Yes, my blog is still here, dusty cobwebs and all. There's been something on my heart that God has been teaching me lately and I feel like I need to get it down into words.
One thing that I have always struggled with is living in the moment. I love to have something to look forward to. The anticipation, the planning, the dreaming about what it will be like- I'm obsessed with all of it. My personality is such that I get ridiculously excited about little things, like birthdays and Christmas and trips. I went to Disneyland a couple weeks ago and for two weeks leading up to it I had trouble sleeping because I was so excited, which was super annoying but that's just how I am! I love looking ahead to the next thing, or looking back on what just happened and reliving it in my mind over and over. In doing so, I often forget to notice what is happening now.
When Cassidy came along, I found myself doing this with her childhood. Looking ahead to when she would start crawling, start walking, start talking, put sentences together, be potty trained, etc. I didn't realize I was doing it then, but I was pushing her to do all these things sooner. I think that's pretty normal for a first time mom. We want to see them hit the milestones and we don't realize until after they've hit them that 'oh, that was actually a lot easier when they weren't mobile' or 'now that they're talking they ask so many questions!' I don't have any regrets about her baby years, but sometimes I wonder if I wished them away too quickly.
I feel like I did a better job cherishing Avi's baby stage. Granted, Avi was brand new when she came to us and Cassidy was 9 months, but I remember her sleeping on my chest and trying my hardest to soak in that moment because I was more aware of how fast time went and I knew I'd blink and she'd be walking, talking, no longer a baby. And yet again, it went even faster then I thought it would.
Since 2017 started God has really been impressing on me to live in the moment. It's so interesting the different methods he uses to teach us. Unintentionally I have been picking up books to read that are about someone losing somebody or something, and I've found myself watching TV shows and movies along that same line. I usually don't let myself watch or read those kinds of things and I honestly think God had everything to do with the fact that I have been lately. Because I really do feel like I am finally learning how to live in the moment. It's just been so impressed on me lately that these people in my life that I love; my husband, my children, my parents and siblings, my friends...they are not promised to me forever. Only God knows how much time I'll get with them and they belong to Him, not me. They are a great gift bestowed upon me and I will not take them for granted.
The other day the girls were sitting on the couch watching a show and I just found myself staring at them, studying their faces and trying to soak up each little detail- the smattering of freckles around Cassidy's nose, Avi's tiny little nose, the way their hair fell. I feel as though they've always looked exactly like this, and yet pictures tell me that they were once babies, but I don't remember that very well anymore. And one day I'll look back on pictures of this day and think "It's hard to remember them like that, they are so grown up now!" These days are some of the hardest, yet most precious days of my life. Cassidy starts Grade 1 in a few short months and just like that, my days at home with her will be over. I can't believe it. And I can't help but think of how many days I willed the day to go faster, for bedtime to come quicker, because I was tired of little people hanging off of me and asking me endless questions. And here I am, staring down the end of these days and I want the ride to stop. I want to freeze time and keep my babies home with me forever. Slow down.
So I'm living in the moment. Because looking ahead may be fun and exciting, and looking back is a good reminder of how far we've come, but this moment now is beautiful, and it's fleeting. Tomorrow it's gone. I want to remember lazy mornings in the kitchen, as I empty the dishwasher and make plans for the day in my head and the girls sit at the table in bedhead and pajamas eating their cereal. I want to remember taking them to the park and watching them run and laugh. I want to remember dance parties in the living room as they shout "Play another song, Mommy!" and then spin with all their might. I want to remember reading stories to them, and them fighting about who gets to sit on Daddy's lap, never Mommy's lap, only Daddy's. I want to remember John walking in the door after a day at work and shouts of "Daddy's home!" and giggles and hugs and kisses for all. I even want to remember tantrums and slammed doors and time outs because one day those will be all gone too. I really do feel like I have learned how to live in the moment. I'll never get it perfect, but I am getting it better.
