Sending out an SOS

This might be as vulnerable as I've ever gotten on this blog, hang on...

I really actually do not want to be writing this. The last I posted on here was that our adoption has been put on hold and that we were going to enjoy the summer and take a break. Well, we have enjoyed our summer, it's been wonderful and gone by much too fast. I was expecting to feel ready to jump back in to working towards the adoption with renewed energy and determination after a month or so, and for sure by the time summer was over. And I just don't. Not even close. Truthfully, I feel even more defeated then I did when we were told our file was being put on hold.

I have no idea why I'm struggling so much with this. I have felt confused and conflicted. I was so excited at the start, but I think with our file being put on hold I was faced with the reality that there is a good chance this may not happen for us, and I feel like investing all this time and energy into something that might not happen is pointless. We've felt like the reason we have been put on hold is unfair and I've lost a lot of faith in the system all together. Yesterday I cried into John's shoulder and told him that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to adopt again. It has been so hard. I know that we had such good experiences the first two times around and I know very well how hard adoption can be, and yet now that we are experiencing it for ourselves, it's harder then I ever imagined. The thing is, I know deep down in my heart that we are still supposed to do this. Even amidst the confusion and the struggle, to actually say no and move on feels wrong. So many people, family included, have said how perfect our family is the way it is, and I agree. I have struggled so much with my selfish desires of not wanting to grow our family because right now the girls are at wonderful stages that make everything easier. The world seems designed for a family of four. They are both potty trained, sleep through the night, don't need naps. They are both healthy. All of these seem like selfish reasons for not wanting to add to our family but I keep fixating on them. 

John has also been struggling with the desire to keep going, but he actually feels more convinced then me that we need to do this. With our other adoptions we were both on the same page, yet I was always more excited then he was (that's just our personalities showing) so the fact that this is the other way around is different too. I trust him and I trust his instincts about it and I feel right now that that is the only thing keeping me from throwing in the towel all together. He has been so amazing through all this. I feel like I can't even put into words how confusing this is for me. John strongly believes that the devil is attacking us and I agree. Last night he made a very good point, which has prompted me to write this post. He said that maybe the reason we've been struggling so much is because we haven't let other people in and asked them to pray for us. I've asked you to pray in the past but in these past few months is when we've been struggling the most and we have not asked for help- at all. So, here I am, asking for help. Please pray for us. I don't even know how to ask you to pray, just pray. If you see me in person, don't bring it up unless I do. I don't really want to talk about it. I didn't even want to write about it. But I'm swallowing my pride because we need people alongside us to pray. We are exhausted and weary. I'm so very grateful for you all who love us and who pray for us, more then I can say. 

Adoption Update

I've been avoiding writing this post for a while now. Our adoption has been put on hold, for now. We had another meeting mid-May and our adoption worker and her supervisor had concerns about a specific thing from the past that I don't want to go into details on, so please don't ask, but this had not been an issue in our previous two home studies and for some reason, this time it was. I guess it all depends on who your worker is, but anyway, we were told our file was either going to be closed or put on hold. Despite this issue, our adoption worker thought we were one of the strongest families she's worked with and she told us she was going to advocate that our file be put on hold instead of closed. We waited a couple weeks before we found out that our file is being put on hold for 6 months. In the meantime, we have a few extra assignments to do, then once the 6 months is up, we can pick up from where we left off. That is the long and short of it, and that's all I want to say about it.

We are both feeling completely burnt out and done with it all. We don't feel like we want to continue, but we also know that if we don't, we will regret it in the future. Right now though, we are choosing to leave it be and rest this summer, then we'll get back to work on it. Our adoption worker says that we can take longer then 6 months if we need too as well, so we aren't going to rush things. We will probably start working on the extra stuff in a few months, but for now, a break is what we need. This has not been easy, but we both feel at peace and honestly, a little bit relieved. Our lives in general have just been over the top busy and the adoption process was really weighing on us, so we are choosing to see this as a blessing. We would still appreciate your prayers. I felt like I needed to give this update because you've all been following our journey and we really do need your prayers. Just prayers, not pity :) because it's not over, we've just hit a rather large snag, but we are still excited about the plans God has for our family. 

Update #4 (Is It Ever Going to Happen?)

I realized it's been a month and a half since I've done an adoption update but...what's to update? Literally nothing has changed since my last update. We had a visit with our worker at the beginning of April and have yet to have another one. This has honestly been super frustrating. We scheduled one tentatively for the end of April, but she had to reschedule. No big deal. We've had to reschedule every other appointment thus far so why should this one be any different? Ha.
So we rescheduled for May 4, a Friday, at 9:15. John decided to take the day off. We wait and wait and she doesn't show up. Again, this isn't unusual that she's late. She's been late to every other meeting we've had. Finally at 10:00 I figure something must be wrong. I try calling her phone at her office, no answer. I try emailing her. I try calling the front desk. Nothing. Finally at 10:30 she calls me back. She had written the wrong day in her planner, she thought our meeting was the next Friday. So we ended up not meeting with her that day. We were so frustrated and so upset, although I was very nice on the phone (I am so non confrontational, I kind of hated that about myself in that moment, but in hindsight, it's probably a good thing I was forgiving in that moment). John felt like he wasted the whole day and we ended up fighting with each other because we were both frustrated. So yeah, not the greatest day, but we apologized to each other and had a wonderful date night that evening :)

So anyway, even though she had written us in for the next Friday, that day didn't work for her either for some reason, so we rescheduled for the 16th, which is today! Yesterday she called and said she had to reschedule again so as of now we are sitting at next Wednesday for our next meeting. I don't even know what to think anymore. I like our worker, she's nice and friendly, but she seems so disorganized. I know she's super busy, and I feel for her, but it's getting a little old to keep being pushed down to the bottom of her priorities. I told John the other day that I just feel like I don't really care anymore. For the first time, I'm wondering if this is even going to happen at all. I feel very meh about the whole thing. I keep telling myself that God has a plan and that His timing is perfect. We weren't ever given a set timeline on how long this process would take and honestly, I'm not even that upset that it's taking so long but it's more like I really just don't care. 

I keep thinking about how this is going to change our family. We have a pretty good thing going right now. We've been a family of four longer then we've been a family of three and a family of two. The thought of that dynamic changing was super exciting at first but I think the novelty has worn off and now it just scares me. We really didn't have to uproot our lives too much to make room for our girls. They sort of just fit nicely into our family and of course it changes things, but things didn't change too much, if you know what I mean. I don't think that is going to be the case with this one. This child will most likely have some trauma attached, possible medical needs, might be a different race- all of those things could dramatically change our life! If you had talked to me a couple months ago, I would've said how excited I was for this. I think it's a good thing to be shaken up out of your comfort zone. We want God to stretch us and shake us up a bit. I still want that, but I feel much more frightened of it then I did a couple months ago. I'm not sure why. We've done all the paperwork and are literally just waiting on this last visit to happen, so maybe it's because it's all out of my control that I suddenly feel so apathetic about it. 

For anyone else that's adopted, you know this is normal. I've felt this way before. The waiting is draining, and maybe I've just been over analyzing everything too much. We still very much feel like God is leading this whole process. We pray for our future child every night. I'm just finding it so hard to make myself believe that this is really going to happen. Although when I think about it not happening, I get even more scared. 

I guess what I really want to say is please keep praying for us. Pray that we will be able to have this last visit. Pray that we will get approved to adopt. Pray for our child that's out there waiting for us. We really want him/her to come home soon. Thank you for reading my blog, even when I write really depressing stuff like this post, haha. I like to keep it real. Hopefully I will have a more optimistic update next time!

Update #3

How is it the end of March already? Time for another update!

We are still chipping away at our home study. We were supposed to have our 3rd visit yesterday, but our adoption worker called the day before and had to reschedule...again... Another family she is working with got picked for a placement that day and she needed to be there. I totally understand that that is how her job goes and that is definitely a more pressing matter then our current state, but it still was disappointing and I felt pretty bummed the rest of the day. All of our visits so far have had to be rescheduled. I keep reminding myself that God's timing is perfect. He's proven that again and again and I don't have to look very far to see it. With the other adoptions, I can see multiple examples of me wanting something to happen, it not happening, me wondering why, then after everything is said and done I completely understand. I know this is the same in this situation. He already knows our child. He knows when the perfect time will be for them to come home, and as much as I want it to be now, it's not. But that's ok. I am certainly getting more anxious to meet him/her (or them!) as time passes, though!

In other news though, we had an awesome answer to prayer this week! On the paperwork side of things, the only thing we were waiting on was our criminal checks and fingerprints. We got them done in January, then they had to be sent to Ottawa to be approved, then we were told we would receive them by mail and it should take up to 6 weeks. 6 weeks came and went. This week it's been almost 9 weeks. I was getting the mail yesterday, by myself with no kids, when I felt a nudge to go ask at the police station (just down the street) if they knew why the checks were taking so long. I honestly didn't think they'd be able to tell me anything, but I figured it didn't hurt to check, and I never don't have at least 1 child with me so it was the perfect time. I went in and asked. She said there isn't any way to check the status of where they are at once they've been sent off (which I figured) but she did say she'd check to make sure they were actually sent. So I waited a few minutes, she came back and said they had been sent away, and they should've been back by now, then she picked up a folder sitting right beside her, thumbed through it and said "Oh! Here they are!" Our completed criminal record checks were sitting in folder at the Warman RCMP, most likely for a while. She told me they call it the folder of silence because stuff just gets put in there and never seen again. I smiled and said thank you, even though inside I was extremely annoyed. But also I was very glad to have them and even more glad that I listened to that nudge (which of course, was God) and went in and asked. 

So, in conclusion, all of our paperwork for the homestudy is done! Our visit was rescheduled for this next Thursday and then we have one more visit after that, then our adoption worker will compile everything together and get us put on the list to wait to be matched! Thank you for your prayers, and a special thanks to those people who I asked specifically to pray for our criminal checks to come. We are one baby step closer to the end! 

Update #2

A few people lately have been asking where we are at in the adoption process and it's been a little over a month since I did a blog update so I figured I'd do another one, although honestly there isn't that much to update on!

We had our second visit with our adoption worker at the end of February. I guess they are under-staffed right now and there isn't money to hire new people so her workload is heavier then usual right now and she has a few urgent cases she is working on so we are a bit lower down on her priority list, which is why there's been so much time between visits. We were talking with another couple and they had weekly visits with their worker. Ours have been monthly. It's ok, it will all happen in time. The good news is that all we are waiting on is our fingerprints and criminal record checks and then we are done with the paperwork for the home study! We have another visit scheduled at the end of March, then we need one more visit and then we should be done our part. Our adoption worker will then compile all the information and make it into a profile for us to send to the Canadian Adoption Registry in Regina. So I really have no idea when that will be! 

We also attended another course at the end of February that was all about culture. 80% of the children in foster care are First Nations so it is very likely we will be adopting a First Nations child. This course was so informative on that aspect. We learned all about their history and culture and how we can incorporate their culture into our lives. It was very eye opening and helpful. I'm so grateful for how well we are being trained through this process. The paperwork side of it is easier, but we've had to take way more classes (online and in person) then with either of our other adoptions. It's been so so good. 

That's pretty much it for now. Thanks for your prayers and support!

Wednesday Night Thoughts

Today I posted a video of Avi on Facebook. I post lots of pictures and videos, but this one got a lot of attention today. She was singing a little song her Daddy made up for her. So many people said how they loved her little voice and how adorable and precious she is. I couldn't agree more. As I read the comments, I had two thoughts that came, one after the other. First, 'I can't believe she's mine. I'm so lucky' (this isn't rare, I have this thought multiple times, daily!) But this thought was immediately followed by 'I wish her birth parents could see her now'. This is also something that I think of often. With Cassidy, we have a relationship with her birth family. We are very close with two sets of grandparents and her birth mom and dad are friends with me on Facebook. They get to "see" Cassidy all the time. This is actually one of the main reasons I am so active with pictures and videos on Facebook, for their sake. I like that they get to get a glimpse into her life and watch her grow up. It makes my heart happy to know that they can still be a part of her life. With Avi though, it's different. We never met her birth parents, never even saw pictures of them. We know their names but that's about it. I've actually tried to find her birth mom online, but she has such a common name it would be an impossible feat. Plus, they are homeless. We can contact our agency if/when Avi wants to meet them one day and they will help us which is great, but for now there's an ache in my heart because we don't have a relationship with them. I often think 'They have no idea about anything in regards to Avi's life! They don't know what she looks like. They don't know that she's perfectly healthy. They don't know how incredibly hilarious she is. They don't know that she talks and talks to anyone who will listen and everyone who meets her is instantly charmed by her. They don't know, they don't know, they don't know.' 
Adoption is so mind blowing to me. I can't comprehend how something can be so incredibly beautiful and joyful and yet so devastatingly tragic all in one breath. Avi is one of our biggest joys. I literally cannot imagine my life without her in it. And yet, there's a woman out there who is living out that nightmare daily. Avi was the 5th child she gave up for adoption so maybe she was used to it by then, but I can't see how anyone could ever get used to it. I want to weep just thinking about how she birthed this beautiful, hilarious, precious little girl and yet she will miss her entire life, or at least her childhood. I know it was her choice, but it's hard to describe how sad that makes me. With Cassidy, I'm comforted by the fact that her birth mom gets to stay connected through technology. We have zero connections with Avi's family. We plan to visit Las Vegas in the near future and I would love to meet her birth parents. I have no idea how to go about arranging that, or if it would even be a good idea, but I just want to hug that woman. I want to hug her and tell her thank you, even though thank you doesn't even begin to cover the gratitude that I feel towards her. I want her to see that Avi is doing well, that she's happy and loved and thriving. I want to show her the millions of videos I have of Avi singing, dancing, and being silly. I want to know if Avi looks like her. And most of all, I want Avi to have the option to connect with her birth mom if she so chooses. 
Adoption is wonderful but adoption is sad too. That basically sums up how I'm feeling tonight, blessed yet a little bit broken for those wonderful people 24 hours away who don't get to see how miraculous our little girl is. 

Update

It's been about a month since I announced we are adopting again and I figured I should give you an update, although there's not really much to update. We are still chipping away at our home study. We were supposed to have our second visit with our adoption worker yesterday, but she got pulled into a meeting last minute and had to reschedule. Unfortunately our rescheduled meeting is 20 days away. I was feeling pretty bummed about this for a while, but then I remembered that it's all in God's timing.
We have both had our physicals and blood work, then we need to make another appointment with our doctor to get the results of that. Our criminal record checks are on the way. I'm working on putting together a profile of our family. For Avi's adoption we had to do a photo book, which is so beautiful and very special to us, but it took a lot of work. This time, it's all supposed to be done on a Word document with pictures added in at the end, so it should be much simpler. We have finished our online training and we attended a 7 hour review of the training last Saturday in Saskatoon. It was so nice to meet other couples going through the same process and we left feeling educated, refreshed and excited!

John and I have both marveled at the absolute peace we have felt during this adoption process so far. Especially for me, this is a big deal but I can honestly saying that I am enjoying every single part of it. I didn't realize how much I missed adopting! We were so burnt out after Avi's adoption and we knew we didn't want to pursue that route again and I think if we were doing that kind of adoption again, I wouldn't be enjoying it as much but this process is so different in so many ways and it feels like a breath of fresh air and I am just having so much FUN. I wasn't expecting to feel this way so I'm pleasantly surprised! We aren't even feeling super anxious to get it over with, although of course we are so excited to meet kid #3 (that's how we refer to him/her in our prayers). There are so many unknowns with this adoption. We don't know what age he/she will be, so it's hard to prepare ahead of time for that. It's very likely that they will be a different race then us and we are already talking about how to possibly prepare for that. We have access to the Adoption Support Centre library and I know we will be taking advantage of that. This child will come from a traumatic background, something that our girls never had. The online training and the course last weekend has been so helpful in arming us with strategies, tools, and skills to help in these situations. Of course, every child is different and until we actually meet them, we won't know what we are getting ourselves into.

This should make me very afraid and anxious, but I don't feel that way at all, not even a little bit, and I know that peace and calmness is coming straight from my Father. We are also so incredibly thankful for every one of your prayers. And I gotta say, to be able to just ask for prayers and not money is such a relief! Thank you for caring, for being excited for us, and for praying. I'll continue to update as we go along!