Update #2

A few people lately have been asking where we are at in the adoption process and it's been a little over a month since I did a blog update so I figured I'd do another one, although honestly there isn't that much to update on!

We had our second visit with our adoption worker at the end of February. I guess they are under-staffed right now and there isn't money to hire new people so her workload is heavier then usual right now and she has a few urgent cases she is working on so we are a bit lower down on her priority list, which is why there's been so much time between visits. We were talking with another couple and they had weekly visits with their worker. Ours have been monthly. It's ok, it will all happen in time. The good news is that all we are waiting on is our fingerprints and criminal record checks and then we are done with the paperwork for the home study! We have another visit scheduled at the end of March, then we need one more visit and then we should be done our part. Our adoption worker will then compile all the information and make it into a profile for us to send to the Canadian Adoption Registry in Regina. So I really have no idea when that will be! 

We also attended another course at the end of February that was all about culture. 80% of the children in foster care are First Nations so it is very likely we will be adopting a First Nations child. This course was so informative on that aspect. We learned all about their history and culture and how we can incorporate their culture into our lives. It was very eye opening and helpful. I'm so grateful for how well we are being trained through this process. The paperwork side of it is easier, but we've had to take way more classes (online and in person) then with either of our other adoptions. It's been so so good. 

That's pretty much it for now. Thanks for your prayers and support!

Wednesday Night Thoughts

Today I posted a video of Avi on Facebook. I post lots of pictures and videos, but this one got a lot of attention today. She was singing a little song her Daddy made up for her. So many people said how they loved her little voice and how adorable and precious she is. I couldn't agree more. As I read the comments, I had two thoughts that came, one after the other. First, 'I can't believe she's mine. I'm so lucky' (this isn't rare, I have this thought multiple times, daily!) But this thought was immediately followed by 'I wish her birth parents could see her now'. This is also something that I think of often. With Cassidy, we have a relationship with her birth family. We are very close with two sets of grandparents and her birth mom and dad are friends with me on Facebook. They get to "see" Cassidy all the time. This is actually one of the main reasons I am so active with pictures and videos on Facebook, for their sake. I like that they get to get a glimpse into her life and watch her grow up. It makes my heart happy to know that they can still be a part of her life. With Avi though, it's different. We never met her birth parents, never even saw pictures of them. We know their names but that's about it. I've actually tried to find her birth mom online, but she has such a common name it would be an impossible feat. Plus, they are homeless. We can contact our agency if/when Avi wants to meet them one day and they will help us which is great, but for now there's an ache in my heart because we don't have a relationship with them. I often think 'They have no idea about anything in regards to Avi's life! They don't know what she looks like. They don't know that she's perfectly healthy. They don't know how incredibly hilarious she is. They don't know that she talks and talks to anyone who will listen and everyone who meets her is instantly charmed by her. They don't know, they don't know, they don't know.' 
Adoption is so mind blowing to me. I can't comprehend how something can be so incredibly beautiful and joyful and yet so devastatingly tragic all in one breath. Avi is one of our biggest joys. I literally cannot imagine my life without her in it. And yet, there's a woman out there who is living out that nightmare daily. Avi was the 5th child she gave up for adoption so maybe she was used to it by then, but I can't see how anyone could ever get used to it. I want to weep just thinking about how she birthed this beautiful, hilarious, precious little girl and yet she will miss her entire life, or at least her childhood. I know it was her choice, but it's hard to describe how sad that makes me. With Cassidy, I'm comforted by the fact that her birth mom gets to stay connected through technology. We have zero connections with Avi's family. We plan to visit Las Vegas in the near future and I would love to meet her birth parents. I have no idea how to go about arranging that, or if it would even be a good idea, but I just want to hug that woman. I want to hug her and tell her thank you, even though thank you doesn't even begin to cover the gratitude that I feel towards her. I want her to see that Avi is doing well, that she's happy and loved and thriving. I want to show her the millions of videos I have of Avi singing, dancing, and being silly. I want to know if Avi looks like her. And most of all, I want Avi to have the option to connect with her birth mom if she so chooses. 
Adoption is wonderful but adoption is sad too. That basically sums up how I'm feeling tonight, blessed yet a little bit broken for those wonderful people 24 hours away who don't get to see how miraculous our little girl is. 

Update

It's been about a month since I announced we are adopting again and I figured I should give you an update, although there's not really much to update. We are still chipping away at our home study. We were supposed to have our second visit with our adoption worker yesterday, but she got pulled into a meeting last minute and had to reschedule. Unfortunately our rescheduled meeting is 20 days away. I was feeling pretty bummed about this for a while, but then I remembered that it's all in God's timing.
We have both had our physicals and blood work, then we need to make another appointment with our doctor to get the results of that. Our criminal record checks are on the way. I'm working on putting together a profile of our family. For Avi's adoption we had to do a photo book, which is so beautiful and very special to us, but it took a lot of work. This time, it's all supposed to be done on a Word document with pictures added in at the end, so it should be much simpler. We have finished our online training and we attended a 7 hour review of the training last Saturday in Saskatoon. It was so nice to meet other couples going through the same process and we left feeling educated, refreshed and excited!

John and I have both marveled at the absolute peace we have felt during this adoption process so far. Especially for me, this is a big deal but I can honestly saying that I am enjoying every single part of it. I didn't realize how much I missed adopting! We were so burnt out after Avi's adoption and we knew we didn't want to pursue that route again and I think if we were doing that kind of adoption again, I wouldn't be enjoying it as much but this process is so different in so many ways and it feels like a breath of fresh air and I am just having so much FUN. I wasn't expecting to feel this way so I'm pleasantly surprised! We aren't even feeling super anxious to get it over with, although of course we are so excited to meet kid #3 (that's how we refer to him/her in our prayers). There are so many unknowns with this adoption. We don't know what age he/she will be, so it's hard to prepare ahead of time for that. It's very likely that they will be a different race then us and we are already talking about how to possibly prepare for that. We have access to the Adoption Support Centre library and I know we will be taking advantage of that. This child will come from a traumatic background, something that our girls never had. The online training and the course last weekend has been so helpful in arming us with strategies, tools, and skills to help in these situations. Of course, every child is different and until we actually meet them, we won't know what we are getting ourselves into.

This should make me very afraid and anxious, but I don't feel that way at all, not even a little bit, and I know that peace and calmness is coming straight from my Father. We are also so incredibly thankful for every one of your prayers. And I gotta say, to be able to just ask for prayers and not money is such a relief! Thank you for caring, for being excited for us, and for praying. I'll continue to update as we go along!

Here We Go Again!

In case you missed this...

(hint hint, read Avi's shirt)

It's true! We are in the beginning stages of adding kid #3 (and maybe kid #4!!!) to our family! And yes, we thought we were done...

To tell this story properly, I need to take you back in time. In January 2011, a month and a half after we got married, we decided we'd better get a jump start on the adoption process. Our first step was to make an appointment with the Adoption Support Centre in Saskatoon because we didn't have a hot clue about where to start. She explained the 3 main types of adoption: private/independent, domestic and international. I wrote a blog post explaining the difference between these a while back if you are interested in going back and reading it, so I won't explain that here. For your information though, Cassidy's was a private adoption and Aviannah's was an international adoption.

The woman we met with recommended applying to adopt through the Ministry of Social Services in Saskatoon, aka domestic adoption. This means if we were to adopt this way we would be adopting a child from the foster care system. This whole process is free, all costs are covered by the Ministry. This seemed like a good place to start so a week or so later we sent in an application. Shortly thereafter we received a letter stating that we were on the list to be released for a home study, which is the first step in the process. However, we were not willing to say yes to a lot of things on the application in regards to disabilities and what not, and the age we wanted was under a year. Because of these things we were told the chances of us adopting through this avenue were slim. We figured it was better then nothing.

Fast forward less then a year later, along came Cassidy. Then 2 and a half years later, along came Aviannah. Every once and a while I would think "Are we even still on that list from 2011?" We had gotten a letter asking if we wanted to stay on the list 2 years after we applied and we said yes, but since then we had heard nothing from them. We both figured because we'd adopted twice that we were off the list. And we were totally fine with that.

I am absolutely in love with our family. When I picture our family 10, 20 years down the line, I can see the four of us so clearly, just the four of us. I love that we have two girls and I love watching the bond between them grow. I am so overwhelmed with how God chose them for us and I couldn't ask for more. Yet there was this small part of my heart that ached for more and I feel so guilty even saying that out loud because it makes it sound like I am not grateful for what we already have and am being selfish. Nobody can tell me I'm not grateful. Maybe I am selfish. Before I found out I couldn't have kids I always envisioned 4 kids. 4 was my number. And as easily as I could see us with our two girls and only them, I wanted more. This is me being totally honest and transparent here, so please be gracious. I struggled with this for a long time, feeling this way. I thought it was wrong of me to want more because I've already been given more then I could have ever dreamed. Honestly 90% of the time I was so content and thrilled with our family, but sometimes those thoughts of more would come creeping in.

John and I have never, since Avi's adoption, felt ready or led to pursue another adoption. Even though her process went so smoothly, it was really draining. Still, if I think of going that route again, I shut it down real fast. So I didn't know what to do with these thoughts of wanting more. Last October I finally prayed to God one day "God, unless you make it very, very clear to us, we aren't pursuing another adoption. We are done. So if you want us to adopt again, if there's another child out there for us, you have to show us because we aren't going looking for them." Saying those words out loud brought such peace to my soul.

At the beginning of November 2017, I got a phone call from the Ministry of Social Services. My first thought was that they were trying to take my kids away, although I couldn't figure out why. My hands were shaking so bad when I saw who was calling on the screen. I had no idea why else they would be contacting us. The lady on the other end asked if we would like to come in and update our adoption application since it was very outdated. I was confused and then I remembered that dusty old application. I said something like "What? We're still on the list?" She informed me that, yes, we were very much still on the list. So John and I went in the following Friday and met with her. This time around, we were open to much more then last time. We also changed our age range to 3 and under. Keeping the birth order the same was very important to us but we figured since Avi is almost 4 we could expand the age range we were willing to accept. The worker also implored us to strongly consider becoming foster parents. There is a desperate need right now for foster parents, especially for babies and toddlers. This is something we had talked about in the past and after hashing it out over the weekend and praying lots about it, we felt like this was something we should do. 

I called the number to apply to become foster parents and we set up a date for the first meeting with the worker (a different one). 4 days before that meeting was to take place, we got a phone call AGAIN from ANOTHER worker from the adoption unit saying that we were being released to do a home study if we were interested (this is what we have been on the wait list for since 2011). The only catch was that we could not do a home study for adoption and a home assessment for fostering at the same time. We were stunned to say the least. We figured fostering was the right choice for us, and now, right when we were starting to get that going, the option to start the adoption process becomes available. She said that if our long term goal was adoption, we should choose to do a home study. This was a no-brainer for us. Both John and I didn't even need to talk about it. We were definitely interested in adoption! 

So that pretty much brings us to here. We had our first meeting with the adoption worker today and she gave us an overview of the whole process. We will spend a couple months completing our home study, then that gets sent to the adoption registry in Regina where they have all the profiles of the children from the foster system that are up for adoption. Then we wait until we get matched with a child, work on transitioning them into our home, have more visits once they are living with us and then that's it! The best part is there is no cost to us. I can't even tell you how relieved this makes us! 

We are completely overjoyed and overwhelmed. We have told our girls what is happening and Cassidy is thrilled and can't stop talking about it and Avi just keeps going back and forth between wanting a brother and a sister. We did say we were open to a sibling group so that's a possibility too! I think back to that prayer I prayed last October and my mind is absolutely blown on how clearly God answered! This is straight from Him! I know that doesn't mean that it will be easy or that there won't be some bumps along the way, but for now we firmly believe that this is what He is leading us towards. Cassidy is our dream come true baby, Aviannah is our miracle baby and this is definitely our bonus baby (or toddler!) What a blessing!!

Of course, there are no guarantees. I feel nervous announcing this because there is always the possibility that this adoption won't happen at all. We would appreciate your prayers as we go through this process.

And fun fact: if/when this adoption gets completed, we will have done all three: private, international and domestic. Boo ya. 

2017 Wrap Up

Here we are again, staring down the end of another year. It's been a great year! Here's the highlights from the Letkeman house:

January- Aviannah learned how to count to 10
               -John's birthday. I honestly can't remember what we did to celebrate!

February- Leesa and I road-tripped to Canmore for Jill's bachelorette weekend! I got to try                       cross country skiing for the first time and it was so fun!
           
March- Aviannah turned 3 on the 12th
          - Cassidy turned 6 on the 30th
          - We had a joint birthday party for the girls with both sides of our families. The house                 was packed and the girls were very well loved on
          - I got to go along on Cassidy's field trip to a gymnastics center

April- Cassidy had a birthday party with friends.
         - Cassidy lost her first tooth!
         - The girls started swimming lessons and both loved them
       
May- Cassidy started soccer for the second year and did awesome! She improved so much                 from last year
        - I planted my garden, also the second year. Unfortunately it did not do as well as last                 year
        - Highlight of the year- I celebrated my upcoming 30th birthday in Disneyland with                     Leesa, Jill and Pam. We had the best time! Good weather, good company, good                         food and lots of walking!

June- We attended Cassidy's kindergarten graduation.
       - Cassidy had her last day of kindergarten and was declared ready for Grade 1!
       - Aviannah got accepted into the Pre-Kindergarten program at the new elementary                      school.
       - We took a weekend trip to Swift Current to visit my grandparents in their new place.               Not quite as long of a trek as it took to visit them in Texas!

July- Cassidy learned how to ride a bike without training wheels! She had a great summer                 speeding around and getting more and more confident.
        - I hosted a 5 day club at my house for a week. We had a great turnout!
        - Another highlight- Eric and Jill's wedding in Sylvan Lake! This was our big holiday of               the summer and it was so wonderful! The girls loved being flower girls!

August- My birthday. The May celebration was my big party and John and I just had a low                   key date night
            - We went camping for the weekend in Waskesiu. We had great weather!
            - Aviannah FINALLY learned how to use the potty
         
September- Cassidy started Grade 1 and loves going to school every day
                 - Aviannah started Pre-Kindergarten and also loves school!
                 - I took in 2 new day care kids, first only part time and then full time. They have                          been an awesome fit and I've loved getting to know them!
               
October- Our park got a new makeover which was very exciting!
             - The girls were super heroes for Halloween

November- John and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary with a quick overnight                                  getaway.
                 - We had an early Christmas with my mom's side of the family before my                                        grandparents left for Texas
                 - Aviannah learned her ABC's and learned how to write her name
                 - I was involved in a drama with our church

December- We decorated for Christmas!
                - The girls performed in the Sunday School Christmas program. Cassidy was Mary                       and Avi was a sheep!
                - Cassidy also performed in her school Christmas program.
                - We are excited to celebrate Christmas with both our families!

This is such broad summary of our year. I could easily go into more details but I don't want to turn a blog post into a novel! Of course, in between all these "big" moments of 2017 were all the little, ordinary, everyday, arguably more important stuff. I'm just enjoying these days so much. Our life is busy, very very busy, but we've gotten pretty good at enjoying the moments as they happen. The girls are growing so, so fast. We are so in love with them and with this life!

We are looking ahead to 2018 with anticipation and excitement! God has, as always, been so faithful and good to us. Merry Christmas and God's blessings on you and yours this Christmas!

Another New Season

Last year we entered into a new stage of life with Cassidy off to Kindergarten and this year brings with it another new stage- both my girls are going to school!

Today was Cassidy's first day of Grade 1. We got to go meet her teacher last night and see her classroom and get all her school supplies unpacked so this morning, even though I wanted to take her, she got on the bus and off she went! I'm pretty certain she will love going to school every day though I'm expecting a very tired girl for the first couple of weeks.

Aviannah is very excited because she gets to go to school this year too! Last year she found it hard watching her big sister get on the bus and not getting to go herself. She won't get to ride a bus this year but she does get the special privilege of going to the brand new school in Warman. We registered her for the Pre-K program. She starts next Wednesday and goes four afternoons a week for 3 hours. That's a lot of school for such a little girl but I am positive she will love it! We got to see her classroom and meet her teacher last week and Avi ran right up to her teacher and gave her a big hug. The other exciting part is that Levi is in her class! I'll still be babysitting him and so that works well all around! They are going to be quite the pair and I hope they won't get into too much mischief together!

With Avi and Levi in school together, that gave me four afternoons of no children in my house, and so I decided to look for another daycare kid. There are so many ladies that do daycare in Warman and I felt it was going to be next to impossible to find someone. A teacher I used to work with recommended me to her friend who was looking for daycare and we met and on both ends we felt like it was a perfect fit! I will have a new little guy who is 2.5 coming 3 days a week and his sister who starts Kindergarten this year will come every other Friday. It could not be a more perfect arrangement! They have come one day already and they have fit in perfectly with everybody and I have very high hopes that we will have a great year!

I'm also still teaching piano two evening a week, so life is definitely going to be busy but I am so incredibly thankful to have found jobs that allow me to stay at home with my girls. In 2 years Avi will be in Kindergarten and then I plan to go back to work as an E.A, and I know those years are going to fly by! I've been home with my kids (well, it started out as just one kid) since the beginning of 2012 and I can't believe that this stay-at-home mom gig is soon coming to an end. I know I will always look back on these years as being the hardest, busiest, yet most fulfilling years of my life. The opportunity to spend every day being present with my kids, playing and learning and snuggling and crying and laughing and yelling and singing... these are just priceless times! 

I often hear moms of older kids saying they can't believe how fast the time has gone and I pay close attention whenever I hear those words. They remind me to stop and savor the moment, even if someone just peed on the floor for the 5th time or someone else drew on the walls, one day I will look back and maybe wish for smudged fingerprints on the window or to be picking up toys for the millionth time. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that Cassidy's days at home with just me are done. I get her on the weekends, and evenings, and that's it. And while I'm so thrilled for this next new stage and thrilled for her because she loves school, part of me just wants to pull out all her baby pictures and spend hours looking at them and crying because wasn't that just yesterday?

I suppose that's just motherhood in a nutshell. Having your heart being tugged in two different directions all the time. It's amazing watching them grow up and it's terrible watching them grow up, all at the same time. I am #blessed (sorry, couldn't help it!)

Getting It Better

Yes, my blog is still here, dusty cobwebs and all. There's been something on my heart that God has been teaching me lately and I feel like I need to get it down into words.

One thing that I have always struggled with is living in the moment. I love to have something to look forward to. The anticipation, the planning, the dreaming about what it will be like- I'm obsessed with all of it. My personality is such that I get ridiculously excited about little things, like birthdays and Christmas and trips. I went to Disneyland a couple weeks ago and for two weeks leading up to it I had trouble sleeping because I was so excited, which was super annoying but that's just how I am! I love looking ahead to the next thing, or looking back on what just happened and reliving it in my mind over and over. In doing so, I often forget to notice what is happening now.

When Cassidy came along, I found myself doing this with her childhood. Looking ahead to when she would start crawling, start walking, start talking, put sentences together, be potty trained, etc. I didn't realize I was doing it then, but I was pushing her to do all these things sooner. I think that's pretty normal for a first time mom. We want to see them hit the milestones and we don't realize until after they've hit them that 'oh, that was actually a lot easier when they weren't mobile' or 'now that they're talking they ask so many questions!' I don't have any regrets about her baby years, but sometimes I wonder if I wished them away too quickly.

I feel like I did a better job cherishing Avi's baby stage. Granted, Avi was brand new when she came to us and Cassidy was 9 months, but I remember her sleeping on my chest and trying my hardest to soak in that moment because I was more aware of how fast time went and I knew I'd blink and she'd be walking, talking, no longer a baby. And yet again, it went even faster then I thought it would. 

Since 2017 started God has really been impressing on me to live in the moment. It's so interesting the different methods he uses to teach us. Unintentionally I have been picking up books to read that are about someone losing somebody or something, and I've found myself watching TV shows and movies along that same line. I usually don't let myself watch or read those kinds of things and I honestly think God had everything to do with the fact that I have been lately. Because I really do feel like I am finally learning how to live in the moment. It's just been so impressed on me lately that these people in my life that I love; my husband, my children, my parents and siblings, my friends...they are not promised to me forever. Only God knows how much time I'll get with them and they belong to Him, not me. They are a great gift bestowed upon me and I will not take them for granted. 

The other day the girls were sitting on the couch watching a show and I just found myself staring at them, studying their faces and trying to soak up each little detail- the smattering of freckles around Cassidy's nose, Avi's tiny little nose, the way their hair fell. I feel as though they've always looked exactly like this, and yet pictures tell me that they were once babies, but I don't remember that very well anymore. And one day I'll look back on pictures of this day and think "It's hard to remember them like that, they are so grown up now!" These days are some of the hardest, yet most precious days of my life. Cassidy starts Grade 1 in a few short months and just like that, my days at home with her will be over. I can't believe it. And I can't help but think of how many days I willed the day to go faster, for bedtime to come quicker, because I was tired of little people hanging off of me and asking me endless questions. And here I am, staring down the end of these days and I want the ride to stop. I want to freeze time and keep my babies home with me forever. Slow down. 

So I'm living in the moment. Because looking ahead may be fun and exciting, and looking back is a good reminder of how far we've come, but this moment now is beautiful, and it's fleeting. Tomorrow it's gone. I want to remember lazy mornings in the kitchen, as I empty the dishwasher and make plans for the day in my head and the girls sit at the table in bedhead and pajamas eating their cereal. I want to remember taking them to the park and watching them run and laugh. I want to remember dance parties in the living room as they shout "Play another song, Mommy!" and then spin with all their might. I want to remember reading stories to them, and them fighting about who gets to sit on Daddy's lap, never Mommy's lap, only Daddy's. I want to remember John walking in the door after a day at work and shouts of "Daddy's home!" and giggles and hugs and kisses for all. I even want to remember tantrums and slammed doors and time outs because one day those will be all gone too. I really do feel like I have learned how to live in the moment. I'll never get it perfect, but I am getting it better.