2022 in Review

 Here we are again, another year almost in the books! I love doing these yearly wrap ups more for me then anyone else. A good reminder of how faithful the Lord has been throughout the year

The absolute highlight of our whole year happened in the first month. John and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary back in November 2020. We planned for a big trip but obviously that didn't happen. Finally, in January 2022 we got that trip! We spent a week in Huatulco, Mexico at a beautiful, fancy schmancy resort. We will probably never stay somewhere that nice again so it was so fun to be completely spoiled for a week. It was absolute perfection and the perfect way to kick off a new year.

My parents stayed with the girls. Unfortunately, both girls got covid during our trip, as did my parents but they all recovered nicely. I also got covid a month later and it hit me a little harder but I made a full recovery fairly quickly and I'm so thankful for that.

March was birthday month. Both girls chose parties at home with friends and it was a crazy busy month but so fun! By then all covid restrictions had lifted and it felt so good to have a house full of their friends!

We also got a paper route in March! Cassidy and I currently do it together but the hope is for one day her and Avi to do it. It is quite a large route but mid summer we were blessed to randomly cross paths with some people we'd met once before, who happened to be moving to our side of town and whose son was looking for a paper route! We happily agreed to split our route and I've never been more glad for that then I have been on these cold winter days!

In April, my niece Kendra turned one and we went out to Sylvan Lake over Easter weekend to visit them. We had a great time!

In May the girls had their first ever piano recital! They've been taking lessons for a while now but this was the first time we could gather for a recital. They both did such a good job. They are still both taking lessons and loving it. They have their lessons at school which is super convienent. They also had a track and field day at the end of May. It's been so wonderful to have all of these events again after two years.

We kicked off summer vacation with family camp at Cypress Hills! We've been wanting to do a family camp for awhile and I was looking up different camps in the province and I realized there was one in Cypress Hills. We've also been wanting to visit there, as John had never been and I only went once as a kid. It was so so wonderful! We are already talking about going back next summer. Family camp was so fun and the setting is beyond gorgeous. I kept saying it felt like we were in BC. Cypress is truly a gem in our province. We added a few days on to tent after family camp and boy, that was interesting! It POURED rain the entire time we set up camp. It was a miserable experience but we put our heads down and did it with no arguing, so I'd call that a win! Thankfully it didn't rain the rest of our time there. We can look back and laugh now!

The rest of the summer we spent at home and it was a perfect mix of busy and relaxing. We had a family reunion on John's side, my siblings came out and we spent some time with them, we went to the fair, the girls had a lemonade stand, lots of park visits, and the girls spent two weeks doing swimming lessons in Martensville. Avi finally conquered her fear of going underwater and Cassidy passed her level and improved so much. Another highlight of the summer- both girls attended their own summer camps at Redberry. This was Cassidy's 4th year and the first time for Avi! She just did a two night camp but loved it!

Summer went by too fast, as it always does. The girls started grades 3 and 6 in September. I had a little bit of turnover in my daycare with some kids aging out and adding a new little guy to my crew! We also did something crazy and impulsive and got a puppy! The cutest, cuddliest labradoodle named Oscar. He's currently growing at a rapid rate and I'm kind of terrified of how big he'll end up being! He is such a good boy and we love him so much.

Fall has definitely been the hardest part of our year. Back to school also brought some crazy viruses. September and October were brutal. Every one of my daycare kids were sick, and not just a minor cold. The four of us also got sick in there too. It was mid November before we finally made it through a week of no sick kids. We seem to be over the worst of it (I hope!) and I'm praying for good health from here on out.

We also had quite a few unexpected house expenses which has been discouraging but those are the things that come with being a homeowner, and when it rains, it pours.

A bright spot in a difficult fall season was traveling to Vernon, BC to attend my cousin's wedding and celebrate my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary! It was so wonderful to all be together and the weather was fabulous.

The worst part of this year was saying goodbye to Maya, our dog of 13 years. We put her down at the beginning of December. We all feel her absence and miss her very much. 

We are all looking forward to Christmas and time off from work and lots of good family time. A few things that are coming up next year are a trip to Vegas in April to show Avi where she was born (this has been in the works for quite awhile and we are all so excited!) and a job change for John! More about that at another time! My daycare is as busy as ever and I'm so thankful for these wonderful families I get to work for.

We are so thankful for good health, good friends and family and a good God! 

Our Third Adoption Journey Part 2

 ***Read Part 1 first or this won't make sense!***

Sometimes (a lot of the time), even though you know something is the right thing, that doesn't make it easy. I did eventually come to the place where I knew we needed to close our file. With one email to the social worker, it would be over. We needed that closure. Even though we were still living our life, there was always that possibility that we could get a call at any moment and our life would change. It was just a constant thought at the back of my mind. But I could not make myself write the dang email!! Every day I knew it was something I needed to do, something we both wanted to do, but I kept thinking what if? What if this is a mistake?

Time for another story- the story of the bunk bed. Early in the adoption process, when things were going smoothly, John built a bunk bed. A unique, gorgeous bed. This bed was in anticipation of a third child. Our girls weren't ready to move downstairs and we needed a way to put 3 kids in 2 bedrooms. So a bed was made, and used, and loved. Fast forward to a few months ago, when we knew the third kid wasn't coming but before I sent the email, we decided to sell the bunk bed. Avi was using it and had been asking for her old bed back so we sold it very quickly and it was gone within the week. 

I was still majorly struggling at that point. Struggling to come to terms with the death of my deepest desire. Little did I know, the physical act of the bed leaving the house was the beginning of my acceptance of our new reality. So many people commented on how sad it was that we got rid of the bed because it was so beautiful and John had put so much work in it, which is true, but my initial reaction was relief. I realized that bed was just a constant reminder of the child that would never sleep in it and having it gone allowed my heart to stop being reminded of what never would be and to move forward. It's so hard to explain and such a strange thing to help in my grieving process but it really truly did.

Shortly after that, our social worker emailed us! We needed to update a bunch of things to keep our file active. This was it, the moment I had been putting off. I responded that we would like to close our file. I didn't really go into why because it was hard to explain and I wanted to get this part over with. She called me later that day and I was able to explain a little more why we made this decision. She sounded sad and I felt bad but when I hung up, the peace that overwhelmed me was undeniable. It was done and I did feel confident that we made the right decision.

I want to talk about some of the things that have helped me move from a place of deep sorrow and struggle over a failed adoption to complete peace. I was talking with a friend about our situation and she said something so profound that I still come back to: "I'm sorry the choice was made for you." This was so helpful for me. I was being hard on myself for having such a hard time with this. It wasn't like we had a child already that was ripped from our home, or even that we had put any money into it that was lost. I know people who have had far more traumatic failed adoptions. This comment helped me be gentle with myself. It's hard when a choice that you would not choose is made for you. I let that sink in and instead of beating myself up, I let myself grieve that and that helped in letting go and moving on.

Another neat thing that happened was someone I follow on social media had asked a question about family sizes and was sharing others responses. One lady said something like this: "We have 5 kids but I wish we only had had 2 or maybe 3, but I feel like I can't talk about that. We aren't able to give our kids the travel and educational opportunities we dreamed of." I quite literally burst into tears when I read this. I always wanted a big family and I still think I would choose that if I could, but I again was able to shift my perspective and think about all the advantages that come with having a small family. We can more easily afford actives like dance, gymnastics, swimming, piano. Travel in general is easier and cheaper with less kids. We can hopefully do more of it. We can put aside more money for their education. We have more time and energy to give to 2 children verses 5. There are so many things! I tangibly changed my thinking from "We are missing out on dot dot dot" to "We get to do dot dot dot". I also used this strategy to help me cope with my infertility. It's a game changer!

I am so grateful to be in a place of contentment today. That's not to say I'm always content. The hardest part is understanding why. Why did God allow us to walk this long, very difficult road if we didn't get the baby at the end? That was the only thing that kept me going most days so what was the point? And I still can't answer that, and maybe I never will be able to, but I have to trust that God used this experience for our good and maybe for someone else's good. I'm sharing this because I've learned that their is value in being vulnerable. It brings connection, healing and joy. We are so grateful for all the love and support we've received in all our adoption journeys and we love this little family we've created!

Our Third Adoption Journey Part 1

 It's been a minute...is blogging still even a thing? I don't really care because I have a story to tell. It's one I've been meaning to tell for a while but I haven't been ready until now.  It's a story about our failed adoption.

In January 2018 (almost FIVE years ago??!), we announced on Facebook that we were beginning the adoption process for a third time. I posted a picture of the girls with Avi wearing a "Big Sister" shirt. That picture still makes me sad to look back on. I was definitely being presumptuous but I truly did feel certain that we would be expanding our family again. Leading up to this announcement we had met with a social worker about the possibility of fostering and were given the option to begin a home study towards an adoption. We began praying about it and I had one of those moments where God spoke so clearly to me that adoption was the path we should take. John was on the same page and we felt so in alignment as a trio. So I announced it on Facebook and we started the process.

Everything was going so smoothly at first. We took the courses we needed to take, both online and in person. We began meetings at our house with our social worker to start the home study process. We were meeting about once a month. In June everything came to a halt. Our social worker had some concerns about some methods of discipline we had used in the past and were not against, that the ministry felt we needed to be against, and our file came dangerously close to being closed. Our social worker, who really believed in us, fought for our file to remain open and it did, but we had to do a bunch of extra courses and basically change our opinion on this matter, and our file was put on a hold for 6 months. That was really hard. We felt so discouraged and a little bit discriminated against. We decided to take a break. We put aside all adoption related things for about half a year. Then we picked it back up and did the extra work that was asked of us and around mid 2019, we got the process going again.

This time, things did not move as quickly. Due to under staffing, our social worker had a very full plate and was not able to meet with us as often as before. The home study process became so dragged out. We felt like she kept going over and over the same things and that we were making no progress. It was extremely frustrating and discouraging. We almost quit so many times. The interesting thing was, we never both felt like quitting at the same time. When one of us was feeling low, the other one was feeling more certain then ever that God still wanted us to do this and would encourage the other person, and we would keep going. During this time, God really brought us closer as a couple. We felt so many spiritual attacks, which just gave us more determination that we were doing what God wanted us to do. We really had to rely on prayer and each other and while it was so difficult to walk through, now looking back I can see how pivotal it was in shaping our relationship, both with God and each other.

In February of 2020, we had our final visit! Our home study was done and all we needed to do was meet in person at the office in Saskatoon, review everything, and we would officially on the waiting list! We were so excited! Finally, we made it. We truly felt like we wouldn't be on the list for long and our baby would be home with us. I don't think I need to tell you what happened next...

The world shut down and once everything, the process stopped. No one knew where to go from there. We couldn't go meet in person to review our file so we just had to wait...again. I couldn't believe it, honestly. Why was this so hard? We still felt so strongly that this was God's will for us, so why were we hitting a wall again and again? In July, things had settled down a bit and we were able to go in and meet and we were on the wait list by the end of the month. Our social worker told us we were one of the best families she'd ever worked with and we were confident that we wouldn't be waiting long. John and I made a loose agreement with each other that we would give it a year, but there was no way it would take that long, right?

Covid definitely impacted the movement of kids from foster homes to permanent families. Things were moving slower then usual. As soon as we were on the wait list, we didn't hear a peep. I emailed our social worker about 6 months later, desperate for an update. I just wanted to know in general how things were moving. She didn't really give me a straight answer, she just said she knew the waiting was hard and to just keep waiting. Not helpful. In July of 2021, John brought up our agreement and I pushed back hard. I wasn't ready to close our file. I couldn't believe that our baby wasn't home yet and I couldn't imagine going through all that with nothing to show for it. John was ready to be done, but he didn't push me again. He could tell I wasn't there yet. We did both feel like it didn't hurt to keep our file open. Our life wasn't being daily impacted by this waiting so we kept on keeping on.

We did eventually start to have more conversations about the future. Our girls were getting older and the older they got, the less realistic it seemed to welcome a third child under the age of 3. I knew what we needed to do but still, I pushed back. We needed to close our file and this chapter of our lives. We needed to move forward as a forever family of four. People would often say things like "you are so blessed to have your two girls", and I know those comments came from a place of love, but they were so hurtful to me. Every single day I am very keenly aware of how lucky I am to have them. There's not a moment that I forget the journey to them. I didn't need to be reminded of that, but that didn't mean that what I was going through now, having to say goodbye to the death of a dream of a larger family, didn't matter and wasn't hard. I could be thankful for what I had while grieving what I didn't have. Those two feelings did, and still do, coexist in my heart. Finally though, I also arrived at the same place John had been for a while now. We did need closure. It was time.

To be continued...

Peace Out, 2020- A Year in Review

 Another year is coming to a close and 2020 was a nice, normal, non eventful year....

SAID NO ONE EVER.

In all seriousness, how do I even begin to recap this year? It's crazy to think that we are living out a truly historic time that will be written up in history books for decades to come. There has been so much negativity and division this year that I want to focus on the good moments in 2020. I can truly say that for our family, this year brought more good things than bad and for that I am grateful.

Highlights from 2020:

- the lockdown from March till June: this seems like a funny thing to list as a highlight but it honestly was my favorite time from this year. I ended up losing all my daycare families and became a homeschool mom. The girls and I spent every day together for two whole months, just the 3 of us, doing school, playing games and being creative with our time. It wasn't all roses, of course. Homeschooling was hard and I learned, as I had suspected, that the girls thrive in the school setting and homeschooling was not for them. But we did it, and we all learned a lot! Avi learned how to read, Cassidy made great strides in her spelling and mental math and I had so much fun learning alongside them. We really bonded during this time. I hadn't had this much one on one time with them since they were babies and it was really special.

Also, as a family this was such a special time. We spent the evenings either having family game night or family movie night. After the girls went to bed, John and I fell into a very comfortable routine. He played his computer game, I worked on a puzzle and we had The Office on in the background. We also got creative with at home date nights and made our own fancy meals together or ordered in from local restaurants. Our marriage really thrived this year. We hardly even had a disagreement and we really flourished with all the extended time spent together. 

All in all, a forced slowdown was exactly what we didn't know we needed. We were pretty busy pre-Covid and something that I'm taking away from all of this is that a slower lifestyle suits us much better. We were more engergized and more easygoing and relaxed. It was a very wonderful spring.

- Summer was another highlight. I started working again but just had a few families back. I worked straight through the summer and we had lots of fun playing outside and going on little adventures around Warman. We got to escape to the lake for a weekend, the girls and I took a trip to Sylvan Lake and the girls went with my parents to a cabin for a few days. It was a nice mix of adventure and relaxation.

- John and I celebrated our 10th anniversary in November. We had been planning on an all inclusive vacation to Mexico (thankfully we had not booked anything yet) and that trip being cancelled was the biggest disappointment of the year. Instead, we had a weekend staycation at a downtown hotel in Saskatoon and it was the most wonderful little getaway. We truly felt like tourist in our own city and being in our own city, we mostly just relaxed and recharged. We are still planning on that big vacation as soon as the quarantine period is lifted!

Other highlights:

- Aviannah and Cassidy turned 6 and 9 in March and finished Kindergarten and Grade 3 in June. They were able to return to school in September and both have amazing teachers and are really thriving being back in the school setting!

- We learned in August that Eric and Jill are having a baby in April 2021! We are all SO excited! This baby is going to be so loved!

- We finished our home study and officially got on the waiting list for our adoption in July. We pray every day that our 3rd child will come home soon! Here's hoping 2021 is finally the year we get to add to our family again.

Blessings from 2020:

- John never lost his job throughout the pandemic. Even though I did lose my job, I was able to collect CERB for two months. Financially, we remained stable and for that we are so grateful

-Health: I was super sick for the first 2 months of the year, right up until we learned about Covid. Looking back, I wonder if it was Covid that I had? Who knows. Since March, we've all stayed healthy. We had a mild cold at the end of August but other then that, we've been blessed with great health. Since starting daycare again in full force in September, we've had no sickness come through the house which is such a miracle! I'm praying this continues as we enter into the cold months of January and February.

-My daycare is busier then ever! All my families eventually came back and I have a few new ones starting in the new year. They are the most wonderful people to work for and I can't even believe that I get paid for spending my days with these fantastic little people.

-Our extended families are all happy and healthy as well.

I've saved the biggest highlight for last. If you follow me on social media, you'll know we undertook a major house renovation this year. It turned into a way bigger project then we originally intended. It all started with a desire to make our front door usable, and turned into a major overhaul inside and out. Once you start, it's hard to stop!! On the outside, we've literally changed everything. New siding, new windows and doors, new shingles, new exterior lights, plugs, mailbox and house numbers. On the inside, new paint on the main floor, new flooring in the living room and hallway, new furniture, new casings and baseboards, new light switch plates and plugs and new window seat. We contracted out the outdoor work but John has taken on all the indoor renos himself. He did a fantastic job and we are so pleased with our house. It feels like a brand new house! We plan to stay here for the foreseeable future and it's been such a gift turning this into our dream home. 

This year has definitely had it's hard moments. We are all feeling quite weary and drained from the toll this pandemic has taken on everything. Mentally, it has been quite exhausting and anxiety has crept up in me personally in some ways I haven't experienced in a long time. The fear and divisiveness this has all caused is so disheartening. I honestly have no idea what to expect in 2021, and I'm glad we don't know. God knows, and He is a good good Father, and that's all I need going into this next year. We are leaving 2020 stronger then  when we came in, closer as a family unit and stronger and more resilient as people. So goodbye 2020 and hello 2021!

Much love to you all.

And Now We Wait

I heard from our social worker the other day that we are officially registered and in the "waiting pool" as they call it. I had to tweak our family profile a bit and re-send that in and finally finally I am done everything from my end and...now we wait.

I'm finding this to be the weirdest waiting period out of our three adoptions. With Cassidy there wasn't a waiting period to get her, the whole thing was so surprising and unexpected. With her adoption, the wait happened once she was with us, the wait to get everything finalized. That took a lot longer then it should have but at least we had our girl home with us.
With Avi it was very similar to this one. We finished all our paperwork and were informed we were on the wait list, and waited until we got a phone call. That is exactly what will happen with this one as well. Our social worker will give us a call once we've been matched.
The HUGE difference between Avi's and this one is that with Avi we knew we were getting a newborn, so we could easily prepare for that. I feel like it was always on my mind because I was in a constant state of gathering baby items, setting up the nursery, etc. We were also super busy fundraising during that time so the adoption was very much the center of our lives.
This time there is nothing I can do to prepare because our age range is 0-3 and so there's no point in starting to gather items we might need because obviously a baby has different needs then a 3 year old and we won't know until we get the call what age this child will be, plus there is no fundraising necessary this time. 

My life is so hectic anyway that I feel like I often forget we are even in the midst of an adoption. But we could literally get a call any second that will change our lives. That is mind blowing to me. I know once we do get matched, everything is going to ramp up and it's going to be a mad rush to get everything together and this limbo right now feels so strange. I wish I could be preparing and setting up a room but it's pointless right now. 
I get crazy butterflies when I do think about it. We are just one phone call away from becoming a family of 5 (or 6!) My biggest prayer right now is that it happens sooner rather then later. This has been such a long process, it sure would be nice if this part didn't take too long. Your prayers for patience and peace are much appreciated! God willing, my next post on here will be introducing you to our new little one!!!

Big Update!!

I literally cannot stop smiling right now...

January 2018 is when we began the adoption process for kid #3 (as we lovingly refer to him/her when we pray for him/her). Everything started by moving along fairly quickly. By the end of January we had most of the documents in order that we needed and had almost completed our in class sessions. 

We started our visits to complete our mutual family assessment (MFA) and were able to meet pretty regularly, about once a month. In June the process came to a complete stop due to concerns from our worker's supervisor. We were told that we would likely not be able to proceed. Our worker told us that we are one of the best families she has ever worked with and she was going to do everything she could to advocate for us to keep moving forward. Thankfully our file was not closed and instead just put on hold for 6 months and we were tasked with some extra training and classes if we wanted to keep moving forward. 

We were so discouraged and frustrated. The reasons we were put on hold felt unfair. We decided to take a break. We left everything alone for a good 4-5 months, then we started to chip away at the extra tasks we'd been given. About mid 2019 we emailed our worker with our list of completed assignments and picked up from where we left off. She came for her next visit in July of 2019. We hadn't seen her in a year and a month. Unfortunately her workload was insane. The office was understaffed and overworked. We were at the bottom of her priority list, not by any fault of hers, that's just how it worked out. So we had one visit in July and the next one wasn't until fall, and the third one was February 2020.  Also, a bunch of our documents we had completed in January of 2018 had expired so we had to redo those. Our last visit where we completed the MFA was at the beginning of March 2020. She did a walk through of our home and said once she got everything typed and put together we could come in and sign off on our MFA and officially be on the wait list!

Then Covid 19 happened. Everything shut down. We communicated through email and our MFA was completed and ready for us to sign but that just wasn't possible because their offices were closed. So again, we waited. Honestly this was almost the hardest wait. We were so close! Things were finally moving quicker and then again, everything slammed to a halt. Last week we got an email from our worker saying that we could meet in her office to sign off on our MFA! With Saskatchewan entering Phase 3, they were allowed back in their building again.

Today was that day! This morning we met and went through our MFA (30 pages long!) and signed off. We had to sit across the room from our worker and it was so hard not to jump up and give her a hug. Her supervisor was in the office today and she is signing off on it this afternoon, then it gets sent to Regina to the Central Adoption Registry and by early next week, we should be registered and in the waiting pool! 

What a rollar coaster this has been! This adoption has felt like a fight every step of the way. Our worker even said we were admirable for sticking it out, she said not many people would be willing to go through all the hoops we had to go through. The truth is, I'm surprised we stuck it out too. I was ready to give up countless times, as was John. The thing was, whenever I was ready to give in, he pushed me through it and when he was feeling discouraged was when I was feeling persistent. I know this was not a coincidence. We have felt with everything in us that this is what God wants us to do. Even on the hardest days, we have been sure of this. I am so excited to meet this little one that God has picked out for us, because it has been a long road and we are more then ready to hold this child in our arms!

Please keep us in your prayers. We have no idea how long we will be waiting for. Our worker couldn't give us any kind of timeline because every situation is different. Also, because of Covid things are moving much slower. I'm just thankful that everything is out of our hands now and we can just sit back and wait for that phone call! I honestly can't believe that we are finally here. I have been guarding my heart and not fully letting myself believe that this is actually going to happen and now it's actually going to happen! There has been so much that God has taught me through this process (I could do a whole blog post on that alone) but the biggest thing is that His timing is perfect. One day we will look back on this and see that everything happened exactly how and when it was supposed to. I'm so thankful for His faithfulness to us, and His nudge in our hearts to keep going, keep going, keep going.

Nothing Like A Pandemic to Get Me Blogging Again

It's been a year since I've wrote on here. I guess blogs aren't even really a "thing" anymore, but the time of life we are living through right now is so historic that I wanted to come on here and write down all my thoughts and feelings. I know I'll never forget this time, but details will become fuzzy and I want them recorded to look back on later. So this is really for me, but I have a feeling you might relate to most of this as well.

Today is April 2, 2020. When I look back to a month ago it is shocking how life has changed in every single way. I'm no stranger to how life can change in the blink of an eye, but it still isn't any less shocking when it happens. Our world is in the middle of a pandemic. Schools, churches, restaurants, hair salons, theaters, small business, shopping malls, playgrounds and more have closed. People are working from home. Parents are homeschooling their kids. We have been told to social distance and stay at home. We can't see our families, except over the internet. Borders are closed and travel is banned. Ironically, gas is cheaper then ever and we can't even go anywhere. 

So right now our life looks a lot different. I am not doing daycare right now. All of my families are at home with the kids and I'm not currently needed. So I'm home with just my girls. We are loosely following a school schedule and waiting for the weather to get nicer. John is still going to work. He works by himself in the shop so he's not at a high risk of contracting or spreading the virus. His work has still been busy, thankfully. All our evening events are cancelled. I just flipped the calendar over to April yesterday and sadly took note of all the events written for the month. Kids club, swimming lessons, gymnastics, Easter, school break. These were all exciting things to look forward to and now it's all cancelled. 

The girls are handling everything remarkably well. We had a tough first week of adjustment but we've fallen into a good groove. I know they miss their teacher and their friends. We had signed Cassidy up for gymnastics after a year of her begging to take lessons and they were supposed to start in 2 weeks. I just got an email saying that the spring session has been cancelled. They can't even go to the park outside our back gate. It's a lot of disappointment for little girls to handle. It's a lot for even me to handle. For the most part, I'm not minding this slower pace of life, and then all of a sudden I find myself crying into my pillow, overcome with the seriousness of the situation. I miss my friends too. I'm sad that the girls can't see their grandparents. I miss church. I miss going out and not being afraid that everything I touch could potentially make me or someone else sick. I miss date nights and restaurants. 

Our situation is not dire at all. John is still working and I'm hoping to qualify for the emergency benefits they are rolling out next week. We have money in our savings. Financially, we will be just fine. Physically, we are fine. In fact, we've been healthier then we've been in a while. We also just really enjoy being together. I feel like our marriage has never been better. I can't remember the last time we've argued. The girls have their moments but we are having lots of good, intentional family time. We are still putting the girls to bed on time so we can have an evening. I've been enjoying doing puzzles while John plays on the computer and we watch The Office together. I also dug out a piano piece that I didn't have time to learn, because now I do! I am loving having nothing up every night. I hope we can look back on this time and agree that it was a special bonding time for our family. 

I've been going for a walk everyday, without fail. Even yesterday, when it was miserable and cold, I still went, just not for as long. Even 20 minutes outside, by myself, in the fresh air, does wonders for my mental health. John has been so understanding about how I need this time and usually takes on bedtime while I'm out walking. We've always been a good team and I feel like lately we've been a great team! I've also been making myself get up at 7:30 every morning. I typically get up at 7 to get ready before my first daycare kids arrive. Now I really don't have anything to get up for. The girls usually eat breakfast with John. I could very easily let them play or watch a show while I sleep in. I find that if I do that, my day is shot. I am not a morning person but once I'm up, the morning is my most productive time of day. So I've been keeping my morning routine the same. Get up, get dressed, make the bed, empty the dishwasher and have my breakfast and coffee. We start school at 9:00 and by then I usually have done all these things and am ready to go. I'm hoping this will make the transition back into normal life easier as well (whenever that happens!)

Overall, we are doing fine. My heart hurts for those who are really struggling during this time. I know how blessed we are. For lots of children, school is their only safe space. Many people are struggling financially. This virus is wrecking havoc on our economy. It will not be an easy recovery. I had a lot of anxiety about everything for the first week. I am slowly settling into our new normal with the mantra "One day at a time". That's all we can do, and that's all God asks of us. I've had the chorus of Because He Lives running through my head lately. I think the words could not be more perfect during this time

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living just because He lives!"

2020, you are proving to be quite the year so far! Thank goodness nothing surprises God! 

Life Update

The house is quiet, all the kids are either napping or in school and I just feel like writing. I really love writing. Did you know it's my secret dream to someday write a book? Not a novel, I don't have the brain creativity for that, but I would really like to write my life story down. Not that I think it'll get published, because who cares about my boring little corner of the world, but just for me, and my kids, and my grandkids because that feels special, and I love writing and God has done some pretty cool things in my life thus far and I'm fairly certain He's not finished with me yet. 

Anywho, in case you do actually like to read about my boring little life, here's a little life update. Maybe I should make this a monthly thing? Contrary to popular opinion, January actually went by super fast for me. For some reason, every year as soon as January is over I think "Phew, the worst is over. Spring is on the horizon." But alas, I always forget about February. Sneaky little February, it sounds so pleasant because it's a short month, and it's Valentine's Day month, yay for love and hearts and kisses, but February is BRUTAL. It always has been. In my memories on Facebook, every February someone is sick in this house. Avi ended up in the hospital with RSV in February 2015. And it's always cold. Like colder then January. And this year especially. I was telling John around Christmas time how this has been such an amazing winter and I could actually like winter if it was like this all the time. The weather was so mild, the kids would go out to play every day and I took the babies for afternoon walks, or I'd go myself in the evening and the hoarfrost was so dreamy and there really is a lot of fun things to do in the snow if it's nice enough. I was loving it! But yeah, reality check, winter sucks. It's been a hard couple of weeks. It's been too cold to go outside and everyone has been sick since literally February 1st. We've all taken turns with colds and then flu. All of us and all of my daycare kids and some of their parents as well have been struck down. I think we're finally (please) on the tail end of it and I'm really hoping for some warm(er) weather soon so they can get outside. Avi has really loved playing outside this winter and she's been super sad that she hasn't been able to go out lately. Her teacher takes them outside every afternoon at school if it's nice enough (what a saint!) and every day lately when I pick Avi up the first thing she says is how sad she is that they couldn't go outside. I find this so funny because last summer she much preferred to stay indoors, and would often play in the house by herself while the rest of us were in the yard. What a weird child! So we'll see how she is this summer. And she's the one that was born in Las Vegas, where it's always warm. I guess she was meant to be a Canadian girl! 

Apart from the weather and the sickness, we're doing good! I am loving doing daycare so much! I love that my girls get to meet and make new friends and I hope they look back on these days fondly, remembering all the chaos and love and laughter that filled the house when Mom was doing daycare. I love getting to know all these wonderful little people and to be a happy place for them to learn and play and grow. It was something I never thought I would end up doing, but I can see myself doing it for years to come. I always planned to go back to work once Avi was in school full time but now I think I might just keep doing daycare. It's also neat to see how God has always provided me with a child when I have a spot to fill and I have the most amazing families that I get to work for! They are the best and I feel so blessed. Up until now I've only been able to take as many kids as can fit in my vehicle since I have school drop offs and pick ups to do but next year Avi will be in Kindergarten and will ride the bus with Cassidy, so I won't have the need to drive anywhere so I can expand if I want which is also exciting. Especially in these last few weeks, it's been such a pain to have to bundle everyone up and be in and out the door all day so I'm looking forward to not having to do that next year. 

So 2019's been pretty good so far. Nothing too exciting on the horizon that we know about but life is always full of surprises! Right now I'm most looking forward to summer, road trips and not having to wear a jacket. 

What We've been Up to in 2018

In just a few days we'll be entering a new year once again! I love doing a yearly wrap up blog. I have the worst long term memory so even remembering what happened a few months ago is difficult for me but thanks to the wonder of social media, I was able to scroll back and look over the year 2018. As I was doing this, I kept smiling as I was reminded of things and have come to the conclusion that this really was a great year for our family! Sure we had some tough times, but the good definitely outweighed the bad this year and we made a lot of great memories, and also made some pretty big changes! 

2018 began with Cassidy halfway through Grade 1, Aviannah halfway through her first year of Pre-K, I was teaching piano and doing daycare for Levi, Luca and Theda and John was working at Woodstyles. We kind of kicked off 2018 with a bang by announcing that we were working towards another adoption. I'm not going into detail here, since I have gone into great detail in previous blog posts, but that has not panned out thus far. I would say that has definitely been the biggest disappointment of the year in some ways, and also a blessing in disguise in others. John and I have both learned so much through this experience and I truly feel we have become better parents because of it. Also, our marriage has gotten much stronger. I went through so many highs and lows during this process and John was a rock throughout it all. We drew strength from the Lord and from each other and we are better because of it. We've always had to work hard on our marriage, but something has clicked this year and we are finding it easier and easier. I'll touch more on that later, but this adoption experience definitely drew us closer together. Currently, we are waiting on our social worker to let us know what the next steps are, but the journey is far from over and we are still very much hoping that we can add to our family someday. 
Other then that, we had a pretty low key winter and spring. Our nephews stayed with us for a week in January and we had a blast with them. Cassidy played soccer again in the spring and did great! She improves every year. This coming year Avi wants to play too so we'll see how that goes! Both girls also did swimming lessons again. Unfortunately neither of them passed, so we'll try again next year. 
In March both girls celebrated birthdays. Aviannah turned 4 and Cassidy turned 7. We had fun celebrating with families all month long. Cassidy had a friends party where they baked and decorated cakes, it was so fun! Our rule is that on their 5th birthday they get to start having a friends party so this next year we'll be doing two of those! 

Our 2018 summer goes down as one of my favorite summers ever, not because we did anything extra special but we just made the most of every day and had blast! I had my last day with Levi at the end of June. I had been doing daycare for him for 3 and a half years, so it was definitely hard to say goodbye! We still get to see him fairly often and Aviannah prays for him every single night but we sure do miss having him around! I had Luca and Theda full time over the summer, and I made a plan that every day we would try to get out and do something fun and we definitely did! We were blessed with excellent weather and very few rainy days. I think the highlight for all of us was doing a park hop around Warman. Of course I had to pick the hottest day and we were all so sweaty and hot by the end of it but our goal was to hit up every park in Warman and we did all of them but one! I set a timer at each park, they would run and play and when I'd yell "Time's up!" they would all run back to the van, we'd guzzle water and drive off to the next park. It was seriously so much fun! We also went to my parents for a pool party a couple times, visited the spray park, went frog catching, ate ice cream and had lots of picnics. We also tried something new, geocaching! It was so much fun! We had one especially eventful day when we went geocaching down some back roads and I ended up getting us stuck in the ditch. My father in law came to our rescue, but while we waited the kids kept saying "I think we're going to die out here," LOL! 
I also took two weeks of holidays during the summer. We drove out to Sylvan Lake for a family reunion with my mom's extended family. We rented a house and all stayed together and spent the day at the beach and played games and had such a great time together. On the way home, John and I took a detour through Calgary and took the girls to Calaway Park. This was my favorite day of the summer by far. It started out scorching hot. The girls were the perfect age for the rides and we spent all morning riding as many as we could. We applied and reapplied sunscreeen, drank our weight in water and kept going. Halfway through the afternoon, as we were just exiting a ride, out of nowhere the wind picked up, dark clouds rolled in and it started pouring rain. As we ran for shelter, the rain turned into hail. Large hail. We made it underneath this tiny awning and we huddled there with about 30 other people as it hailed and hailed and hailed. It just kept coming and we were shivering and barely managing to avoid being hit. Kids were screaming and crying, and adults had their phones out to take videos. I have never seen hail that bad before. I told John it felt like we were in the apocalypse! By the time it finished, the ground was covered and it looked like we had just gotten a dump of snow. We made a dash for the nearest store in the midst of it, which happened to be a candy store. We bought the girls some candy while we waited out the rest of it. Most everybody left but we had some rides we hadn't done yet and were hopeful they would reopen. We wandered around while we waited and we did still get to do a few more rides before closing. It was a very memorable experience! Our girls were such troopers! They didn't cry or get scared, they just took everything in stride. The last time we did a fun family outing in Calgary (the zoo) we got caught in a massive thunderstorm. Apparently we have bad luck in Calgary! It makes for a fun memory! 
Other highlights of the summer- Leesa and I went to a Rider game in Regina (they lost, boo), we went camping as a family at Pike Lake, we went to see a friend's band play at Ribfest, the girls went to a day camp at a local seniors home and how could I forget, Cassidy went to her first overnight camp at Redberry Bible Camp! She went for one night and two days and had the best time. This summer she's going to try going for a whole week! 

Fall brought quite a few big changes for our family. Cassidy started Grade 2 and Aviannah started her second year of Pre-K. Luca and Theda moved on from my daycare so we had to say goodbye again. Even though I only had them for a year, they are dearly missed and we all grew to love them greatly. I took on two new girls in September, Sloane and Elizabeth. They were both 15 months when they started, only 2 days apart. It was quite an adjustment but everyone has settled in nicely and I am loving the change! It had been awhile since I'd had babies around so it's been a big change. They have become such good little friends and I can't quit squeezing and kissing them! The biggest change of the year, for me, was making the decision to quit teaching piano. It was something I agonized about for a long time, but I'm happy to report that it was the best decision I could've made. I have loved all my students, and I miss them, but it had freed up two evenings a week and I can't even explain how life changing that has been, not just for me but for all of us. John and I are both thriving because of it, both personally and as a couple. We've been able to make so much more time for each other and that's been huge for our marriage. I mentioned above that our marriage has never been better, and I know that me being able to free up these evenings has been a huge part of that. As a mother, I'm also able to spend the evenings with my girls. I've started teaching Cassidy piano, and I get to do her reading with her each night and help put them to bed. It's just been awesome and I have no regrets. 

This is getting to be a long post, this is why I need to blog more I guess! But I can't not talk about the H.I.G.H.L.I.G.H.T of the year which was, hands down, going to England! Thanks to John's very generous family for taking our girls, we spent 10 days on the trip of a lifetime! We had just the best time. It was strangely relaxing, even though we were go go go every single day. I kept saying to John it was so weird that I wasn't tired, even though we were so busy, and I realized that my mental energy was completely freed up because I didn't have to think about a single other person other then myself. As a mom, I don't ever get that luxury and man, it was nice to experience that for a short while. Of course I was glad to return home to my girls, and I sure felt the mom guilt hard for leaving them on the days leading up to the trip, but while I was there I was able to not worry about them or think about them (too much) and it was a just a much needed break. What's surprised me is how much we both miss England. I always go through a trip withdrawl when we get back from somewhere. John is not a traveler and if it wasn't for me, he probably wouldn't go anywhere so it more surprised me that he really misses it! Every time we mention England, we both get a little sad and feel the ache. We have both decided that we definitely want to go back to Europe one day. England did not satisfy my desire to see Europe, it intensified it! It was magical and perfect and beautiful and I'm so so so grateful we got to go. We really didn't think it would be an option at first, but when our adoption was put on hold, we looked at each other and said "We're going!" It was really good for me to having something good like that come out of something painful. 

In November we celebrated our 8th anniversary and we just spent a wonderful Christmas with both our families. Both Leesa and Eric came home and we had lots of good family time. I don't usually set goals for the new year or have a word or make resolutions other then to keep seeking the Lord, seeking His will for my life and being intentional about going deeper in my relationship with Him. I love the feeling of a fresh start. I'm excited to see what 2019 has in store. I am reminded once again how good God is, and I'm thankful for His ongoing faithfulness to me, even though I don't deserve it. 
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and here's to 2019!

Sending out an SOS

This might be as vulnerable as I've ever gotten on this blog, hang on...

I really actually do not want to be writing this. The last I posted on here was that our adoption has been put on hold and that we were going to enjoy the summer and take a break. Well, we have enjoyed our summer, it's been wonderful and gone by much too fast. I was expecting to feel ready to jump back in to working towards the adoption with renewed energy and determination after a month or so, and for sure by the time summer was over. And I just don't. Not even close. Truthfully, I feel even more defeated then I did when we were told our file was being put on hold.

I have no idea why I'm struggling so much with this. I have felt confused and conflicted. I was so excited at the start, but I think with our file being put on hold I was faced with the reality that there is a good chance this may not happen for us, and I feel like investing all this time and energy into something that might not happen is pointless. We've felt like the reason we have been put on hold is unfair and I've lost a lot of faith in the system all together. Yesterday I cried into John's shoulder and told him that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to adopt again. It has been so hard. I know that we had such good experiences the first two times around and I know very well how hard adoption can be, and yet now that we are experiencing it for ourselves, it's harder then I ever imagined. The thing is, I know deep down in my heart that we are still supposed to do this. Even amidst the confusion and the struggle, to actually say no and move on feels wrong. So many people, family included, have said how perfect our family is the way it is, and I agree. I have struggled so much with my selfish desires of not wanting to grow our family because right now the girls are at wonderful stages that make everything easier. The world seems designed for a family of four. They are both potty trained, sleep through the night, don't need naps. They are both healthy. All of these seem like selfish reasons for not wanting to add to our family but I keep fixating on them. 

John has also been struggling with the desire to keep going, but he actually feels more convinced then me that we need to do this. With our other adoptions we were both on the same page, yet I was always more excited then he was (that's just our personalities showing) so the fact that this is the other way around is different too. I trust him and I trust his instincts about it and I feel right now that that is the only thing keeping me from throwing in the towel all together. He has been so amazing through all this. I feel like I can't even put into words how confusing this is for me. John strongly believes that the devil is attacking us and I agree. Last night he made a very good point, which has prompted me to write this post. He said that maybe the reason we've been struggling so much is because we haven't let other people in and asked them to pray for us. I've asked you to pray in the past but in these past few months is when we've been struggling the most and we have not asked for help- at all. So, here I am, asking for help. Please pray for us. I don't even know how to ask you to pray, just pray. If you see me in person, don't bring it up unless I do. I don't really want to talk about it. I didn't even want to write about it. But I'm swallowing my pride because we need people alongside us to pray. We are exhausted and weary. I'm so very grateful for you all who love us and who pray for us, more then I can say. 

Adoption Update

I've been avoiding writing this post for a while now. Our adoption has been put on hold, for now. We had another meeting mid-May and our adoption worker and her supervisor had concerns about a specific thing from the past that I don't want to go into details on, so please don't ask, but this had not been an issue in our previous two home studies and for some reason, this time it was. I guess it all depends on who your worker is, but anyway, we were told our file was either going to be closed or put on hold. Despite this issue, our adoption worker thought we were one of the strongest families she's worked with and she told us she was going to advocate that our file be put on hold instead of closed. We waited a couple weeks before we found out that our file is being put on hold for 6 months. In the meantime, we have a few extra assignments to do, then once the 6 months is up, we can pick up from where we left off. That is the long and short of it, and that's all I want to say about it.

We are both feeling completely burnt out and done with it all. We don't feel like we want to continue, but we also know that if we don't, we will regret it in the future. Right now though, we are choosing to leave it be and rest this summer, then we'll get back to work on it. Our adoption worker says that we can take longer then 6 months if we need too as well, so we aren't going to rush things. We will probably start working on the extra stuff in a few months, but for now, a break is what we need. This has not been easy, but we both feel at peace and honestly, a little bit relieved. Our lives in general have just been over the top busy and the adoption process was really weighing on us, so we are choosing to see this as a blessing. We would still appreciate your prayers. I felt like I needed to give this update because you've all been following our journey and we really do need your prayers. Just prayers, not pity :) because it's not over, we've just hit a rather large snag, but we are still excited about the plans God has for our family. 

Update #4 (Is It Ever Going to Happen?)

I realized it's been a month and a half since I've done an adoption update but...what's to update? Literally nothing has changed since my last update. We had a visit with our worker at the beginning of April and have yet to have another one. This has honestly been super frustrating. We scheduled one tentatively for the end of April, but she had to reschedule. No big deal. We've had to reschedule every other appointment thus far so why should this one be any different? Ha.
So we rescheduled for May 4, a Friday, at 9:15. John decided to take the day off. We wait and wait and she doesn't show up. Again, this isn't unusual that she's late. She's been late to every other meeting we've had. Finally at 10:00 I figure something must be wrong. I try calling her phone at her office, no answer. I try emailing her. I try calling the front desk. Nothing. Finally at 10:30 she calls me back. She had written the wrong day in her planner, she thought our meeting was the next Friday. So we ended up not meeting with her that day. We were so frustrated and so upset, although I was very nice on the phone (I am so non confrontational, I kind of hated that about myself in that moment, but in hindsight, it's probably a good thing I was forgiving in that moment). John felt like he wasted the whole day and we ended up fighting with each other because we were both frustrated. So yeah, not the greatest day, but we apologized to each other and had a wonderful date night that evening :)

So anyway, even though she had written us in for the next Friday, that day didn't work for her either for some reason, so we rescheduled for the 16th, which is today! Yesterday she called and said she had to reschedule again so as of now we are sitting at next Wednesday for our next meeting. I don't even know what to think anymore. I like our worker, she's nice and friendly, but she seems so disorganized. I know she's super busy, and I feel for her, but it's getting a little old to keep being pushed down to the bottom of her priorities. I told John the other day that I just feel like I don't really care anymore. For the first time, I'm wondering if this is even going to happen at all. I feel very meh about the whole thing. I keep telling myself that God has a plan and that His timing is perfect. We weren't ever given a set timeline on how long this process would take and honestly, I'm not even that upset that it's taking so long but it's more like I really just don't care. 

I keep thinking about how this is going to change our family. We have a pretty good thing going right now. We've been a family of four longer then we've been a family of three and a family of two. The thought of that dynamic changing was super exciting at first but I think the novelty has worn off and now it just scares me. We really didn't have to uproot our lives too much to make room for our girls. They sort of just fit nicely into our family and of course it changes things, but things didn't change too much, if you know what I mean. I don't think that is going to be the case with this one. This child will most likely have some trauma attached, possible medical needs, might be a different race- all of those things could dramatically change our life! If you had talked to me a couple months ago, I would've said how excited I was for this. I think it's a good thing to be shaken up out of your comfort zone. We want God to stretch us and shake us up a bit. I still want that, but I feel much more frightened of it then I did a couple months ago. I'm not sure why. We've done all the paperwork and are literally just waiting on this last visit to happen, so maybe it's because it's all out of my control that I suddenly feel so apathetic about it. 

For anyone else that's adopted, you know this is normal. I've felt this way before. The waiting is draining, and maybe I've just been over analyzing everything too much. We still very much feel like God is leading this whole process. We pray for our future child every night. I'm just finding it so hard to make myself believe that this is really going to happen. Although when I think about it not happening, I get even more scared. 

I guess what I really want to say is please keep praying for us. Pray that we will be able to have this last visit. Pray that we will get approved to adopt. Pray for our child that's out there waiting for us. We really want him/her to come home soon. Thank you for reading my blog, even when I write really depressing stuff like this post, haha. I like to keep it real. Hopefully I will have a more optimistic update next time!

Update #3

How is it the end of March already? Time for another update!

We are still chipping away at our home study. We were supposed to have our 3rd visit yesterday, but our adoption worker called the day before and had to reschedule...again... Another family she is working with got picked for a placement that day and she needed to be there. I totally understand that that is how her job goes and that is definitely a more pressing matter then our current state, but it still was disappointing and I felt pretty bummed the rest of the day. All of our visits so far have had to be rescheduled. I keep reminding myself that God's timing is perfect. He's proven that again and again and I don't have to look very far to see it. With the other adoptions, I can see multiple examples of me wanting something to happen, it not happening, me wondering why, then after everything is said and done I completely understand. I know this is the same in this situation. He already knows our child. He knows when the perfect time will be for them to come home, and as much as I want it to be now, it's not. But that's ok. I am certainly getting more anxious to meet him/her (or them!) as time passes, though!

In other news though, we had an awesome answer to prayer this week! On the paperwork side of things, the only thing we were waiting on was our criminal checks and fingerprints. We got them done in January, then they had to be sent to Ottawa to be approved, then we were told we would receive them by mail and it should take up to 6 weeks. 6 weeks came and went. This week it's been almost 9 weeks. I was getting the mail yesterday, by myself with no kids, when I felt a nudge to go ask at the police station (just down the street) if they knew why the checks were taking so long. I honestly didn't think they'd be able to tell me anything, but I figured it didn't hurt to check, and I never don't have at least 1 child with me so it was the perfect time. I went in and asked. She said there isn't any way to check the status of where they are at once they've been sent off (which I figured) but she did say she'd check to make sure they were actually sent. So I waited a few minutes, she came back and said they had been sent away, and they should've been back by now, then she picked up a folder sitting right beside her, thumbed through it and said "Oh! Here they are!" Our completed criminal record checks were sitting in folder at the Warman RCMP, most likely for a while. She told me they call it the folder of silence because stuff just gets put in there and never seen again. I smiled and said thank you, even though inside I was extremely annoyed. But also I was very glad to have them and even more glad that I listened to that nudge (which of course, was God) and went in and asked. 

So, in conclusion, all of our paperwork for the homestudy is done! Our visit was rescheduled for this next Thursday and then we have one more visit after that, then our adoption worker will compile everything together and get us put on the list to wait to be matched! Thank you for your prayers, and a special thanks to those people who I asked specifically to pray for our criminal checks to come. We are one baby step closer to the end! 

Update #2

A few people lately have been asking where we are at in the adoption process and it's been a little over a month since I did a blog update so I figured I'd do another one, although honestly there isn't that much to update on!

We had our second visit with our adoption worker at the end of February. I guess they are under-staffed right now and there isn't money to hire new people so her workload is heavier then usual right now and she has a few urgent cases she is working on so we are a bit lower down on her priority list, which is why there's been so much time between visits. We were talking with another couple and they had weekly visits with their worker. Ours have been monthly. It's ok, it will all happen in time. The good news is that all we are waiting on is our fingerprints and criminal record checks and then we are done with the paperwork for the home study! We have another visit scheduled at the end of March, then we need one more visit and then we should be done our part. Our adoption worker will then compile all the information and make it into a profile for us to send to the Canadian Adoption Registry in Regina. So I really have no idea when that will be! 

We also attended another course at the end of February that was all about culture. 80% of the children in foster care are First Nations so it is very likely we will be adopting a First Nations child. This course was so informative on that aspect. We learned all about their history and culture and how we can incorporate their culture into our lives. It was very eye opening and helpful. I'm so grateful for how well we are being trained through this process. The paperwork side of it is easier, but we've had to take way more classes (online and in person) then with either of our other adoptions. It's been so so good. 

That's pretty much it for now. Thanks for your prayers and support!

Wednesday Night Thoughts

Today I posted a video of Avi on Facebook. I post lots of pictures and videos, but this one got a lot of attention today. She was singing a little song her Daddy made up for her. So many people said how they loved her little voice and how adorable and precious she is. I couldn't agree more. As I read the comments, I had two thoughts that came, one after the other. First, 'I can't believe she's mine. I'm so lucky' (this isn't rare, I have this thought multiple times, daily!) But this thought was immediately followed by 'I wish her birth parents could see her now'. This is also something that I think of often. With Cassidy, we have a relationship with her birth family. We are very close with two sets of grandparents and her birth mom and dad are friends with me on Facebook. They get to "see" Cassidy all the time. This is actually one of the main reasons I am so active with pictures and videos on Facebook, for their sake. I like that they get to get a glimpse into her life and watch her grow up. It makes my heart happy to know that they can still be a part of her life. With Avi though, it's different. We never met her birth parents, never even saw pictures of them. We know their names but that's about it. I've actually tried to find her birth mom online, but she has such a common name it would be an impossible feat. Plus, they are homeless. We can contact our agency if/when Avi wants to meet them one day and they will help us which is great, but for now there's an ache in my heart because we don't have a relationship with them. I often think 'They have no idea about anything in regards to Avi's life! They don't know what she looks like. They don't know that she's perfectly healthy. They don't know how incredibly hilarious she is. They don't know that she talks and talks to anyone who will listen and everyone who meets her is instantly charmed by her. They don't know, they don't know, they don't know.' 
Adoption is so mind blowing to me. I can't comprehend how something can be so incredibly beautiful and joyful and yet so devastatingly tragic all in one breath. Avi is one of our biggest joys. I literally cannot imagine my life without her in it. And yet, there's a woman out there who is living out that nightmare daily. Avi was the 5th child she gave up for adoption so maybe she was used to it by then, but I can't see how anyone could ever get used to it. I want to weep just thinking about how she birthed this beautiful, hilarious, precious little girl and yet she will miss her entire life, or at least her childhood. I know it was her choice, but it's hard to describe how sad that makes me. With Cassidy, I'm comforted by the fact that her birth mom gets to stay connected through technology. We have zero connections with Avi's family. We plan to visit Las Vegas in the near future and I would love to meet her birth parents. I have no idea how to go about arranging that, or if it would even be a good idea, but I just want to hug that woman. I want to hug her and tell her thank you, even though thank you doesn't even begin to cover the gratitude that I feel towards her. I want her to see that Avi is doing well, that she's happy and loved and thriving. I want to show her the millions of videos I have of Avi singing, dancing, and being silly. I want to know if Avi looks like her. And most of all, I want Avi to have the option to connect with her birth mom if she so chooses. 
Adoption is wonderful but adoption is sad too. That basically sums up how I'm feeling tonight, blessed yet a little bit broken for those wonderful people 24 hours away who don't get to see how miraculous our little girl is. 

Update

It's been about a month since I announced we are adopting again and I figured I should give you an update, although there's not really much to update. We are still chipping away at our home study. We were supposed to have our second visit with our adoption worker yesterday, but she got pulled into a meeting last minute and had to reschedule. Unfortunately our rescheduled meeting is 20 days away. I was feeling pretty bummed about this for a while, but then I remembered that it's all in God's timing.
We have both had our physicals and blood work, then we need to make another appointment with our doctor to get the results of that. Our criminal record checks are on the way. I'm working on putting together a profile of our family. For Avi's adoption we had to do a photo book, which is so beautiful and very special to us, but it took a lot of work. This time, it's all supposed to be done on a Word document with pictures added in at the end, so it should be much simpler. We have finished our online training and we attended a 7 hour review of the training last Saturday in Saskatoon. It was so nice to meet other couples going through the same process and we left feeling educated, refreshed and excited!

John and I have both marveled at the absolute peace we have felt during this adoption process so far. Especially for me, this is a big deal but I can honestly saying that I am enjoying every single part of it. I didn't realize how much I missed adopting! We were so burnt out after Avi's adoption and we knew we didn't want to pursue that route again and I think if we were doing that kind of adoption again, I wouldn't be enjoying it as much but this process is so different in so many ways and it feels like a breath of fresh air and I am just having so much FUN. I wasn't expecting to feel this way so I'm pleasantly surprised! We aren't even feeling super anxious to get it over with, although of course we are so excited to meet kid #3 (that's how we refer to him/her in our prayers). There are so many unknowns with this adoption. We don't know what age he/she will be, so it's hard to prepare ahead of time for that. It's very likely that they will be a different race then us and we are already talking about how to possibly prepare for that. We have access to the Adoption Support Centre library and I know we will be taking advantage of that. This child will come from a traumatic background, something that our girls never had. The online training and the course last weekend has been so helpful in arming us with strategies, tools, and skills to help in these situations. Of course, every child is different and until we actually meet them, we won't know what we are getting ourselves into.

This should make me very afraid and anxious, but I don't feel that way at all, not even a little bit, and I know that peace and calmness is coming straight from my Father. We are also so incredibly thankful for every one of your prayers. And I gotta say, to be able to just ask for prayers and not money is such a relief! Thank you for caring, for being excited for us, and for praying. I'll continue to update as we go along!

Here We Go Again!

In case you missed this...

(hint hint, read Avi's shirt)

It's true! We are in the beginning stages of adding kid #3 (and maybe kid #4!!!) to our family! And yes, we thought we were done...

To tell this story properly, I need to take you back in time. In January 2011, a month and a half after we got married, we decided we'd better get a jump start on the adoption process. Our first step was to make an appointment with the Adoption Support Centre in Saskatoon because we didn't have a hot clue about where to start. She explained the 3 main types of adoption: private/independent, domestic and international. I wrote a blog post explaining the difference between these a while back if you are interested in going back and reading it, so I won't explain that here. For your information though, Cassidy's was a private adoption and Aviannah's was an international adoption.

The woman we met with recommended applying to adopt through the Ministry of Social Services in Saskatoon, aka domestic adoption. This means if we were to adopt this way we would be adopting a child from the foster care system. This whole process is free, all costs are covered by the Ministry. This seemed like a good place to start so a week or so later we sent in an application. Shortly thereafter we received a letter stating that we were on the list to be released for a home study, which is the first step in the process. However, we were not willing to say yes to a lot of things on the application in regards to disabilities and what not, and the age we wanted was under a year. Because of these things we were told the chances of us adopting through this avenue were slim. We figured it was better then nothing.

Fast forward less then a year later, along came Cassidy. Then 2 and a half years later, along came Aviannah. Every once and a while I would think "Are we even still on that list from 2011?" We had gotten a letter asking if we wanted to stay on the list 2 years after we applied and we said yes, but since then we had heard nothing from them. We both figured because we'd adopted twice that we were off the list. And we were totally fine with that.

I am absolutely in love with our family. When I picture our family 10, 20 years down the line, I can see the four of us so clearly, just the four of us. I love that we have two girls and I love watching the bond between them grow. I am so overwhelmed with how God chose them for us and I couldn't ask for more. Yet there was this small part of my heart that ached for more and I feel so guilty even saying that out loud because it makes it sound like I am not grateful for what we already have and am being selfish. Nobody can tell me I'm not grateful. Maybe I am selfish. Before I found out I couldn't have kids I always envisioned 4 kids. 4 was my number. And as easily as I could see us with our two girls and only them, I wanted more. This is me being totally honest and transparent here, so please be gracious. I struggled with this for a long time, feeling this way. I thought it was wrong of me to want more because I've already been given more then I could have ever dreamed. Honestly 90% of the time I was so content and thrilled with our family, but sometimes those thoughts of more would come creeping in.

John and I have never, since Avi's adoption, felt ready or led to pursue another adoption. Even though her process went so smoothly, it was really draining. Still, if I think of going that route again, I shut it down real fast. So I didn't know what to do with these thoughts of wanting more. Last October I finally prayed to God one day "God, unless you make it very, very clear to us, we aren't pursuing another adoption. We are done. So if you want us to adopt again, if there's another child out there for us, you have to show us because we aren't going looking for them." Saying those words out loud brought such peace to my soul.

At the beginning of November 2017, I got a phone call from the Ministry of Social Services. My first thought was that they were trying to take my kids away, although I couldn't figure out why. My hands were shaking so bad when I saw who was calling on the screen. I had no idea why else they would be contacting us. The lady on the other end asked if we would like to come in and update our adoption application since it was very outdated. I was confused and then I remembered that dusty old application. I said something like "What? We're still on the list?" She informed me that, yes, we were very much still on the list. So John and I went in the following Friday and met with her. This time around, we were open to much more then last time. We also changed our age range to 3 and under. Keeping the birth order the same was very important to us but we figured since Avi is almost 4 we could expand the age range we were willing to accept. The worker also implored us to strongly consider becoming foster parents. There is a desperate need right now for foster parents, especially for babies and toddlers. This is something we had talked about in the past and after hashing it out over the weekend and praying lots about it, we felt like this was something we should do. 

I called the number to apply to become foster parents and we set up a date for the first meeting with the worker (a different one). 4 days before that meeting was to take place, we got a phone call AGAIN from ANOTHER worker from the adoption unit saying that we were being released to do a home study if we were interested (this is what we have been on the wait list for since 2011). The only catch was that we could not do a home study for adoption and a home assessment for fostering at the same time. We were stunned to say the least. We figured fostering was the right choice for us, and now, right when we were starting to get that going, the option to start the adoption process becomes available. She said that if our long term goal was adoption, we should choose to do a home study. This was a no-brainer for us. Both John and I didn't even need to talk about it. We were definitely interested in adoption! 

So that pretty much brings us to here. We had our first meeting with the adoption worker today and she gave us an overview of the whole process. We will spend a couple months completing our home study, then that gets sent to the adoption registry in Regina where they have all the profiles of the children from the foster system that are up for adoption. Then we wait until we get matched with a child, work on transitioning them into our home, have more visits once they are living with us and then that's it! The best part is there is no cost to us. I can't even tell you how relieved this makes us! 

We are completely overjoyed and overwhelmed. We have told our girls what is happening and Cassidy is thrilled and can't stop talking about it and Avi just keeps going back and forth between wanting a brother and a sister. We did say we were open to a sibling group so that's a possibility too! I think back to that prayer I prayed last October and my mind is absolutely blown on how clearly God answered! This is straight from Him! I know that doesn't mean that it will be easy or that there won't be some bumps along the way, but for now we firmly believe that this is what He is leading us towards. Cassidy is our dream come true baby, Aviannah is our miracle baby and this is definitely our bonus baby (or toddler!) What a blessing!!

Of course, there are no guarantees. I feel nervous announcing this because there is always the possibility that this adoption won't happen at all. We would appreciate your prayers as we go through this process.

And fun fact: if/when this adoption gets completed, we will have done all three: private, international and domestic. Boo ya. 

2017 Wrap Up

Here we are again, staring down the end of another year. It's been a great year! Here's the highlights from the Letkeman house:

January- Aviannah learned how to count to 10
               -John's birthday. I honestly can't remember what we did to celebrate!

February- Leesa and I road-tripped to Canmore for Jill's bachelorette weekend! I got to try                       cross country skiing for the first time and it was so fun!
           
March- Aviannah turned 3 on the 12th
          - Cassidy turned 6 on the 30th
          - We had a joint birthday party for the girls with both sides of our families. The house                 was packed and the girls were very well loved on
          - I got to go along on Cassidy's field trip to a gymnastics center

April- Cassidy had a birthday party with friends.
         - Cassidy lost her first tooth!
         - The girls started swimming lessons and both loved them
       
May- Cassidy started soccer for the second year and did awesome! She improved so much                 from last year
        - I planted my garden, also the second year. Unfortunately it did not do as well as last                 year
        - Highlight of the year- I celebrated my upcoming 30th birthday in Disneyland with                     Leesa, Jill and Pam. We had the best time! Good weather, good company, good                         food and lots of walking!

June- We attended Cassidy's kindergarten graduation.
       - Cassidy had her last day of kindergarten and was declared ready for Grade 1!
       - Aviannah got accepted into the Pre-Kindergarten program at the new elementary                      school.
       - We took a weekend trip to Swift Current to visit my grandparents in their new place.               Not quite as long of a trek as it took to visit them in Texas!

July- Cassidy learned how to ride a bike without training wheels! She had a great summer                 speeding around and getting more and more confident.
        - I hosted a 5 day club at my house for a week. We had a great turnout!
        - Another highlight- Eric and Jill's wedding in Sylvan Lake! This was our big holiday of               the summer and it was so wonderful! The girls loved being flower girls!

August- My birthday. The May celebration was my big party and John and I just had a low                   key date night
            - We went camping for the weekend in Waskesiu. We had great weather!
            - Aviannah FINALLY learned how to use the potty
         
September- Cassidy started Grade 1 and loves going to school every day
                 - Aviannah started Pre-Kindergarten and also loves school!
                 - I took in 2 new day care kids, first only part time and then full time. They have                          been an awesome fit and I've loved getting to know them!
               
October- Our park got a new makeover which was very exciting!
             - The girls were super heroes for Halloween

November- John and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary with a quick overnight                                  getaway.
                 - We had an early Christmas with my mom's side of the family before my                                        grandparents left for Texas
                 - Aviannah learned her ABC's and learned how to write her name
                 - I was involved in a drama with our church

December- We decorated for Christmas!
                - The girls performed in the Sunday School Christmas program. Cassidy was Mary                       and Avi was a sheep!
                - Cassidy also performed in her school Christmas program.
                - We are excited to celebrate Christmas with both our families!

This is such broad summary of our year. I could easily go into more details but I don't want to turn a blog post into a novel! Of course, in between all these "big" moments of 2017 were all the little, ordinary, everyday, arguably more important stuff. I'm just enjoying these days so much. Our life is busy, very very busy, but we've gotten pretty good at enjoying the moments as they happen. The girls are growing so, so fast. We are so in love with them and with this life!

We are looking ahead to 2018 with anticipation and excitement! God has, as always, been so faithful and good to us. Merry Christmas and God's blessings on you and yours this Christmas!