shown us. Grateful beyond words. If there's one thing I've learned through all of this, it's that God is full of surprises, and so I wouldn't be surprised if, in a few years, we'll be back at it again. Your show of support for another adoption makes me feel a little less panicked about it and that means everything.